I am sitting on the floor in floods of tears and I just need some help. I feel like I have exhausted every person in my real life. I also just typed out a huge message on here and now it’s disappeared 😪
I recently posted a thread named “he finally hit me” please read that for all the background knowledge as I can’t retype it all now.
I am in the process of leaving an abusive partner. We have been together for 2.5 years and I love him to destruction 😔
2 weeks ago, when I made clear that I really was leaving him and after making a comment about his sister (following a 1.5 hour of him screaming at me) he physically attacked me for the first time. Although, to be honest, he has pushed me, pulled covers off me and made me sleep with no cover all night, slapped my hand when I’ve tried to turn blasting radio down in his van etc all of which, I am now accepting, are physical attack’s in their own way.
I have spent the past 2 weeks at my mums house due to the attack. He never apologised. He did send me a message a few days later asking if “you want to come home until you get your keys?” Which I know will be an apology to him.
I have spent these 2 weeks overthinking every single aspect of our relationship. Maybe if I would have done more, he wouldn’t have called me a lazy bitch? Maybe if I had tried harder, he wouldn’t have ended up calling me a slut, slag, daft cunt etc I mean, writing it down alone is enough to make me shake my head that these are things I actually do believe.
I get the keys to my new place tomorrow morning. I don’t know how I am going to do this.
He works Saturdays so yesterday, my daughter and I came to the house so she could say goodbye to his dog and we could do some packing. He also took my key off me after the attack so I haven’t been able to come back to pack but managed to get a spare key. We were packing and suddenly he arrived home. He’d been shopping and bought a whole new wardrobe. This made me actually be sick in my stomach as I knew this meant he was going out. We never went out really together and he NEVER goes out- in the 2.5 years we’ve been together, he’s been out twice at Christmas for works do.
He came in the house and was his usual lovely self as my daughter was there- made her porridge they were playing etc. Then we went.
He knew I was coming to the house to pack today. I’ve got here and he went out last night and hasn’t come home 🤢 I feel he’s done this on purpose as he knows it’s going to upset me. He’s even taken the dog somewhere overnight so he had no intention of coming home. He’s left the ironing board in the middle of the living room so I will know he’s gone out.
Why? Why, why why has this upset me so much? I spent last night crying at my friends house that I’m so upset now he’s actually physically attacked me I will never ever go near home again- he’s not even getting my new address. So why am I so devastated that he’s gone out last night and now I’m crying on the floor as I don’t know where he is. How pathetic am I 😔 i feel like a worthless idiot. I also shouted at my daughter last night while we were doing her homework as I was so stressed and anxious about the next few days. So I cried myself to sleep last night with the guilt that I’m actually abusing her too! Please give a pathetic woman some words of encouragement as I feel like giving up 😔