So, this is my first time talking publicly about this and I’m very nervous to even write about it so please forgive me if it goes on too long or I start to ramble.
All my life has been traumatic, my dad is an alcoholic, mum a drug addict as they have both played a part in destroying every part of me. I witnessed so many things as a child that I only now realise was so fucked up. We were a seemingly normal family from the outside and we genuinely did have great times together at some points.
At 16 I met my ex partner and at 19, my ex partner and I fell pregnant and we had a beautiful little girl together, she was and remains the absolute apple of my eye. For 8 years we were together and spent the first four years of our daughters life putting on a brave front and desperately trying to create a normal family environment for her. Her dad was naive and immature but he loved that girl and she, him.
Last year, my parents marriage ended when it came to light that my mum was addicted to cocaine, had stolen every penny of my dads pension money, had over £60,000 of debt in my dads name and all whilst having an affair. My dad ended up in prison for the actions he took that night. My mum mentally and physically abused myself and my dad my entire life, she honestly destroyed me and I cannot condone my dads actions but it was the result of years of torture and torment. My dad went away for 6 months and my mum ran off with her boyfriend whilst continuing to do everything in her power to destroy me.
Meanwhile, my daughter is suffering through all of this because regardless of the issues, she adored her nanna and grandad.
In January this year, my daughters father and I split up, very amicably, we co-patented amazingly for months and things were starting to really look up. It then came to light that whilst her dad was caring for her on weekends, my daughter was being sexually abused by her 10 year old cousin. When all of this came out, her dad instantly denied it, called our daughter a liar and did everything in his power to ignore it all. I took the appropriate actions, contacted social services, the police, her school and I did everything I could to support her through it all but it broke me, watching her turn from this amazingly positive little girl to a shell of herself broke my heart.
I became very distant from her, I was physically there but not mentally and I will forever hate myself for not being there when she needed me the most. Something snapped after a couple of weeks and I started to get us back on track, my daughter and I are now closer than ever, we are being supported by her school and doctor dealing with the abuse and things are really looking up. Her dad has not contacted us in months, doesn’t pay anything and still holds true that my daughter is a liar.
I feel incredible guilt for everything that has happened to her and I’m feeling overwhelmingly suffocated by everything. I honestly don’t know what to do next, I put on a great show for the outside world but I’m not coping with life at all, I have absolutely no money, I’m too scared to pick the phone up and ask for help, I have no gas or heating until next week and even though my daughter thinks having the extra blankets and sleeping in mummy’s bed is fun, I know it’s because i’ve failed.
I don’t have anybody to talk to, no family and I lost all my friends because throughout this, I isolated myself to badly, never returned calls, etc.. so it’s my own fault really, I’m so lonely and sad and scared. If anybody can offer any kind words, I’d be wholeheartedly grateful, it’s been so long since I last had somebody to talk to/hug