Hit with it every night

[AnnieLee90]

Every night once kids are in bed I just get hit with this wave of depression. I can't be bothered to do anything clean the house. I just sit there with the clock ticking hating myself and my life. So I think I will just go to bed. But then I can't sleep. I end up up all night obsessing on how to fix my problems still not cleaning the bloody house. Then inevitably I'm too tired to do anything about anything the next day either and it just gets worse the next night --and I still don't clean the fucking house.

At the moment I'm obsessed that if my house was clean and tidy I'd feel better. But I'm not sure it's true. Actually I'm not sure how to fix it at all. It's not all the time, but every day for about an hour I feel so depressed, it's horrible.

You would feel better...but when you're depressed, even washing up seems like a huge task.

What about the rest of your life? Are you working? Do you have a partner or family nearby?

@BillHadersNewWife

Honestly everything in my life is a disaster except for my kids and I feel like they deserve better than me. I keep striving to do better, but everything just gets worse. I left my abusive ex but life did not get better, it got harder

There's so many reasons I 'should' be depressed, but those things are not what's upsetting me. I just want to be better than i am.

I know I probably need some serious help but I can't get it so I just push it all down, and I do what I can to be the best mum I can be but once they're asleep it's like a get hit with it all at once.

It's not like waves of melancholic depression, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. And then I have to find a way to get to bed and I can't even think how to do it. It's like I don't even know how to put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth and get under the covers. It's all beyond me