Struggling

[emberember]

I'm not sure if this can help but I'm just so sick of myself and always screwing everything up. I'm intelligent and capable, but sooner or later I mess up. It is how I deal with people, I don't know how to change.

I've never had a job that lasted any length of time, they always end with either me leaving because I'm unhappy or them getting rid of me because of relationship issues, never my work as such.

I've not been working for years, we can live off my husband's income but I feel guilty and that I am wasting my life. I've been involved in some voluntary things but even there the same thing happens. A few weeks ago, I started volunteering somewhere new and thought it was going really well but found that another volunteer had complained about me. I found this out indirectly and was very upset and went home. No-one has contacted me since, which shows that they must be happy I've gone.

I'm so sick of being me. I hate myself and have no escape. I can't even kill myself because I know it would damage my children. So I'm just stuck pretending to be normal as much as I can, in order that they don't suffer.

Please talk to someone - you can self refer via the NHS for counselling. I know its a cliche but its does help. Really.

I too was at home not working for periods of time and it doesn't suit everyone. Humans do need some interaction otherwise our self esteem ebbs away.

Go on Emberember - google self referral ... do it now!
Don't let your first go a volunteering put you off - in my experience, depending on what you're doing, they can be quite bitchy environments.

What kind of relationship issues have you had, is the complaint a one off or has this happened in previous jobs too?

It can be really difficult to hear negative feedback about yourself. But you want to make a change and that's the first step in the right direction.

I've tried to change but always end up in the same situation, it just makes me hate myself. I've had CBT, cognitive analytical therapy, done online CBT and lots of different antidepressants. I've also done self referal once for a local organisation but the person they put me in contact with was very inflexible and I wasn't able to fit in with what she wanted.

I have the same issues with work, I rarely last more than a couple of months and sometimes only one day.

I luckily found a very solitary job and I've been able to hold it down for 3 years now.

Maybe lone working is the way for you?