Coming to terms with a dim future and life missed out on from trauma.

[Kristallen]

Wondering how anybody else has dealt with this.

I have CPTSD. I've done two years of EMDR which has helped reducing some major flashbacks and probably a good two more to do, unless I suddenly speed up.

The trauma is from birth and is physical and emotional. I'm 40. I've spent years in therapy before this with varying success. It has helped me understand things that happened and place them in a context, helped me look at them differently, but hasn't changed the reality.

When I turned 40, I realised that this is it. I can alleviate the worst symptoms but I can't change the impact they've had. I've lost friends, lost out on work/career opportunities, chosen the wrong man to marry and lost years to that too.

I always thought that there would be an "after", that I would do the therapies, try hard and I could end up sort of healed and able to live a life like my untraumatised friends. It's simply not going to happen. My "after" is a life that is dull in comparison to the shiny one I thought I could have - which was not perfect, just able to achieve my potential and have solid relationships.

It's not going to happen. I'm too broken to make up what I've lost and too much time has passed anyway. But I've still, sadly, probably got about another 40 years to fill.

How to I come to accept that this is it? I'll never be able to have the career I wanted that all my uni peers (they're more like distant friends now because I can't maintain social contacts properly) have? I'll never have the relationships they have because I just can't trust people enough. It doesn't matter how hard I work on reducing the trauma, because there's so much to do and so little time to get it done then build up friendships that last over a long long period - like from childhood or uni? I truly believed I was just like my friends at uni, just with some issues I had to work on to resolve. But it's not true. I'm not like them. They're not damaged, nobody hurt them so spectacularly over such a long time, so they get to have a more straightforward life, achieving from hard work, and yes, having adversities, but ones they have people close to them who support them in different ways, even if they don't realise it (which they usually don't) and ones they work through and get over.

Has anybody else hit this point and what made it bearable?

I should say that I have some activities that bring moments of happiness but they're only that - moments. At the end of every day I can't run away, my life is what it is.

I'm really really struggling. I have kids so I'm trapped into staying alive for them and there's no changing that, I will never do something that would cause them life long pain. But if they weren't here I'd see absolutely no point in carrying on with this charade of living.

Sorry this is so long. Well done if you've arrived at this point. Have some and for refreshment!

I could have written a lot of your post. A lot of it.

The way I've started to see things lately is that I'm doing myself a disservice by trying to force myself into the same mould as untraumatised people who've lived lives and had experiences and opportunities so alien from me.

So rather it's about making this world accessible to me as the person I actually am because of my trauma, not trying to conform to what (privileged) untraumatised people set as default and then beating myself up because I can't. Feeling like a failure because I can't get rid of enough of my trauma to function like they can.

For example, instead of being unable to access certain activities or parts of healthcare because my trauma means I can't cope with certain things, asking for reasonable adjustments to be made so that things are done differently from usual in ways I CAN cope with means I get to participate/access healthcare.

The first time I had that experience - of adjustments being made for me - and finding the outcome was so different (my symptoms were more manageable, I made it to the end, didn't have a meltdown, wasn't a wreck for days afterwards, etc) I suddenly realised it's not that I'm a failure or too broken for this world, it's that this world sometimes needs tweaking to be accessible to people like me and you. It was built for untraumatised people so doesn't meet our needs.

You are considered disabled under the Equality Act which means institutions, employers etc have a duty to make reasonable adjustments for you, but you can tweak things in life more widely too. I appreciate this might sound a bit shit compared to how you're feeling, but it might make a difference.

I think the "recovery model" has a lot to answer for in terms of creating this sense that it's all down to us to conform to the expectations of the untraumatised and that if we somehow cannot get to that position we've given up or haven't tried hard enough or haven't taken responsibility ... And it makes us feel exhausted, it makes us feel like failures, it takes away our hope because it's unattainable. And excludes us from participating in things that don't work for our needs. (Like a wheelchair user being excluded because nobody will replace stepped access with a ramp.)

Combining all the efforts you put in to cope, with support, and with adaptations being made so things are accessible to you with the difficulties you have means you can have a good quality of life that's right for you.It won't look like the lives of the untraumatised, but it doesn't have to in order to be good.

