Questioning my bipolar diagnoses

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Wonder if anyone can shed some light as I’m driving myself crazy and obsessing over it from every angle trying to convince myself that I don’t have this

I was diagnosed in January after a 3 month long hypomanic episode triggered by sertraline. Now I don’t doubt I was manic, I definitely did a lot of things that were very out of character for me, but I’ve been reading that this can be a rare side effect for some who do not have bipolar disorder?

I was significantly depressed on and off a few years beforehand and was hospitalised in March for a severe depressive episode. I identify with that the most. But this is my conundrum. I don’t ever remember having any hypo/manic episodes before I started an antidepressant, like ever. Unless it’s just gone unnoticed, but I certainly can’t think of any hallmarks in the past.

Currently on lamotrigine and lithium and I have felt much better over the past few months, but part of me can’t help thinking that it’s just a placebo effect and I just had a breakdown last year due to too many things getting on top of me.

Has anyone else had these thoughts? The more the months go by, the more I’m convinced that they’ve got it wrong

In my view Bipolar is widely over diagnosed. I was diagnosed with it. I know other people who were. None of us are we were just in really bad places at the time and a label was needed.

This doesn''t mean of course that your not. But just that it is not in principle bad to query a diagnosis of it...

Thank you for your reply @FFSFFSFFS

That’s been my thought too. It took about 8 months before my psychiatrist and cpn said that I had bipolar disorder, which I think is quite quick personally. I have questioned other possible diagnoses like bpd, but they flat out said definitely not.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I will bring it up. I’m starting to see things too and phantom smells. Or voices when I’m trying to sleep and I feel incredibly angry! This has all been in the past month after about roughly 8 months stability. So I have no idea what that’s about either

Oh you poor thing. I think the thing is that everyone in the process can get so caught up in trying the get the correct diagnosis - but mental health is so different to other branches of medicine.

My personal view is that the large majority of mental illness is caused by trauma. And the way to treat it is to treat the trauma. How you label it it is in a way irrelevant.

Good luck.

@FFSFFSFFS
I never really had a traumatic childhood. I’m pretty sure my mum had bipolar, but she self medicated with alcohol so most of the time her symptoms were covered unless she wasn’t. She could go a good year without drinking, which I found bizarre. I loved her but a nightmare to live with.

So I had my psych meeting today and he was as much use as a chocolate tea pot. Just said anger and irritability is part of bipolar unfortunately. Increased my lamotrigine and gave me zoplicone. I don’t need zoplicone. And it doesn’t fucking work anyway

Is there anything else that helps? He offered diazepam, but that’s rubbish too. But now on second thoughts I’m thinking I should have just taken the diazepam because I honestly feel like I’m ready to snap. Going to ring my gp tomorrow.

Oh and he said my hallucinations were caused by anxiety. Erm...the hallucinations is what’s causing the anxiety! sorry just full of rage.

Oh I'm really sorry.

I have given up on psychiatrists personally. Which is not to say AT ALL that there are not some very good ones. But just that in my experience they can be very unhelpful and sometimes harmful. But to be clear Im NOT saying stop seeing your psychiatrist and I'm not saying stop following their recommendations!

I know you've said that you didn't have a traumatic childhood, but would gently suggest that the rest of that paragraph suggests the opposite......

I'm very happily on the other side of a full blown breakdown. My advice would be to be open-minded about trying all sorts of different things. Different therapies, read every book you can get your hands on, try and do exercise, make "self care" your mantra, look at how your living your life etc. I don't think there is one answer (I think drugs can be helpful but aren't the only answer) and it takes a long time to recover.

I think a good idea to see a GP. They can probably refer you to (limited) psychological therapy. If you can afford to pay privately for a therapist do that. And try a few different therapists to find the right one.

Hang in there though - I am a really happy example that you can get through these things!

Your post resonates with me. I have never been diagnosed with BPD however...

About 13yrs ago when in my mid thirties I had a miscarriage which was handled badly by the hospital. I was put on antidepressants (Fluoxetine), which I agreed to because I was feeling low. Fast forward a couple of months on them and my behaviour was unrecognisable! I was manic, angry, irrational and eventually, suicidal. So much so I ended up in a psychiatric hospital on a voluntary basis. I was only there two weeks but it was like a thunderbolt. I knew I needed help but knew that being there wasn't the solution. I very quickly pinned it down to the anti depressants so stopped taking them.

I felt so much better. Had a few counselling sessions (which were crap) then decided I would handle my depression myself. Which I have done ever since.

