How to deal with DH anxiety

[MrsL1123]

Hiya!
Just looking for a bit of support really, I’m struggling angry finding life hard atm
DH has (IMO) had long term anxiety which has only recently got very very bad and the symptoms of it has made home life very hard and made him very difficult to live with. I understand it’s not his fault but I’m struggling on how to be the supportive wife ALL the time 🥴
I’m finding it hard to know how to deal with, any of u lovely lot got any advice or in the same boat?

Not angry 🙈 meant *and

There comes a point in a relationship where one partner has an MH problem, where the other partner has to act to preserve their own mental health.

My DP has cycles of depression, the last one nearly broke me. he denied he is ill, refused to seek help and was a shit to live with. I was the one who went for counselling. He finally agreed to relationship counselling and the counsellor was very good at tackling him on his situation and supportive of me having to act in defence of my own mental health.

As they say in counselling - you can't change how someone else behaves, you can only change your own behaviour. I ended up giving my DP an ultimatum - sort himself out or we're over.
the truth is over a prolonged period of time you can't be a supportive partner / spouse ALL the time. YOU also need support, especially if there are children in the mix as well.

It took me some very careful thought (which the counselling gave me space for) and some very harsh words between me and DP for things to improve. And I'll be honest with you - although things are better now, our relationship will never be the same, and not in a positive way.
I was very close to leaving, very close.

Sometimes you can't be supportive. It's like a well, if it runs dry, then there is just no more water for ANYONE, not just your DH.

Is he seeking outside help at all? If he wants that much support from you, he has to also be seeking support from professionals.

Thanks for being so honest ladies..been very tough , there is kids yes, so I’ve found myself doing everything for the kids, everything in the house as well as running a business and a 2nd job. As well as being there for him..don’t get me wrong he’s a hard worker and hasn’t let this affect him workin..he’s very very stubborn so took a lot for him to admit he needed help, he’s now just started on medication for it (on day 4) and no massive change yet but I hear it takes time to work. So I’m hopeful. I’m sympathetic to his symptoms, but find myself getting a little ratty after trying to convince him for the millionth time that there is nothing wrong with him, and his breathing and heart is absolutely fine (just one of his symptoms) I just feel like talking to people out with my day to day life might help take the load off a bit so appreciate u guys relying

And potter that first point u made is very relevant.. I’ve never suffered with mental health but finding this a huge strain on my stress levels and general thought process.. so working extra hard not to crack under the strain as well as taking on extra responsibilities to save DH getting stressed 🙈

My mother's anxiety, depression and threats to do something stupid has made me and my brother's lives a misery, the stress it's caused has affected my work, my health (stomach problems / ulcers / other stress symptoms and I look bloody awful) my relationship with DH. She refuses to take any medication.

I have phoned a few helplines like Breathing space actually for advice about how to deal her but their advice helped me too which i didn't expect. But I don't live with her thank god and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. So can't offer any advice but I sympathise a lot. It is bloody hard and people forget how loved ones are affected too.

Yeah I think your right and certainly not trying to take the focus away from him and the fact that he obviously needs the help/medication. But hard for me dealing with it and living with it and taking on all the extra crap to save him dealing with it. I'm hoping his medication kicks in soon and start to see some improvement..also have the doctors end of the month with him to review the medication and see how it's working for him. So fingers crossed. Hope things with ur mum get better soon. He initially refused all medication so I know how frustrating that can be..

Thank you. I'd felt so guilty about not jumping to go and see her when she had her weekly crisis (and my brother got it worse as he was nearby) and everyone asks, aw, hows your mum? And I'd just think: have you noticed that my hair's falling out, I look like crap and I've not been out with you for months? Do I not matter too?

But it's not about taking the focus away from anyone, you have a right to a decent life! That was one of the most useful things that I got from those helplines and it did make me feel better about just disengaging from the drama sometimes. Although how you achieve it when you live with someone I have no idea so my heart goes out to you. Its good he has started taking something but yes it does take a while to work from what I believe. Mother started taking something but then stopped after 5 days because she didn't think it was working. I could have cried. make sure he sticks at it! If your in Scotland do try phoning Breathing Space.

I'm pleased for you that he has acknowledged he needs help and is seeking it as well - that's all to the good. And you have a time scale to work to, that's good too.

One thing that struck me about my DP's illness and his consequent shitty behaviour was that the shitty behaviour didn't improve as his depression improved - it was as if, he had become accustomed to behaving shitty. And it was this behaviour we ultimately had nasty words about.
I would suggest at the review appointment you spell out the type of improvements you're looking for and over what timescale. He not only needs to feel better but needs to act better as well.

I understand you want to protect and care for him, reducing his exposure to stress but you can only do that for so long before you become worn down and then the whole family is under threat. He needs to find the reasons for his stress and act to reduce / solve those causes. I saw my DP's shitty behaviour as selfish and disrespectful to me - he expected me to be unquestioningly, totally and eternally supportive. I had to tell him I couldn't be that person for ever as my mental health was suffering too. In effect I was having treatment for his depression. I know what I say sounds harsh - it is, but I had to act to save my health so I could care for my DD, as he was in no position to do so.

He has made a good start and getting well will take work on his part.

dpotter what you say about In effect I was having treatment for his depression

that is so true, I'd never thought of it that way before

Aw that sounds tough, hope your managing to deal with things a bit better now..
Sounds selfish in your head doesn't it, but I know exactly what u mean about people asking about u..
Yeah I am Scotland actually, never heard of breathing space, so might give it a try..
I think had my DH got help a long long time ago things wouldn't have escalated to be as bad as they are now, but nothing I can do about it now, just got to deal with it as it comes..

dpotter
Yeah I'm totally aware that I can't do this forever, in my mind it's only till he gets a little better, which I'm hoping is soon. If these pills haven't made some kind of difference by the review appointment then I will be making my views very clear that something else needs to be tried not only for his sake but mine too.
He's not a bad man, I love him very much, and just want my husband back 😢 he's so not like himself just now and I know it's not his fault, I just hope like you say, the shitty behaviour doesn't stay as I'm not the type of person to put up with this long term.
Hope things are ok now for ur DH, I really do appreciate the advice and am very glad I posted on here, was expecting to get bashed for having these kinds of feelings, so very relieved 🙈

No bashing from me.

In effect I was having treatment for his depression
This came about during a session with the counsellor I saw - she asked if I thought I was depressed as well as DP and it was a light bulb moment - why am I here having counselling for someone else's depression ?
I'm sure my experience is not uncommon, although I am sure it's widely unacknowledged. People feel ashamed they can't shoulder the burden. I started to feel better when I started sharing what was going on: I kept things secret from others as I felt it was his story to tell, but when I realised I was a gnat's whisker away from needing ADs myself, I decided it was my story too and I shared - he was not happy about that.

Things are so much better but they will never be the same. As I said before his depression comes in cycles and I am hyper vigilant now about his moods. But he still doesn't acknowledge he has had depression - your DH has accepted he needs help. Believe me - that is such a good thing