Fighting disordered eating feelings. *trigger warning*

[soulmakossa]

Just hoping for some advice on continuing to fight disordered eating successfully as I’m really struggling with feelings of needing to control what’s going in and out at the minute.
I really struggled for a while with a variety of disordered eating patterns last year into the first half of this year. Not for the first time but the most recent and probably most drastic. I lost around 5 stones very fast and started ebbing into the underweight bmi. I sought help and turned it around and honestly haven’t engaged in these patterns for around 6 months now. It included restricting calories drastically and going vegan to restrict more around others and have foods I wasn’t allowed on my own list, becoming obsessed with exercise, taking many laxatives sometimes a few times a week but became almost daily at points and progressed to diuretics too. It also progressed to vomiting aswell so I don’t really know what it all was but it wasn’t healthy.
I was in a very unhappy place mentally myself and a few years into a toxic relationship and I think that was my way of dealing with it all.
I’m now in a much happier place mentally and out of the relationship and attending counselling but I am really having to fight cutting calories or going on ‘a diet’ as I know where it will lead and fast and I also am very much fighting the urge to take laxatives and I don’t know why?
The only reason I can think of would be that financially this will be a difficult month but it’s a means to an end of working hard to pay off a lot of debt and then there is such a huge relief from it all as of next month but maybe it’s my way of dealing with feeling out of control financially?
Other than that I really can’t figure out why I’m feeling like this. I can’t explain the need but it’s like needing a cigarette when you’re trying to quit smoking, sometimes easier sometimes harder. It’s almost like I miss it all and it being there for me?!
I know it sounds very addict like but it’s like a drinker saying “I’ll just have one” my mind tells me “I suppose I could just loose one stone” or “I could take laxatives just once a week” but for the first part it will never be just one stone and as for the laxatives I’m fully aware that that’s just bloody stupid!
It just feels so hard to stay away from it all at the moment and I don’t know why.
Maybe the idea of all the food at Christmas is scaring me I don’t know but I’ve not worried about eating treats ect for months!
Sorry for the ramble but it feels better to get it out and written down.

Hi, I'm really sorry you feel this way. Eating disorders are hard to control and you have done so well. You're having counselling which is great and it sounds as though you are in a much better place. You just have to be kind to yourself as it's a long road and you're going to occasionally experience bumps.

There's an organisation called Beat which has a helpline 0808 801 0677 and you might find it helpful having a chat with them about your struggle. Do you journal? It might help to get all this out, write it down. Doesn't matter if it's gibberish as no one is going to read it.

You can also try mindfulness. www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mindfulness/ which helps you to ground yourself so that you can notice how you're feeling more. For example, the reason you're having these compulsions might be because you're feeling anxious and it's a way of controlling the anxiety (I have no idea if that's the case). Mindfulness helps you notice these feelings instead of simply acting on them. The website above gives you links and information on doing courses.

Thank you for the advice!
I am proud of how I’ve managed to control it but I feel like I’m letting myself down having these feelings at the moment.
It always used to be something that helped me (I know that might sound odd) in times of depression and anxiety and it bought a sense of calm and control to a hectic and uncertain daily life but I really don’t feel so out of control anymore. I am finally getting to a more stable place mentally with the counselling (I’ve done a fair bit of CBT too) and the relationship that was a huge factor in my mental health getting worse has now ended so I don’t know why I’m starting to feel like I NEED to control my calories in and out strictly again, also feeling like I need to start loosing again?!
I do find things a bit of a struggle sometimes and do struggle with depression and anxiety although I often feel like it’s something more or other than that. (I was assessed by a phycologist who said I had generalised anxiety disorder but it feels like something different I can’t really explain it.)
Maybe that’s my issue here is that I wasn’t expecting this bump.
So far on this journey of helping myself I have expected the bumps because I never really felt all that much better, not truly. But lately I have done. I’ve felt calmer and more at peace and just generally happier and more fulfilled.
The anxiety and depression works it’s way in daily but it’s getting less so and I’ve had many days in the last few months where I’ve felt mostly content all day and less anxious about things I’d usually feel anxious about. The happiness has been working it’s way in daily too and I wonder if maybe I just wasn’t expecting these feelings to re-surface.

