So I'm going to start from the beginning and it's probably going to be quite long cause I just want to get it all out.
Last year I wasn't a massive fan of myself I spent last summer and autumn having sex with a series of people who I was not attracted to just to feel wanted. There were a few who stuck out as I put myself through the emotional wringer wanting to be wanted by them but not even liking them at all.
One who I didn't put myself through much for (let's call him x), he particularly disgusted me, he was vulgar, he smelled, he was quite ugly (I know not fair but when you're only having sex with someone it kind of matters) and all in all I just couldn't stand him, he was also 28 years old (I was 18). Despite all of this I still slept with him just for that split second of validation, I always felt vile after this. Once I messaged him at the end of a night out because I felt ugly, I was very drunk (as attested to by the fact that I managed to loose all my cards that night) to have sex and we did. I left that morning having to be picked up by my dad (because of the lost cards) and I have never felt more ashamed of myself and yet I continued to sleep with him and others. On New year's Eve he offered to be a cheap illegal taxi for me and my mates and I promised to sleep with him again at the end of the night despiteb being incredibly drunk. After new years x took me to a concert, he still disgusted me but he had no one to go with and my exams were going bad so I felt a bit shit about myself. At the end of the night I was on my period so we didn't have sex for once.
After I got back from the concert my period ended and I decided I needed my dose of validation so I started messaging a guy (y) on tinder. We then spoke on Snapchat in a flirty sometimes sexually explicit way and basically arranged for me to go to his house in the middle of the night for sex. When I got to his he answered the door in his boxers and a robe and said we have to be quiet because of his house mates and lead me upstairs.
As soon as I entered the room he just slapped me in the face. While I just looked at him shocked he hit me again and told me to sit on the bed. At this point I realised he probably thought I was into it so I said I don't like this but he just said again sit on the bed. When I sat down he kissed me very very badly then slapped me again. I said can you stop that and he covered my mouth and told me to be quiet he pushed me to lay down. From there things got more and more sexual and he kept doing random violent things like pulling my hair or slapping me. I kept saying things like stop or I don't like it or I don't want to but I still went with it and did what he said and got into the positions he wanted. It wasn't until he was on top of me and inside me putting all his weight on my back and I said I wanted to go, get off and he didn't that I realised he didn't care what I was saying. I froze up until he was done, he still occasionally hit me and I started crying, he told me to shut up so I did. When I left he showed me out and kissed me on the cheek good bye. The next morning he texted me to say sorry for not cumming.
I've tried to not be emotional in my description of that night, partly because I know my situation is a grey area and partly because I've remembered and dreamed of that night so many times that I don't remember clearly for some of it what was actually said or how things happened so I don't want to say anything I'm not 100% sure of.
I don't know why I didn't do anything, why I didn't shout for help why I didn't fight him. I don't know why he continued to hit me when I wasn't fighting back. He wasn't big or intimidating infact I remember him being about 5 foot 2, there was no reason I should have let it happen. I think at the time I kind of didn't believe it was happening, that these kinds of things wouldn't happen to me, that I was too clever/ugly/slutty. I vaguely remember thinking along the lines of if I just stop saying no then it's fine.
I had an exam the next day but I spent the entire night arguing with myself about whether what happened was rape. I'm still not sure, the fact that he messaged me the next day makes me think that he didn't think he did and everything I did that night doesn't scream rape. The next morning I felt so shit about this and the exam that I was going to fail I decided that I wanted to kill myself. I went to go buy paracetamol and vodka but on the way my family messaged me and I felt bad so I went to the hospital instead, I didn't say what happened in detail and when I said I wasn't going to kill myself they let me leave (same day).
The next day was a Saturday, I had already arranged to go on a date with a guy (z) the week before. I had arranged it in a fit of not hating myself so it was with a guy my age who I actually liked the look off and the date went great. I felt safe and comfortable with him and I liked how I was around him. Obviously there was a lot more to the date but it's not really relevant to this, the general point is that this date which has lead on to the relationship I'm still in was great and made me forget about all the things I hated about myself for for a while.
After this date I went home for a week because I had no more exams and lectures hadn't started yet. At home I realised that all the people I had slept with whose faces appeared on my phone on various social media made me feel physically sick so I started to block them all. I felt bad just blocking x as he had taken me to a concert that week and he had been messaging me so I decided to tell him what happened and he said he understood and let me block him.
My relationship with z developed very quickly, we just seemed very right together. I occasionally posted photos of us on social media. X messaged me from a different facebook account to tell me he'd seen the posts and that he felt betrayed because my new relationship clearly showed I'd lied. He then blocked me.
Now it's like I've taken all the disgust I had about that night and just applied it to every other sexual experience I had before. It feels like they were all a series of events that lead to the inevitable. I've been honest about what I've done with z but I'm so scared someone from my past particularly x will come out of the woodwork and tell z exactly what I did, how slutty I was what I lier I am and how disgusting I am, even though I know z wouldn't care I'm still terrified. When I see or smell something that relates to any of the people I slept with i'm griped with this fear, it can be a certain brand of cigarettes or a man's skinny thigh or just someone's face who reminds me vaguely of any of them. I feel like I can't breathe and I just want to curl up and die, I sometimes get these flashes of them and what I did with them just pop up in my head and I can't get rid of them. I feel so stupid as well that it's not even stuff that relates to that night or y that upset me. I have nightmares of that night but it's not what I think about in the day time. I'm so hyper aware that I'm not acting like "victims" are meant to so that proves to me what happened wasn't anything but then there's something in me that says it was something.
I've tried telling my friends but they really wanted me to go to the police but I can't face it. I have no evidence and I go back and forth on whether it was just bad sex or not. I can't deal the idea of someone not believeing me again. I've told z but I don't like talking about it with him, it makes me feel weird and I can see it upsets him.
I want help and I want to move on with my life but I don't know where I can go. I want to go somewhere and tell someone and have them listen but in the right way but I don't really know what the right way is.