Suicidal thoughts that you know you won't act on but are getting worse

[Confused2020]

I have for the last few months had a lot of dark thoughts, fleeting that I know I won't act on, had a lot of things happening over the last year with all 3 of my children experiencing difficulties, one with mental problems, one with self harming (he has autism) and one going through an asd assesment. I just feel so helpless and useless, feel like they'll all be better if with someone else to sort it all out.
I don't know what's happening recently, I don't want to die, I really don't but it's like constantly on my mind last couple of days. I started on citalopram 4 days ago and wondering if its anything to do with that? I'm waiting to see a mental health practitioner in 2 week. I think I have bipolar because of some random episodes I've had, but the gp thinks I have an anxiety disorder, whatever it is I just need it to stop. I need my brain to stop. The thoughts to just shut up, they're constant, I can't sleep, can't eat, I feel wired, like I'm on drugs. Its not completely new, I've felt like this before, but this has come on all of a sudden. I dont even know what I'm asking ugh

Hi @Confused2020 it’s miserable when your thoughts are racing. It sounds like you’re getting sorted though by starting meds and talking to someone in a couple of weeks. I can’t say how it is for you but I know sometimes things can feel worse before they get better when you start a new prescription.

I’m glad to hear you’re not going to hurt yourself. Don’t forget the Samaritans if the thoughts get really intrusive. Sorry things are bad right now.

Yes the doctor said I may feel worse for the first week or so, thankyou for your reply

I think when things look bleak our brains offer us terrible possibilities. Your comment about someone else looking after things better than you, you know in your heart that’s not the case. You might not sleep but you can rest. If you can’t eat make sure you’re drinking something with calories in. Maybe even a piece of toast?
You’ll get through this.

No someone else could definitely handle things better than me, I don't even feel like I can make decisions lately, I just feel like someone else would intuitively know what to do, while I'm incapable. I can't eat, I've tried a lot. Was last week I ended up in a and e with my son, and I didn't even know he had been self harming, what kind of mother doesn't even realise that!

Lots of self harm goes unnoticed, it’s often hidden. You did notice though, you took him to get treatment.
You’ve got so much to cope with and you’re depressed and anxious. Are you a single parent? Do you have any support at all?

Single parent yes and no support. I only noticed because school informed me he had googled "how to stop cutting myself" in school, he had been doing it for weeks before hand. That's the only reason I noticed.

If the thoughts have got worse since starting the citalopram then do call 111 and/or your GP on Monday. You might need to lower the starting dose, but definitely tell them.
Other mums do not (in general) intuitively know is their child is self-harming. But that’s the sort of horribly judgemental and plain wrong thing your brain is telling you at the moment. It’s so hard.
Is there anything you could possibly eat? Even just cereal? When I’m struggling I live on cheese and bananas . May be start with a hot drink? And a hot water bottle for comfort, if you have one.

I'll ring the GP Monday, I'm only on 10 mg for the next 2 week though before they increase, which I understand is a low dose. I seriously can't eat anything, I will try again soon though . Thankyou for your reply.

That’s good. Do try to keep hydrated. What can you manage to drink? I do know that can’t eat feeling . You’re hanging in there and getting through this particularly hard time

How are you doing @Confused2020? I’m glad you’re going to contact the GP.