I called beat a few times when things were at their worst and they were fantastic. I wouldn’t feel right calling them now though as outwardly I am fine now. I understand that’s not how it works but I would feel that I’d be wasting their time when somebody in a place of more need could be making use of that call.
I love writing, really love it so maybe I will get back to that. I wrote some really depressing stuff last time I journaled and then got scared about it being seen so I would rip it up and throw it away but it definitely helps to get things out onto paper.
Thank you for the link, mindfulness is great and we worked on that during CBT but I’m not that good at it. Or at least I wasn’t at the time but maybe I need to re-visit it and give it another go! I will definitely have a look.
I think I am feeling slightly anxious about finances this month and also my routine has been different due to having a week off and different (later) bedtimes and waking up times. I know it’s strange that these things throw me off but they do. I like to know what’s happening and when and have a routine for it all. Not that it has to be rigid and always the same but I like to have things planned and it helps me to stick to a regular routine.
Thank you again and sorry if i’ve just rambled on. I don’t expect it’s the least bit interesting! but it’s helped to write it out and get it out loud. It actually has helped to put into perspective how I’m feeling and make me feel less like I want to act on it.

That's no problem at all. You're doing really well and you should be proud of yourself. You see how writing all this out made you feel better? That's how journaling works. If you get yourself a cheap notebook and just write like this, it just gets it all out there.

Well done for getting out of that relationship and getting help for yourself. It sounds like you're quite hard on yourself, you're not doing this 'wrong', there is no right or wrong way into recovering. Just one day at a time.

Beat are exactly the right people to be talking to when you feel like this. They are there for people recovering from eating disorders and that's what they're trained in and sometimes it just helps to talk it out with someone who understands.

Keep trying at mindfulness as I think you'd really benefit from it. It just takes practice. Make it a part of your daily routine and you won't notice you're doing it.

Have you considered medication for the anxiety? It might be an idea to have a chat with the GP to discuss your options. Other alternatives might help if that's not the route you want to take: massage, exercise, acupuncture, vitamin supplements. It's worth researching and trying to find what works for you.

You might want to read up on ASD in women, OP.

Thank you again @12345kbm. I think I will start journaling again. When I was younger I used to write a daily diary but had it read through multiple times by a family member and their friend and used against me in a verbally abusive way and it really put me off.
I now feel safe to write and keep my own journal so it’s definitely something I will try again.
Thank you. I’m still confused about allot of it, not sure if it was my fault things were the way they were, ex partners, a mixture of both or we were just incompatible but whatever it was I’m now feeling so much better about things, about life and I feel like I can breathe again and not live in a state of constant anxiety and overthinking about the whole thing. It’s sad because I was in love and I think a part of me will always love ex partner but it really didn’t work and it didn’t make either of us happy in the end.
I am hard on myself I know, my counsellor tells me this and so did my CBT therapist. I have always been this way and it’s hard to un-learn it but I am trying.
I will think about calling if it gets too intense, thank you but I do feel like it’s a waste of their time and resources.
I will definitely try mindfulness again too.
I’ve always been very anti medication (not exactly sure why) but I truly honestly don’t think it’s needed right now anyway. I have worked through the worst and if I look back to where I was this time last year I have come so far mentally and really do feel so much stronger. I will look into other alternatives though, thank you. I particularly like the suggestion of massage. I really enjoy deep pressure (to the point of painful for others) and it makes me feel very relaxed so I will look into that.
My counsellor I see is currently is with the NHS but suggested that I should invest in long term private counselling when I can get no more with the NHS and thinks it will really benefit me and I’m inclined to agree. I just have set rules for my money which cover everything for my DC so they are healthy, happy and don’t go without.

