I think it was a whole combination of things that got me through it. I was very fixated on not being able to sleep. I was given a course of sleeping tablets and would take one and then do a relaxation exercise cd in bed. Trying to think of the positives so if I kept waking in the night I would remind myself that this meant I had managed to fall asleep etc. Also reminding myself that it was not the end of the world if I didn't get a good night's sleep. Yes I would feel rubbish, but I was feeling rubbish anyway, so that kind of took the pressure off.
I made lots of plans so that I was getting out the house once every day. Preferably meeting people or doing something where you had to concentrate as this stopped me constantly worrying round and round in my own head. Even just phoning someone for a chat. I called lots of people I hadn't talked to for ages and Spewed out how I was feeling.
Eating was also a big trigger for me. The anxiety made me vomit and I would struggle to keep food down until well into the afternoon / evening. Over time I found things that I could stomach slightly better like yogurt so I made sure I at least ate a yogurt by say 2pm and then I could have a small meal at tea time and another small meal later in the evening so could reassure myself was eating a reasonable amount of food to keep me physically healthy and be able to feed my son.
Getting back to doing things for ME helped too. I got someone to look after the baby twice a week for an hour so I could go back to a sports group I used to take part in. The exercise helped as did talking to different people and distracting my brain.
I also was not keen to go on meds, but did I the end. I am not sure how much effect they had. I like to believe they made no difference and I just got myself through it, but they probably did make a difference. At the very least taking them made me feel I was being proactive and doing all I could to get better and I hung on to the fact that although they take a few weeks to kick in, every day that was getting one step closer. They
During most relapses I have either increased dose or changed meds, although a few years ago I just stayed on the same and did gradually get better.
As the days passed I began to notice I was getting a little bit more sleep and feeling a little less anxious. There was usually a point in the day where I felt back to "normal" and this gradually became earlier in the day. My physical symptoms like vomiting began to gradually decrease too. Once I could see a gradual pattern of improvement this had a sort of snowball effect as I began to believe I was starting to get better although There were still bumps on the way. Finally I felt normal again all the time.
I have had several relapses but they have generally been shorter and less severe as I have been better able to deal with them. The relapses tend to come during long breaks in my work (school holidays) and getting back into the work routine and having other things to think about definitely helps a lot.
I found cbt quite helpful to counteract negative thinking, like "i am ALWAYS going to feel like this", " I'm struggling to get to sleep, it MUST be a relpase" and have a small reserve of sleeping tablets and diazapam from the doc I can take for a day or two if I spot myself wobbling.
I am trying to look on the positive that I stayed well longer this time and take proactive steps to help me for the future.
I am on a waiting list for counselling to try and deal with some underlying factors like low confidence and self esteem. I am trying to remind myself of cbt I found helpful. I am planning to reconnect with one or two old friends as I realise I have isolated myself over the last few years.
I could not have written anything so positive a few days a go, so even writing this is helping me to realise I am having a better and things are slowly in the up.
Actually, today is significantly better and I am wondering if it could be related to having an exceptionally hard session at my sports group yesterday. I have been back at the group for a few weeks but was too scared to really push myself because of my poor eating over the past few weeks and often feeling weak, light-headed etc.
I also think hormones are definitely at least partly to blame and think I could be at the beginning of peri-menopause. This relapse started like the worst PMT I have ever experienced!
I too felt suicidal/ wanted to run away from my life, even probably during the first few relapses as in the moment even though my logical brain said "you've come through this before" it was very hard to believe that or find any conform in that all.
Also, just try to be as kind to yourself as you can. I think it is very very common to feel guilt about not enjoying your new baby. I was so excited to be pregnant and to become a mum. I felt awful and hated my whole entire pregnancy, when I thought I was supposed to be "glowing" and life with a newborn was sooo hard. All around me I saw happy mums putting cute pics on Facebook living the dream.
I think in reality most people have a really tough time with a new baby, but they just hide it well. I now try to be honest about my experiences so others know they are not alone. I SURVIVED the early months of motherhood. I found things just got slightly easier as each few weeks / months passed.
Anyway, I hope that I have managed to answer a few of your questions.
Please please try and have hope. It will get better. You will get better . Your sleep will improve. Ask for and take as much help as you can get and don't feel bed about that.
Let me know how you get on.
Sending hugs.