Back to rock bottom after months of happiness

[DSK2009]

Last year was awful for me and I was convinced I was going to end it at some point. I didn’t, I got help and made changes and had support and since January things have gradually been getting better and better. Everything in life has been going so well, and I have felt at peace with myself, losing the self hate, relaxing about my body, my work and study is going great and I have felt truly happy. I used to struggle with loneliness but I had got to a point where when I chose to spend time alone or when it was the only option due to everyone having stuff on, I was fine, content and enjoyed it. Only two weeks ago this was all true.

Now I am back at rock bottom and having the darkest thoughts again. One of my longest, closest friends has basically broken up with me, telling me we have drifted etc etc. It really hurt me but I felt determined not to let it bring me down. She then spoke up and said that she would like to be in my life and that we should be friends. Well it didn’t sound genuine to me and I was still hurt and I chose to leave it, at least for a while, because of how much she hurt me. Now I don’t know if I was right but it feels too late. And now I’m feeling these horrible dark feelings and feel numb and desperate for an out and don’t know if this is even about her anymore.

How can one thing like this bring me so far down when I was doing so good? I don’t want to feel like this again, I hate it, I end up saying stupid things to people out of pure desperation to just talk and be helped but I don’t know how to ask properly for help without embarrassing myself with dramatic comments first. I just want to disappear. Is this going to happen every time something bad happens in my life? I don’t know if can deal with the thought of that

I have no advice for you, I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling and I hope things improve for you soon. Best of luck.

It's just a setback, don't let this undo all your hard work. A lot of people start feeling low this time of year, don't let it get a hold of you. Think positively, and keep your mind active. If you remain happy, you will attract people, just little goals , so you don't fail , and feel down if it doesn't go right. Best of luck

Are you still on medication, OP, and being reviewed regularly by your GP or psych team?
There may be a seasonal component to your dip in mood, compounded by the stress over your friend. And depression often follows a relapse/remission pattern through life anyway.
If your low mood is persisting, I'd recommend you go back to your GP and discuss whether you need to increase your meds or add in other treatments such as a SAD light or CBT for example.
It may just be that you have a tendency to "catastrophise" - you are naturally upset about your friend, as I think anyone would be, but you may be extrapolating that into a downward spiral:
"My friend doesn't want me, that means I'm unlikeable, all my friends must feel like that, they'll all go, I'll be alone in a garret all my days, my depression will worsen and I'm going to eat worms..." etc.
It's very easy to sink into that vortex of negativity. I've seen it in hundreds of depressed patients over the years.
If you feel that's something you tend towards, then CBT could be very helpful in challenging your thoughts and helping you to keep perspective on it:
"It's just one friend, and even she does still want to see me, so this is not quite such a huge downer as my mind is viewing it."
Don't despair and think you are necessarily back to square one with your depression, OP. Try re-examining how you feel about the friend, and try to separate out that from your general mood and symptom level. You will know how your depression feels when you are relapsing - if you recognise that is indeed the case now, then get an urgent appointment to access treatment. The sooner you get help, the sooner you can feel better again.
Best wishes, and I hope this is just a temporary blip. But if not, you know that treatment helped you before and it will again.

What you describe sounds a lot like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - I discounted this the first time I read about it then I observed myself in situations and began to recognise when the overwhelming feelings were taking me over. It really helped to know it was a thing that passes, and not just me.