@cailleach why do you say that? I’m not being defensive I’m just wondering as yes, I have regularly thought that I may be on the spectrum. I have 2 DC one diagnosed with ADHD with ASD traits and one who I believe is very high functioning ASD and would be classed aspergers if it was still diagnosed. Many other people feel like this about him too but he gets on so well that diagnosis hasn’t needed to be looked into.
I believe there is also ASD in the family and a good friend of mine and her DC are also on the spectrum and she said she sees it in me too. The problem is I had a very unstable upbringing and there was allot of emotional and sometimes physical abuse so I panic that there’s just something wrong with me caused by that and I’d never dare suggest how I feel about ASD as I fear that I’d just be laughed at for it. I’ve done online tests for it and they always tell me I score very high and am very likely to be on the spectrum but maybe that’s just anxiety and past stuff being carried around I don’t know.

Looking into other reasons I may be feeling overwhelmed actually I have recently (around a month ago) started a new job and I get to points most days where I feel (and I know this is a silly phrase that makes no sense but I need to emphasise...) overwhelmingly overwhelmed. It’s something I want so much though and feel like I’m actually suited to which I don’t feel about much else other than being a mum and the hobbies we all have at home so it’s huge to me and so I bury it inwardly and get past it until I can spend some time alone on the way to collect DC to re-coup. I love it but the inward struggle is huge when it hits. I don’t think anyone else notices, they all seem so lovely and have said really nice things to me including how well I’m doing which is so kind.

I struggle with needing allot of down time and now I do get it which I love but then I feel so guilty for it. (Downtime includes my DC by the way, I do like a bit of evening time but generally I mostly enjoy doing things as a family that the 3 of us enjoy all together) and i do have some time every week entirely to myself while DC are at school for counselling and something I enjoy or just to relax at home. I do hugely push myself to socialise though, mostly for my DCs sake but also because the friends I do have are really great people and we’re very lucky to have them.

I struggle with too much interaction and reach a point of burnout where I just need to retreat again for a while but I think I have a good balance right now.

Sorry I’m rambling! I need a journal! 😂 I’m feeling surprisingly uplifted by talking about all this actually. It feels good to get it out! I thought I was being completely open with my counsellor but maybe there are more things that we need to talk about so I can fully work through and understand them.

My counsellor and me had spoken about the fact that it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply and I suppose that sums it all up!

I don't know anything about ASD so can't help with that but it might be worth getting checked out if that will help.

Asian massage might be exactly what you are looking for then as they are very tough. Chinese and Thai in particular. It's treated as a kind of therapy so it might really suit you.

I'm really sorry to hear that someone took and read your diary. That's a terrible violation and I completely understand how you'd be cautious about journaling. One way around that is to journal and then shred what you've written. The only purpose is to just 'get it out there' so it's not buzzing around your head. Shredding it might be quite therapeutic.

People on a low income (I obviously have no idea about yours) can get cheap therapy at an organisation called Anxiety UK. I'm sure there are others if you ask around, some specifically for eating disorders and others for anxiety.

You really sound as though you are trying to help yourself and are moving forward to a good place. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship but it happens to the best of us. All we can do is learn from it and move on.

Thank you again @12345kbm. I don’t think I’d have the guts to talk to anyone about it if I’m being honest. Mostly for fear of being told I’m being stupid I suppose.
I will definitely look into the massage, that would be so fantastic!
That’s ok, it was a long time ago and I do feel very safe keeping my writing to myself now although I do have a shredder so I could do that.
I have a few pieces I’ve written over the last few years that I stored away In hiding places but generally I haven’t kept much of it.
I have a poem actually that I wrote when I was really struggling with the disordered eating. I’d saved it as a note on my phone. I’d like to share that on here.

It’s...

