Why can't i be a nice person? No matter how much i try?

[G3rm4ny15]

I am a 19 - year old female, studying child psychology/ primary teaching wit the OU and also a full time care assistant in a residential home.

No matter how hard i try to be a nice person, i always relapse into horrible attitudes and behavior.

I used to be a very happy person until my parents split up when i was 12. My dad quickly re-married to an abusive junkie which he prioritized over his children. I haven't seen my dad in over 4 years.

It took me a long time to get over what happened in my late childhood and ever since i have been angry at the world. I crave male attention and i dont care who from. I have a bad attitude and am very defensive.

i have tried self reflection and all sorts but i seem to be so unaware of how i behave even when i AM trying to be aware. Even when i think im being nice i can come across bitchy or snarky.

when i am in contact with new people i am very anxious and focus all my attention on how i present myself.
I have very low dips in mood and motivation at times and can distance myself from people.
I sleep a lot and have a very poor social life with only one close friend.
I can trust too easy and not trust at all.
I lied a lot to my parents, mostly about boy stuff so they wouldn't judge me - but i am so honest with my friends? (lately i have been open and honest with my parents, but doing so seems to be used in later arguments/ disagreements).

But at the same time I can love hard, be selfless, laugh and smile and enjoy myself.

I have tried self reflection, self awareness etc but i always seem to make silly mistakes with friends and family- i am now at the point where my family do not trust me, and hate the person i am and no longer want to be around me.

I have tried thinking positively, being self aware, focusing on hobbies, keeping myself busy etc but i just cant seem to help myself. What should i do?

Investing myself in the drama is not the case at all...

Many people have told me i have a bad attitude- My mother tells me i am not a nice person, currently wanting little to do with me.

I try very hard to be friendly and nice but i have an underlying bad attitude and selfish behaviors that i am unaware i am doing most of the time.

i am having family problems (that myself are creating). I cant seem to live up to the normal expectations of a good daughter through my own bad life choices and the people i surround myself with.

However i have made alot of better life choices and dropped the old ones, but it never seems to be enough, that paired with my bad personality.

i am not looking for sympathy i am literally trying to look for help.

I think you have anger from your parents divorce that you needs to come out. Try some counselling and physical exercise.

Can you accept that it's part of human nature to feel anger and maybe drop some of your self-judgement over that?
I don't know if I'm way off the mark, but I get the impression from what you write that you are quite detached from yourself. Maybe because your analysis is so critical and detailed? I agree with Mermaidtissues, perhaps look into counselling and other ways of releasing anger but also try and and find acceptance of a normal part of the human condition. We're all angry, we just have have difference ways of dealing with it.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You are still very young and have had a rough time.

Spending a bit of time by yourself, relaxing and not worrying about such stuff might be a good idea.

I would advise counselling as well.

You need to understand what it is that you get out of poor behaviour. If it's even that poor. I am posting on the presumption what you have said is correct. Though I suspect you are being overly critical.

We dont keep doing the same things over and over if we get nothing out it.

You are trying to be better. That's a start. But dont be to harsh on yourself if you slip up. If you slip up, take the steps to rectify and move on. When trying to improve anything we can make mistakes. It's how we come back from it that matters.

I also agree with above posters that some therapy would really help you, if you can afford it. You've obviously had a lot of negative messages from your parents that won't have helped your self esteem. An impartial therapist would help you understand why you feel the way you do and help you find out what your best qualities are.

I recognise a lot of what you say about not feeling like a nice person, and focusing on your presentation in order to distract people. I was the same when I was your age. Aside from therapy, what helped me was meeting some really nice people who showed me what good friendship behaviours look like. By believing their positive perception of me and following their example, I feel like I'm a very different person today and I actually like myself (most of the time).

I honestly don't think you're as bad as you're painting yourself, but you definitely need to distance yourself from your negative family, as only you should have the last word on you and who you become.

I think Mermaid speaks sense. You have a lot of anger that needs to be expressed and it's affecting how you interact with people. But you don't want to be unpleasant so that's also making you worried and stressed.

You're young - I know it's probably annoying being told that by older women on here - but I'm 50 and had a problematic childhood (I also stopped seeing my dad completely) and I think it took a long time and a lot of counselling to learn how to handle and understand my anger. At 19 I was nowhere near your level of self-reflection! Give yourself a break - you're on a learning curve that not everyone has to deal with, and it's hard. You know what you need to achieve, you're on the way.

One counsellor told me "anger is distress". It comes from feeling hurt, upset or wronged, which you have been. It helped me a lot to listen to my own pain and let myself feel that honestly, instead of trying to suppress anger and bad feelings, if that makes sense.

I think counselling would help you though I know that's easier said than done, it costs money or there are waiting lists and so on. But meanwhile I'd recommend the books Toxic Parents and A Woman In Your Own Right - they really helped me, especially the second one. It's about assertiveness - in other words interacting in a calm, kind and straightforward way and valuing and loving yourself.

Your doing well at 19 to be self aware and realizing the connection between your past and your current thoughts and actions.
Being kind and thoughtful is about maturity and life experience, it will come.
Meanwhile at 19; eat well, sleep well, stay fit, read and find an outside interest (mind you your studies fit in to this, so stay current).
Your brain is still developing so know you will eventually get there.
You can btw fake it till you make it, say hello when you really don’t give a shit. Pay someone a compliment even if you think it’s silly. Pick up something even if you didn’t drop it or want to bend over.
Just try, eventually it becomes second nature.