Emotional Neglect?

[Nikster11]

Hello, I don't really know where to begin with this and I'm not totally sure if I'm just making a big deal out of something small.

Basically for as long as I can remember, I've always felt as though I'm unimportant and as if my feelings and opinions don't matter. I've always been fairly quiet and have always struggled to form proper bonds with people and am generally a bit socially awkward. I always thought it was just my personality until I had my Daughter 2 years ago and then it made me begin to look at my childhood and really question the way myself and my brother were brought up.

Nothing that happened was that big a deal, but now I have a daughter it really upsets me to think it seemed as though our parents didn't really care about us.

I will post a few examples that I can remember that shock me now that I'm a mum:
-parents never attended sports days.
-didn't come to watch me play sports on a weekend (even if I asked them to, went for a coffee instead).
-never attended parent teacher nights.
-told me exams didn't matter and wouldn't help revise, even when I asked for help.
-told me to drop out of A levels.
-Took brother out of school at 14 to "home school" him, even though he was an incredibly difficult child and they didn't have a hope in hell of actually teaching him anything.
-told us events such as Xmas and birthday were "a load of sh*t" and put Xmas tree up a day before Xmas and would take it down again on Boxing Day. Birthdays we didn't receive cards or cakes past the age of about 9. Was told it was all just a waste of time. Never tried to make it exciting or special, although we always had nice prezzies at Xmas.
-every "family trip away" was so that my father could go fishing or watch motorbikes etc. I recall maybe 2 times that we did something for me and brother.
-I cooked own dinner from about 9 years old (pizza or nuggets every night for tea).

• never took us to the dentist.

I don't know if all of the above is just petty, and if really maybe this is just a classic family who were struggling to bring 2 children up.

There are so many more examples of where it seems as though maybe they were just a bit selfish and as if we were in the way, but I could be here all day listing.

Just wanted thoughts on if the above is fairly normal?

Thanks

Not normal, not petty.

I experienced a minute amount of what you describe as a child so relate a bit.I think treating an child like an adult was a popular parenting style back in the day.

All that stuff is telling you that you don't matter, you're not being seen or 'held' or encouraged. Therapy helped me understand this sort of thing is neglect and has an effect.

Have you ever asked your parents why they did this ? I once plucked up enough courage to ask one of my parents why they never sent me a bd card as a child (or an as adult) and they said 'whoever did that for me?' So at least I got some sort of explanation for that.

Oh @Nikster11 I am so sorry, of course it was not a small thing!! Perhaps you may consider having a couple of sessions of therapy/counselling to explore your feelings and move forward from where you are now so that you do not feel stuck or imprisoned by your upbringing?

I'd say all of what you describe is emotional neglect, and some of that is physical e.g. dentist, leaving you to cook. I say that as someone who experienced a minutiae of what you describe.

I am sure there are lots of parents who neglect their kids in all honesty, we just don't hear a lot about it.

I'm really sorry you went through that and I can understand how being a parent is bringing it all up for you.

Therapy sounds like a good step forward. As PP mentions it's often the case that their parents didn't provide a loving environment either, certainly in my case, along with other undiagnosed issues. That doesn't excuse it or make it acceptable, plenty of parents manage.

I came to the conclusion that being able to judge my parents myself and own my feelings was quite powerful. Your feelings and opinions absolutely do matter, for the simple reason that you exist.

Also remember, now you are an adult and you can provide some of the family life you want.

Oh well I'm glad it's not just me overreacting!

I wasn't sure whether to write on here about it at all, but since I've had my Daughter it has made me think about it quite a lot.

I messaged my brother to see if he felt similarly. We are not at all close, but his ex partner said he had told her he'd had a horrible childhood, so I thought it was a good place to start. He was quite defensive about my parents and said he had seen much worse (which I absolutely don't dispute), he remembered them not attending sports days etc and not doing an awful lot with us, but he thought we'd turned out ok considering. He has had a drink and drug problem, used to beat his ex girlfriend and has severe depression. While I've not had those problems, I suffered with severe anxiety for most of my childhood and have always been a bit of a mute when in groups of people. So I wouldn't say we've turned out perfectly.

The weirdest bit is is that my parents are actually good people. They weren't horrible or abusive, just very passive and didn't put in any effort at all. I think that's what confuses me even more. I just don't understand it really. My mum is really bubbly and outgoing and helps out with my Daughter once a week etc, but if I ask for any more help than that it is more often than not rejected. My partner and I both had a sick bug one day and I asked them to look after my Daughter because of it and was told they would come up to look after her for 2 hours but that was all. They don't socialise or have any hobbies or commitments so I know it was just to go home and have their dinner. They often reject when I ask them to come up for coffee etc, and I think I've gotten to the point where I'm just going to stop asking for any help or to socialise with them etc and leave them come to me.

I haven't really considered therapy as such (but maybe should). I have thought about speaking with my mum about it. My Dad would never talk to me again if I said anything to him, but I think my mum would be mortified and probably would admit that she didn't do enough.

So glad I posted on here though, so I know I'm not going mad!

Thanks for all advice.

Also, forgot to say!

I had considered that it was their own upbringing.

I know that my mum grew up in a very physically abusive household and often saw her mum being beaten etc for years. She had 7 siblings so I guess can't have received all that much attention herself. She also left home at 16, as soon as she was able to get away from it all.

As for my Dad, I believe that he had a fairly normal childhood, but don't know too much more about it unfortunately.

I guess it would make sense that maybe my Mum just genuinely thought it was quite normal to leave your kids get on with it and not pay too much attention to them if that's how she was brought up. She really isn't a bad or horrible person, just a bit selfish and uncaring. Maybe I will try and speak to her about it one day.

I've been thinking about this recently, and have wondered if I should get a bit of therapy. How could I organise this? I never felt loved as a child by my mother, she would never cuddle me or kiss me or tell me she loved me, all the things I do for my children every day. She always criticised me and put me down, as a result I have no confidence and always think I'm annoying friends or bothering them. My parents didn't visit me when I had my twins until they were 6 weeks old. I still feel so affected by her rejection and I think it's come back to me since having my own children as I realise that I wasn't really loved. As a teenager and when I left home I used to self harm a little but always hid it from my friends. I still sometimes think about cutting myself but I know it would upset my DP.

Oh wow, that sounds awful. I didn't experience anything like that, but that must be horrific to live with and to think about now that you have your own child.

Not sure about where you would begin to go for help, but maybe start with going to the doctors and explaining how you feel etc and maybe they refer you for some therapy/counselling.

X

Thanks. The thing is it sounds like you had it pretty bad to me. We always had good dinners and my parents always came to parents evening. I hated that they came though because I wasn't the best behaved at school and my mum would give me serious silent treatment and withdrawal of nice things after. I think most families aren't perfect, but there was little warmth in mine. I'm just doing my best to not let it happen to my children as history often repeats itself. I'm definitely strong enough to overcome this, but need a bit of a hand at the moment.