Chewing and spitting,
Self induced shitting,
I’m down 30 lbs now I thought you’d be pleased,
You said that would be fine but you lied and deceived.
You can still cook for others, your cooking is great,
But if they ask if you’re joining them you tell them you ate.
You still need to eat - just enough to get by,
I’ll keep you in turmoil but not let you die.
You’re causing me mental and physical pain,
Pouring over my brain like an acid rain,
Fitting in clothes sized extra small?
The shops have sized them wrong that’s all,
Was 68 calories but we’ll round it up,
We’ll call it 100 so we don’t fuck up.
Shit I’ve gone over by at least 48!
We’ll just stick to 300 for the next two days.
Amazing, now you have a real excuse,
You’ve had dental work, it’s ok to refuse.
My teeth have been damaged by throwing up,
When will I learn that enough is enough?
But I see my ribs, I see my hips
My collar bones, You’re loving this.
Now I’m down by forty two,
I thought surely that’d be enough for you?
But you lied when you told me that I’d be happy,
Now I’m weak and tired, and my teeth are gappy.
I stopped with the lax because I was scared for my heart,
So you made me throw up, fuck, I thought I was smart.
I’m an adult mum with children that need me,
But you won’t let my brain or my body feed me.
I thought down by 3 stone you’d be satisfied,
But you wouldn’t be happy unless I wasted and died.
So I’ll make a pact, I’ll loose one more,
But please let it stop there and walk out the door.
Back on the lax but just for a while,
Restricting so much does that make you smile?
I’m trying so hard to get to my goal,
Then I’ll stop and eat more before it takes a real toll.
Watching videos of people eat,
I won’t eat fats, or dairy or meat.
I promise I’ll try and do my best,
I’ll loose this bit more and then we can rest.
It’s not enough, it’s taking too long,
Everything that you’re eating is totally wrong.
11 more pounds and will I really be there?
I’ve found myself help, I’m ready to share.
I’ll be small enough for you, I’ll be “underweight”,
Thank god I can stop there and just maintain.
I feel like you’re trying to take over my mind,
You were supposed to be there for me, supposed to be kind.
I don’t want to be sick I don’t want to get there,
You’ve turned into a literal controlling nightmare.
A 5k run at least 3 times a week,
And your diet could do with a few more tweaks.
Start writing it down, start planning ahead,
It’s not enough anymore to keep track in your head.
We’re slipping and going over our limit,
I feel like your heart is not really in it.
You’re letting us down and you’re going to get fat,
A failure a loser do you really want that?!
No one else cares the way that I do,
They are there for themselves but I’m here for you.
You do whatever you can to help me stay yours,
Because if it was down to others I’d be shown out the door.
But you are stronger, you know how I’m here,
You know how I help you take away all your fears.
But you don’t! You just bring my life more struggle,
I want to be strong without feeling all muddled.
Is my life really shit or are you just taking it all?
Are you helping me cope or watching me fall?
I’m so confused I don’t know what to do,
I want you to leave but I can’t see it through.
I try so hard, I’m trying and trying,
But you tell me things that make me feel like dying.
That I’m vile and disgusting and it wraps around like a glove,
That nobody likes me, I’m unworthy
of love.
That all of the efforts I make to be strong,
Are basically nothing because I’m just made wrong.
That everything I touch will just turn to shit,
Because I’m me but you’ll help all of this.
So please just go away and don’t keep on,
I need to work on myself and get strong.
I need to get better and forget about you,
About this, about us, about all that you do.

Thank you SO much for the advice on anxiety UK, yes I have a low enough income to qualify for some help here and I think I will take this up after discussing it with my current counsellor! This may well be the best advice I’ve received to help myself long term!
I really am and have been working so hard on my mental health and I truly am starting to feel and see such huge benefits I think this bump has just scared me because I don’t want to go back there ever again!
Yes it does and ultimately it was a chance to grow as a person so I am glad that it happened and I am now in a better place.

I'm just glad to have helped. I know you're struggling and I really hope you're feeling a little better.

You have a wonderful way with rhythm and your poem is great. I really appreciate you sharing it as I know how hard that is. It's very brave of you.

I'm glad you're going to get long term therapy with Anxiety UK. I hope it goes well for you.