Had to cancel on friend due to MH, now feeling so guilty

[Cosythechameleon]

I was diagnosed with PND and PTSD about a year ago. I had therapy which was helpful but that's now finished and I thought I had turned a corner. Have felt much better for a couple of months now, back to working part time as a Teacher, all good or so I thought.

I started to feel low and anxious again about a week or so ago (which I put down to lack of sleep as DS is teething, thought maybe I was just hormonal or something) but it was manageable. Until today.

I woke up this morning feeling so miserable and hopeless. I feel panicky, constant intrusive thoughts that something terrible is going to happen to the kids. I haven't stopped crying since I woke up this morning. I haven't felt this way for about three months and it's so upsetting to think I might be going back to square one. I have made an appointment with my GP, not sure what I'm even expecting them to do but just felt like I needed to do something!

Anyway, I was supposed to be going out with a friend tonight. It's a pre-booked event, a sort of show but with lots of audience participation and a bit unpredictable, not the sort of thing where you can just sit and watch, and everyone will be drinking which I don't think would be good for me right now. I just can't do it. The thought of being in a crowd, with all that going on is too much and I honestly don't think I could get through it without having a panic attack or bursting into tears which would be humiliating in front of a load of strangers.

I thought about making up an excuse but then decided to just be completely honest so I text my friend a couple of hours ago and told her the truth. I apologised to her for being a rubbish friend and ruining her evening and told her I'd find a way to make it up to her. She hasn't responded. I'm worried about what she'll be thinking. It's not the sort of thing you'd go to on your own so I've basically ruined her plans unless she can find someone else to go with her. I just feel so guilty and like all I do is let people down. I'm now thinking I should have been able to pull myself together and just get through the evening rather than ruining things for someone else.

I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm expecting from this thread really. I just feel so shit.

Firstly, don't be disheartened, recovery from mental health issues is not linear, you might well go backwards and forwards a few times before you feel truly recovered. It doesn't mean you're back at square one, it's just a bump on the road to recovery. They happen, you're recognising it and dealing with it, just try not to let it overwhelm you.

You've done all the right things, including seeking help from your GP and telling your friend honestly why you can't go (which incidentally I think is really brave, and something you should be proud of). If this person is a kind and decent person and someone you want to keep as a friend, they will be absolutely fine, grateful that you've been able to be honest, and only worried about you and your well being - if my friend told me they were feeling as you are, I would be looking for ways to help and encouraging them to take care of themselves and not worry about anything else.

If they respond negatively then you might want to consider whether they are really as good a friend as you thought, but try not to give it too much mental energy. Focus on yourself and feeling better.

I'm sorry your feeling so shit.

Please don't feel bad about missing the event tonight. Whilst I appreciate that you feel that you have left your friend etc, your mental well health should be prioritised. You wouldn't go to the event with the flu, so why should you force yourself to go given how you feel mentally and emotionally at this current time. You've articulated very clearly why going would not be a good idea for you right now.

There are many reasons your friend might not have replied (could be manic at work, might not have read it, might want to compose a sensitive reply to you and isn't sure what to say etc) I know it's easy to think of the bad things given where your head is at but there are lots of rational options too.

Be kind to yourself, you've made positive steps to deal with the situation by making an appointment with your GP x

Thank you both.
I doubt friend will respond negatively, even if she's feeling negatively- she's the sort of person you very rarely hear say a bad word about anyone. I think that's what's upsetting me so much, she's the type to always put others first and I've let her down because I'm putting myself first on this occasion. She still hasn't responded and I'm worried it's because she's annoyed but just doesn't want to express it as that's not in her nature.

Allow her her own response as well. Maybe she's taking time to compose a calm reply. Is there anyone you both know that you could offer your ticket to?
Agree that if it was flu you'd cancel so this should be the same. You're not well.

We only really have one mutual friend and she's out of the country at the moment. Friend has lots of other friends from her work, mums from her DC's school etc though so hoping she'll be able to find someone to go with her.