Severe anxiety and depression at work (and they don't believe me!)

[liveinhope100]

So i've been suffering from crippling anxiety and depression - recently it all became too much and I had numerous breakdowns at work. I went to HR and my boss and opened up all about my anxiety and depression. That was so hard - I feel embarrassed even having to talk about my mental health let alone be at work in tears and everyone looking at me.

So i went to the doctor. They gave me anti-depressants but refused to give me Valium for my anxiety - got my hands on some anyway and took one today which has helped. My doctor wanted to sign me off of work but I felt awful and anxious at the thought of what they would all think and tried to avoid getting signed off. I went back to work and had another breakdown.

I had two days off work and spent the whole time in bed, barely ate or slept. I forced myself to go back to work today. I have just seen emails exchanged between my boss and the HR woman saying that my work colleague was also 'conveniently' off at the same time as me - so they are both implying I completely lied about EVERYTHING, faked crying and decided to just spend a few days off work with my work friend! I can't quite believe that I took the step to open up to someone at work about something so personal and it gets completely thrown back in my face. Some people really don't have a clue how debilitating depression and anxiety all can be. I'm actually so furious about work I feel to look for a new job.

How do you all cope at work? What do you do when it all gets too much and you can't even get out of bed to shower let alone go to work?

I'm hoping the anti-depressants will kick in soon but I know it might take a while. I'm worried about any breakdowns I may have in the meantime. Would be keen to hear from others

Go back and ask your GP to sign you off.

Ask to GP to sign you off and you are very much wrong if you think Valium will help you long term.

You need some space and I would recommend stepping back from work and having some time off to reflect.

Self medicating isn’t always the way either!

refused to give me Valium for my anxiety - got my hands on some anyway and took one today which has helped

OP please listen to me.... I did this too, I ended up in rehab. You are not stronger than Valium, you will definitely get addicted to it if you take it daily over a sustained period and the withdrawal will make your anxiety 100 times worse.

Stop taking drugs that aren’t prescribed for you for a starter.

How did you see the emails?

They are not implying anything though - they may have even been joking because it's hard when two people are off at once.

I don't think you are making the best decisions at the moment, OP. Staying off work is more likely to be better for you than not coping when you are there. Buying medication off the internet is really inadvisable and you should trust your GP more. But that is also a symptom IMO - you have a fixed idea of what help you should receive and if it doesn't match that (such as the GP refusing to prescribe unsuitable medication) then you consider that they haven't helped at all.

OP please listen to me.... I did this too, I ended up in rehab. You are not stronger than Valium, you will definitely get addicted to it if you take it daily over a sustained period and the withdrawal will make your anxiety 100 times worse.
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As did I. Took them for 4 months lost a chunk of my life I was a awful person.

Thanks for everyone's messages. I got Valium from my relative - only 5 tablets so i won't be able to get anymore and I only took the first one today. I don't plan to use them regularly I just wanted to see if there was anything that could stop these awful anxiety attacks but I appreciate how dangerous and addictive they can be.

As for the emails, I am a PA so I have access and am allowed to read my bosses email. He deleted the ones about me but not in his deleted items. Didn't expect him to understand just didn't think they would all think i'm lying. I think you are all right though, I will get signed off of work and hope Setraline kicks in soon.

Go back to your gp. Stop trying to just get to work think you’ll be ok if you just try harder.
You won’t.

Your body has told you repeatedly that it can’t take the stress any longer.
Get signed off. The anti depressants take about three weeks to raise your serotonin levels and then you will feel better. An occupational health appointment could be helpful prior to your return to work if your company has an OH provider. They are on your side not the employers in my experience.

Do not take any more non-prescription meds. Your gp is not trying to be unhelpful, she is trying to keep you fit to work and not addicted to Valium. It’s an absolute bastard to get off that stuff. Robs you of tears of your life. Do not jeopardise your life by taking it. It’s a short term fix but it’s not what you need.

If you’d step back and let your gp sign you off in a few weeks and chill you would realise we are right advising you to avoid non-script meds like the plague.

Incidentally, is the reason your so stressed due to a lack of training, bullying or something else that’s the employers fault?

@Elieza thank you for all your amazing advice and taking the time to help. I won't mess with Valium anymore I just got so desperate and just wanted a break from it all - hopefully the Setraline will help with the anxiety as well as depression so I will just put my faith in that.

Nothing to to with work - i have been battling infertility for the past 2 years and had to stop trying o that's what has triggered such severe depression and anxiety.

Thanks again

Get signed off. Engage with some counselling.

Drugs are only a temporary fix, your issues are still there afterwards but so is a come down too so you actually feel worse.

Get some talking therapy, and maybe a new job once you've milked the heartless bastards for all the sick pay you can get

@KellyHall I'm definitely going to do therapy. And great idea - heartless bastards indeed! Thank you so much for the great advice

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time with infertility. That can totally destroy you. No wonder you’re stressed out your head.