I know in saying that I would rather have my trauma taken away and not have to go through these struggles and navigate this stuff. It is not my first choice and I'm not saying you're wrong to be angry about the hand you've been dealt. It's shit and unfair. It makes me feel angry and despondent too. I think there is still real grief involved in this - the lives we should have been able to have -and sometimes we just have to express it.

But approaching things with a mindset of accessibility instead of desperately needing to be untraumatised in order for life to be bearable is helping me at the moment. If any of this makes sense maybe it might help you a little? (If not, ignore me.)

That might have been too vague to make sense.

Stop comparing yourself to other people, first off. The thing is, everyone has their own shit to deal with and nobody other than themselves really has a clue about it. Janet down the road may have a high flying career and two perfect children, but she could be coping with the stress by binge eating and purging. Diane looks like she has the perfect family and is the epitome of amazing PTA involved stay at home mum, but really she's horribly depressed and resents the responsibility of parenthood.

I have trauma in my past and felt like you did for along time. I felt robbed of my potential and the life I wanted for myself. I somehow learned to accept that bad things happened to me and that that was that. It wasn't OK that it happened, but it did, and I was left with the pain. Accepting your limitations is something everyone has to do at some point, albeit some are more limited than others, and making the best of what you've got is essential to being content.

Wishing I could be 'normal' and function like everyone else just lead to breakdown after breakdown after breakdown as I couldn't let go of the image of the life that others appeared to have, and which I envied so much. Now I've learned to accept that my life can be a good one, even if it does look different from the one I once wanted. I get overwhelmed easily, have social anxiety, depression, can only work part time and am on PIP. I'm also autistic. How much of my MH problems are due to the childhood abuse and how much is due to the autism? I have no idea, but life is so much easier now I've let go of the grief from the trauma and accepted my limits.

I hope you can come to terms with your sense of loss. It's an awful place to be and I'm sorry you're in pain

Wow, your question is a huge one and I don't think I can write a reply that will make sense because I certainly don't have an answer as such, as this isn't a linear progression for me. But at this point I would say that I have had to acknowledge the pain, where it came from, how it has shaped me, what I have gone on to do from that damaged self and how that has impacted myself and others, how I am translating that on to my children and other relationships, do I want to translate that on to my children, would my children be better off without me (I mostly believe that they wouldn't now), and I guess now it is, do I want the past to continue defining the present. Because, like someone else said, we all carry shit from our past, in a variety of ways we all have baggage. No one is immune from that. It is bloody hard to look at it in the way you have clearly done so give yourself a break to acknowledge the work you have done on yourself, grieve the life that you may not lead, let go of the comparison to others as you really have no idea why they are the people they are today, breathe, be as compassionate as you can be, and try and move on. None of us know how our lives will look in the future. Your assumption that you have another 40 years of the same is, in the nicest possible way, wrong. You have no idea what is coming. I'm not being vague and mysterious in saying that, that's true for every single one of us. It's our mental illness tells us that we know everything and we can predict the future. But it's wrong.

I think you’ve had some really great reply’s already. @unfathomablefathoms put it really well.

I think you have to make an effort to fill life with things you can do, that make you smile.

I have a chronic condition from a car accident. I too thought I’d ‘get better’ but I didn’t and thats okay. And that sentence is actually quite hard to write, but it’s good that you’re at a point where you’ve realised that you need to make the best of things and let go of the day dream of how you expected life to go.

I still get annoyed when everyone else is doing things I could never do. I can’t do as much so I’ve really had to steam line my life which is good thing! I’m really quite proud of moments where things were so bad but I still managed to do something. There was a time I made it across London to an airport when I didn’t really think I could get out of bed. I hang onto these memories, because if I could do that then I can probably do whatever I’m currently struggling with.

One thing that always used to catch me out was putting thing off ‘till tomorrow’ and then tomorrow would come and I might have a massive flare up and be unable to do anything. Now I didn’t put things off because you never know how tomorrow will be so I make the most of today. That way I feel less bad when I do have to step away from everything.

@MattBerrysHair also makes an excellent point that you really don’t know what everyone else is dealing with. Any other thing I tell myself is ‘everyone’s got something’.

I hope that’s helpful!

Unfathomable - it makes perfect sense and is a lovely, kind, supportive post.

