I just need to vent a bit please.

[goodfornothinggnome]

I dont know where to start. I just need to talk to someone.
I am so lonely and fed up of being completely alone.
I'm trying my hardest to put on a brave face so DD doesn't know how I feel, and my DH is understandably over this situation.
I have been on ADs for 11 years, which haven't helped, I've been diagnosed with anxiety about the same amount of time, OCD for a few years and its thought that I might have C-PTSD.

I wake myself up crying every single morning, I cry and cry whenever no one Is around.

I am so scared to leave the house. I generally only go out when it's my only choice now. I don't trust people.

I just sort of need to chat. I've paid for therapy. I've had CBT. I've talked at length about my problems. I've been on every antidepressant my GP can give. Nothing has helped me and I'm wasting my life hidden away from the world with the curtains closed all day.
I'm so tired but I cant sleep.

That sounds shit. Do you have family or friends around to help you?

My life isn't even bad. It has been, but for 3/4 years things have been good. The only thing in my entire life that doesn't fit is me. I wont do anything silly because I have to be here. And I have to continue to do my part to make sure DD has the right type of childhood.

Sending you love and a hand hold

That sounds grindingly awful, gnome.
Have you come to some understanding of the roots of your distress in therapy? Or does it still feel really unclear?
I’ve had some of what you describe at various times, so I feel like I can relate to at least some of what you describe.
Please do keep chatting...

In practical terms were doing pretty well. DH and MIL are generally on hand whenever they're needed. Although DH is working more at the moment to cover the shortfall of me not being at work right now. DD is also of an age where shes generally quite low maintenance (shes almost 12 so washes herself, sorts her own hair etc) we've kept the cleaner on to make sure nothing slips in the house. I've got a counsellor who I make sure I keep my appointments with, regular food shop set up with asda so practically were good.

I know it sounds like I've got nothing to complain about. I dint understand how I felt so much better when things were so much worse

Thank you, I understand where it all comes from. I suffered sexual abuse from a very young age, throughout my entire childhood I was neglected, i spent most of my childhood bringing up my younger siblings. I was emotionally abused by my mum and my stepdad used to hurt me physically. Because I was smelly and anxious as a child I was ofcourse never liked.
I ended up a parent at 17. Thrown out with only the clothes I stood in at the same time.

It didnt even occur to me that my childhood was bad. I always thought it was because we were poor, but poor doesn't equal neglect. Throughout DDs childhood I've found it to be hard to accept how the "right" decisions I've made weren't necessarily hard to make, it just needed some effort to make them but no one saw me worth that effort.
DD is turning into a really wonderful person. Shes always been so kind, and gentle and at school she is liked by her teachers and other kids at school. I just dont feel I deserve to be her mum. I dont deserve the life i have. I just dont fit.

I know it all sounds stupid but I'm literally sat in tears as I write this.

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or CPN.

If none of the meds have worked so far you need more specialised care than you have been provided so far, a visit to your GP to push for a referral is a good idea.

I had never in my life felt comfortable until a few years ago. Until that point I didnt really have anywhere to hide.
I'd go to school to be spat at, punched and called names, and home wasnt any different.
When I had my own place my stepdad always had my address.
Now no one knows where I live, but this is the best my life has ever been, and I feel like the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit, but I dont feel like theres anywhere else I fit if that makes any sense at all?

gingerkittykat thank you, that's a good idea. I will do that as soon as I can get an appointment. My DH has been calling for me each day to get me in to see the GP in our practice who does the MH appts. I never thought of a CPN, or a psychiatrist for that matter.

Can you please tell me the difference between a psychiatrist and a counsellor? It's just that i thought they were the same thing.

Your wonderful DD is kind & gentle & well-liked at least in part due to your mothering. Well done!
Sorry things have been so rough in so many ways.
Your GP needs to try something different or refer you to someone who might help.

Sending you the warmest and most enveloping virtual hug.

Your childhood sounds terrible Gnome, of course it will have affected you

You are obviously an incredible Mum; to turn that situation around and bring up your dd the way you have, that she is a great person, deserves a lot of credit

Please do keep chatting and venting

A psychiatrist trained as a doctor and can prescribe medications.
A counsellor usually offers a talking therapy/advice. They can't really help much for full on psychiatric conditions like schizophrenia. They're good at helping people overcome trauma.
There are lots of type of counselling. You could google CBT and EMDR as two types of therapy that might suit. You might have to pay privately.
It's a journey that doesn't usually have a quick fix, but exercise, spending time outside in nature, and having healthy sleep and eating patterns are often part of the solution.

Thank you all for being so kind to me. I really appreciate it.

oh darling OP you sound like you are exhausted.

Don't underestimate the sheer emotional weight of your childhood - this is trauma unfolding.

you sound like a wonderful mum and maybe in all your great parenting you've triggered some of the neglect you felt

sending hugs

@Dilkhush ah so yes, I've seen a psychiatrist. Thank you for explaining that to me, I always get confused I know that a referral should be on it's way from the counsellor so I can hopefully get an assessment for c-PTSD. I'm having CBT at the moment (and it was helpful for OCD too.) Will look up EMDR.
I dont mind private treatment as it means access to the help I need otherwise its 12 weeks or so then another referral. I'd do almost anything to feel better than this.

You're posts really resonate with me and your life sounds similar to my mum's childhood and early adult life.

It wasn't until my mum met my (step) Dad at 30yrs old that she finally found some respect, happiness and love in her life. Unfortunately, given what she suffered previously the support she finally had in her marriage meant that the build up of abuse she had suffered over the years finally came out and she had a complete mental breakdown that she has never really recovered from. It's heartbreaking.

Do you do anything for you? You sound like a wonderful mother, your DC wouldn't be thriving so much if you weren't. But that's not all you are, you deserve to find out what makes YOU happy, interested, excited, motivated. What are you interested in? What do you want to do? Perhaps you can find fulfilment in helping others who suffered abuse like you did?

My mum has wilted away over the years and is a shadow of her what own personality could have been. It is a fucking crying shame that what she suffered has impacted her whole life. My mum was not weak, she gave me the very best childhood she could and I know she struggled everyday to provide that for me. I wish though that she had taken time for herself to DO something for her.

I wish you happiness and fulfilment, there will be something within your grasp that gives it to you. I know it will sound like an impossibility, but try to reach for it. Don't be like my mum x

EMDR is particularly good for treating PTSD. I strongly recommend it for you, probably in conjunction with other therapies, even if you haven't had a PTSD diagnosis yet. Some people see improvements very quickly so only a few consultations are needed. Our local hospital gives EMDR treatment to 30% of renal dialysis patients because of the trauma of the treatment. I also know a private provider who treats mainly young women who are stuck in the past and unable to move forward. Sometimes their trauma is from a single event, but more often from how they felt during their childhood. For reasons that are unclear, EMDR helps them move past it.

Yes I would second that. I was trained in delivering it as part of another therapy. It is very effective.