That was 15 years ago and I would never take them again. I am NOT a medical professional and would never suggest one way or another as to what anyone would do except advise to see GP etc. Nor am I suggesting our situations are the same.

I just read some similarities and thought it may be useful. Good luck

@FFSFFSFFS I’ve had cbt before but I never found it particularly helpful, I don’t know if it’s because I was really unwell at the time though and not willing to fully engage. I might try it again now my mind’s a bit clearer.

@dontdoxmeeither oh gosh that sounds awful. I’ve only tried 3 antidepressants. Citalopram when I was in my early 20’s which sent me loopy, mirtazapine which made me want to kill myself, ended up in a&e about 3 times in the space of a couple of weeks and and sertraline which made me loopy too. I’m not on them anymore and I feel so much better for it.

I have bipolar diagnosis and I can take antidepressants. They don't make me manic. But I can go manic even though I am on loads of meds. This happens usually in spring.

@ this is what happened to me in April. I was on a mood stabiliser and I still went hypomanic. Long story short, I ended up going to London, didn’t sleep for 3 days and decided it would be a good idea to go on tinder and invite strangers to my hotel room. Never been on that app in my life. I’ve since deleted it. But this is very, very rare for me. I’m mainly depressed more than anything

@Redannie118 I’ve found since being off antidepressants completely I feel a lot better. It just made things worse. Even with antipsychotics and mood stabilisers I was going from one extreme to the other. I honestly think it just didn’t agree with me

Hmm, tricky, I also wonder if the diagnosis really matters at this point and if you would consider other avenues to wellness? I feel like your description of your own childhood does sound quite traumatic, sometimes it's hard to see it when you have lived it. A parent self-medicating bipolar with alcohol is never going to bring about a happy childhood for anyone in their care.
For you, a diagnosis can be helpful as an explanation of behaviour, however I don't know how much it helps on a day to day, living with the behaviour, kind of level. Also, I suppose that changing medication means that there will be turbulent times until the body regulates to the new medication. I hope you find something that helps, but maybe try and let go of the need for a definitive diagnosis and consider other options instead.

@Woollycardi thank you for your reply. Yes I agree. I just want to get better to be honest. I’ve been doing so well for about 8 months and this just feels like a massive slap in the face. My psych said that I was low. I didn’t think I was, but today has taken an unexpected turn for the worse and I think crap, probably I am. Funny how people notice these things before you do.

Do you have therapy or would you consider it? It's ok to feel low though, that's a normal human response, it's just from what you write you sound to me like you could do with talking things through with someone.

@Woollycardi yeah probably. I’ve had such a horrible year, mainly at the beginning. I broke down with my therapist before, just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop it. But I felt better for it that she treated my feelings as valid and not just brush me off. I think I would definitely consider it again. Again, from my previous post, I’m in a much better state of mind now and I think I’ll be more responsive to it

I also have a cpn who is good to talk to as well

What help would you like to support you in managing your condition?

On what you've told us, I'd be asking for a more intensive type of therapy such as psychodynamic psychotherapy. They're unlikely to refer you for that until you're stable though.

In the kindest way, you seem to lack awareness around your condition and how it affects you. You say you didn't have a traumatic childhood, then you describe an alcoholic mother with mental illness. That is traumatic. You don't feel you have bipolar, but then you describe multiple symptoms of bipolar (highs and lows, impulsiveness, irritability).

It's OK to lack awareness, these are relatively new things to you. But you could do with some support in identifying these things, that might in turn help you identify triggers, things to avoid and other ways to help you keep well.

@MrsMaiselsMuff I’ve never heard of those types of therapy, but it does sound like it could be beneficial. Thank you, I’ll ask about it at my next appointment with my cpn.

With the trauma thing, I suppose you’re right. It’s sometning I was used to and never really questioned it, but I have a child myself now and I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that in front of him. Even though I loved my mum a lot, I can understand from an outsiders point of view where you are coming from.

I was only diagnosed in January, so maybe it’s natural to question it, maybe I’m in denial who knows. It got a lot worse before it got better that’s for sure! And part of me (and I know I shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions who aren’t professionals) but long story short I was part of a small group on Facebook, I think about 10 of us in total, and a few of them treated me horribly.

When I was at my worst (it was a bad episode. I went up and down in quick succession) and needed support, I was told that I was attention seeking and self centred and if I really had a bipolar disorder I wouldn’t be acting the way that I was. I’ve since left the group as I realised they were toxic, but it’s always stuck in my mind and made me question that it’s me that’s the problem, not the disorder. I’ve probably put that terribly, sorry if that doesn’t make any sense.