Best way to look at this is to stop trying for a baby for the time you are off work (if you still are trying, eventually you become like a machine and it’s not fun any more). Give yourself permission to rest your body and recuperate for a short while until you are fully fit again.

Take the meds. They work really well for so many people. If they don’t just ask you gp for different ones. It took me a couple of types before I found the one that suited me, but my bf and bestie got their good results first time on that one you’re on. Takes at least three weeks.

Once your work has your sick line that will confirm you are genuinely ill and not off for a jolly with friends. (They are cheeky fucks to think they can imply such a thing).

Put in for counselling ASAP as there can be a waiting list.

While you are off think about what you want to do about your job. You may wish to leave?

Get your body back to its full fitness once you have energy to go out for a walk or the gym or swim, whatever it is you like to do to get a bit of exercise. In the mean time if you are too weak or tired do mindfulness or tai chi as these are gentle and will help your body.

Eat well. No junk if you can manage to eat healthy stuff it will support your body.

When you are feeling better, if you have money to get acupuncture it can help with fertility issues. I know two people who conceived after years of trying and miscarriages after trying acupuncture. Get someone who is a member of the professional body and ask them their experience with the infertility issues you have. They may or may not be able to get your body receptive for when you start trying again depending on what the problems are. Your body may take a few months to be more healthy? It’s been through a lot recently so give yourself a break. Keep taking the folic acid anyway, we need it whether pregnant or not.

Good luck

@Elieza wow, can you be my personal therapist?! lol honestly it's just nice someone understands how crushing it can be and how shitty my work are for doubting me!

Everything else you suggested is great. I have tried acupuncture and I will definitely do that again. I'm going to definitely look for a new job when I'm feeling better and stronger and you are right I need to look after myself - healthy eating and slowly getting back out there with walks or yoga.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a constructive message :)

Hee hee, Aw shucks, glad it helps.

Sounds like you have some plans for what you are going to do so that’s really positive.

Like all professionals sometimes you get a fully qualified plumber/joiner/ hairdresser/acupuncturist thats good and sometimes not so good.

Don’t be scared to do a bit of research. I don’t know if trust pilot etc score acupuncture!

You could post something on here asking if anyone in the (your) area knows of a good acupuncturist experienced in fertility work. You may have to travel to the next county or something but it will be totally worth it if you can have a successful pregnancy. My therapist is in the Strathclyde area so that’s prob not near you but she’s great.

Once you are not so stressed you may find you conceive without trying. I have a relative who adopted twice and then fell pregnant a decade later without even considering it was possible!
Good luck OP, you know where we are if you want to post again

Hi @liveinhope100 - hope you are ok!

Not so much advise here, I think @Elieza has covered that part (even I enjoyed reading your message haha)

But I was in a similar position, I have never taken anything for anxiety, I always just try my hardest to get through it, but some days feel like a battle and I just wonder when it will stop!! (Negative thoughts and just being negative in general) I never used to be like this so I'm not sure exactly what has triggered it.

I work in an admin role, and last year I got caught up in a lot of HR stuff, my manager at the time told HR that my partner was being abusive towards me... which is not the case and probably couldn't be more opposite. Me and her never really saw eye to eye and she made up a load of lies. She has since had therapy for the way she was, as she had numerous odd behaviour, but has never acknowledged what she did to me. She told a lot of people at work too so I literally lost my shit at work and they signed me off with stress, I was so frustrated, I got zero support. I have also been suffering with infertility issues which hasn't helped. We had a miscarriage last March after having a round of IVF and not one person asked if I was ok, just asked when I was coming back and that a "few days" was a bit too long to be off...

So yeah I can totally relate. I just make sure that my home and personal life is exactly how I want it to be, theres more to life than work and nasty people :) Hope you feel much better soon xx

Hi @Dot457 and thanks for sharing your story/journey. It really helps to hear about other people going through similar struggles even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Sorry to hear about your anxiety - it's just awful isn't it and no real solution just coping methods! How do you manage yours?

I cannot believe what you had to go through at work. During such an emotional and stressful time the last thing anyone needs is all that stress in the workplace. Did you end up leaving? I'm so sorry to hear about your infertility struggles and miscarriage - i actually had one 15 months after trying. That month I got my BFP I literally could not stop smiling and then the bubble burst and it was all over in one morning. Absolutely heartbreaking. I kept telling myself most women fall pregnant soon after a m/c but of course I wasn't one of the lucky ones. Had 4 months on Clomid and trigger shot but nothing...and had to stop because the Clomid may have over-stimulated my ovaries and I may have a cyst. So infertility, miscarriage, cyst and now not even trying for a baby so it really does suck and definitely the root cause of my depression and anxiety.

Out of interest, was your IVF successful? Sorry to talk about this when my original post was about mental health but it's great to hear from someone who went through a similar journey to me x