Possible PND but prob need counselling anyway! How do you go about it?

[feelingwobbly]

I have DS1 2.5 and DS2 10 wks. I had a difficult time bonding with DS1 due to him suffering constant health and development probs in his first year (none serious really but unpleasant and worrying at the time) though he is perfectly healthy now. I have good times with him but still feel our bond is not as it should be and seem to resent him as he has been late to do most things (all in mormal limits though). I prefer to palm him off on dh who is wonderful and just think this is so bad for me to feel like this. DS2's birth was 100% better and I bonded with him straight away- until this week that is...he has not been feeding well and his weight gain not much this week. This sounds ABSOLUTELY SO UNIMPORTANT I know but it just sends me into a huge downer. DS1's weight gain was a huge issue with me as he was so little and I wanted him to catch up. Anyway, I'm now wallowing in everything that is not perfect in my life including a tough childhood. Sometimes, DS's general behaviour triggers me into these downers so it's not always the same trigger. Yesterday I was the worst mother in the world. We took DS's on a day out to something DS1 loves but within 10 mins of getting there, it started pouring with rain and the camera battery ran out. I stormed back to the car and couldn't cope at all- we ended up all going home. I was heartbroken because DS1 was so excited when we got there but even that couldn't spur me on. This morning I have really SHOUTED at DS1 because he turned off my breast pump and then five mins later disturbed DS2 when he was feeding. I am aware he is just doing it for a reaction and seems to know when I'm feeling fragile. Really think I need counselling or something but haven't got a clue where to start. Please help!

I don't think you should be hard on yourself at all - PND is just one of those things that happens, and it's treatable. And I speak from experience - I thought I was having problems bonding with DD, and it took a very short time of taking a low dose of anti-depressants and having counselling to change things radically.

So, the first port of call is definitely to talk to the most sympathetic doctor at your practice (mine have one who specialises in mental health) and see what they say. They will probably give you some anti-depressants - I was very reluctant to take them at first but it has made a huge difference - and may well be able to refer you for counselling.

If not, then perhaps think about finding someone privately - it doesn't have to be expensive as many people do discounted rates for people on low incomes.

But - and only you know the answer to this - I wonder whether your tough childhood is the key to this? My mother didn't really bond with me, and when I had dd so many of these issues and my childhood came back up and bit me, and it was really helpful to talk it all through.

But please don't beat yourself up about it - although it's a classic depressive thing to do. you're not the worst mother in the world - not least because you know what's happening and you've started to ask for help. And I'm not sure that there's a mother of two children under 3 who hasn't shouted at them...

hth

Thank you for your advice. I would find someone privately but maybe if I go to the GP, they'll know of a PND support group which I think would help me. Yes, I think a lot of this is because of my childhood which was not tough in the classical sense but, in short, a father who didn't really want kids and very inconsistent with discipline and a mother who was very caring but very weak, naive and very low expectations- bit mixed up really!!! Think it does all come into focus when you have your own kids though I have always had (well, for at least 10 years) short depressive periods like this.

I think that sounds like a good start - and also, even if they can't get you into counselling, your GP ought to be able to recommend someone locally with a good reputation.

I really think it's worth it, myself. I went to see someone a few years ago, but she said to me, if and when you do have children, you might want to come back. And she was right - as you said, having your own children really does make you think again about it all.

So I went for a second, short, bout of counselling, and it, along with the ADs, has really helped. In fact, it's taken me a day to reply, because my mother has been up to stay, and, for the first time, I've really enjoyed seeing her with dd, and feeling that we are both making things better through the next generation. And I never thought that would happen!

Good to hear you had a nice weekend with your dm and dd. Well, today I feel much better and am doing fine, don't feel like there is a problem at all. I would feel I was wasting a GP's time if I went to see them when I was feeling like this (90% of time)! Is it normal to only feel rubbish some of the time and still have depression or pnd?

Hi, there. Really pleased to hear that you're having a better day. But it sounded like yesterday was pretty awful for you, and you did seem really low, so maybe you should keep an eye on how often it happens and think about seeing your GP anyway if it happens more frequently. I had PND myself after my first child, and would hate to think of anyone going through it without getting help.

I think only you really know whether it's a bad patch or a full on depression. But it's probably worth chatting to your GP anyway; I was worried that she'd think I was wasting her time, but that wasn't the case at all. And if you want counselling anyway, it's as good a place as any to start.

Funnily enough, though, it was having a good day that finally made me talk to my GP. I remembered what I used to feel like, and it made me realise just how down I was most of the time. But, and most importantly for me, I realised how much better I was with dd. I was quite badly affected, I think, by my mother's PND (she had a really miserable childhood) and didn't want to repeat the same pattern with my dd. So I did it for her sake more than my own, but am very glad for myself that I did!