I don't have anything nearly as supportive to say but try not to compare yourself to other people too much. You don't know what issues people are carrying around with them. I can stand in a queue looking completely serene on the outside but inside, I'm having a total meltdown. Also, I have reconciled myself to the fact that life isn't about being constantly happy but enjoying the brief and fleeting moments of happiness. I also try hard to live in the moment......to enjoy a lovely warm day or a gorgeous meal with a friend. That sounds so trite written down and a really low bar but it works for me.

Thanks @unfathomablefathoms that was a really compassionate response. I have made adjustments and things in certain difficult settings, and it helps like you say, but it doesn't take away the feeling that I'm inadequate. I can't handle things most other people can (and as the world is set up for the majority, I think that's a fair assumption). And it just makes me feel pathetic.

I think the "recovery model" has a lot to answer for in terms of creating this sense that it's all down to us to conform to the expectations of the untraumatised and that if we somehow cannot get to that position we've given up or haven't tried hard enough or haven't taken responsibility ... And it makes us feel exhausted, it makes us feel like failures, it takes away our hope because it's unattainable. This 100% and I guess that's exactly where my problem is right now. I've lost all hope. This is as good as it gets.

To whoever said I may not have 40 years left, you're right. I hope and would pray (were I religious) that I do for my kids' sake, but for my own, the sooner this is over the better.

Thanks for your posts.

When I'm struggling with MH I really find it helps to live a day at a time - I don't think about the future because it's too overwhelming. I get up and think about just that day. Try and do some productive things and something that I enjoy. Get through it until bedtime and that's it. The next day will be the same but I never think beyond the end of the day unless I have to.

Wooly didn't mean you might not have 40 years left......she meant that you might not have 40 years left of feeling the same way and that things may start to improve for you or pan out in unexpected ways.

The thing about not making comparisons or that we don't know what other people are going through I totally get - few people know what I've written up there, to everyone else, I look like someone who has a great life. The people I compare myself to are people I guess who I thought were like me, or I was like them, minus the trauma part. They've all got somewhere in life now and I haven't. None of them have had everything easy, every single one has had something traumatic happen, but it's been a) a one off event and/or b) they've had a good number of family and friends supporting them through it..and they came out the other side. It was tough and very painful, but they got there. There is no other side for me and when I look at them I'm happy for them that things are going well now, I just feel stupid for ever thinking I could have the opportunity to make something of my life.

For strangers, my default position has always been to assume I'm no different to everybody else, and therefore, everybody else has my background too. I thought until a few years ago that my experience was the norm, it was just that people didn't talk about it....

If I let go of the idea that I can do something good with my life, achieve things I've dreamed of achieving, I lose everything apart from my kids. My only reason for getting through many days has been that if I just keep moving, even one foot in front is better than none. If I just keep on going, keep on trying I can get there. And 'there' was to live without a pain that I can't even properly describe. But that place isn't for me. I've lived with trauma or it's impact as a daily experience for 40 years and it's not about to go anywhere.

People ask me how I am and I either have to lie or repeat the same crap that I'm not feeling great. With friends I don't always tell them I'm feeling crap because who wants a friend who is almost always got some shitty memory intruding in their lives? I've lost some friends because of this and my inability to socialise properly. There's all this stuff about talking about mental health problems and being open, but the reality is that most people want to be friends with fun and funny people. I make a real effort to engage that side of me, but it's absolutely exhausting.

I think I would laugh a lot more too if I came home to someone who actually cared about me and could show it. Just that would make a world of difference. Or to have a family that asks how I am, rather than tell me my memories are wrong (cos, you know, flashbacks are entirely voluntary events!!) and then disowns me for choosing to have such horrible memories of them.

I'm sorry, I'm moaning a bit. I'm reading your replies though.

RuggyPeg yes, maybe it'll pan out differently..but then that's what kept me going through my twenties and well, the short version of that is that it didn't, it actually got a whole lot worse. And that was made even worse by the fact that I believed things had gotten better. I think I've lost my trust in life now. One off good things can happen, but they're (very) short-lived and when they're over, everything is the same as it was before.

Sorry, just wanted to add that I know that things could be a lot worse. I am very, very lucky that I don't have some other problems and there are people living in situations that are far worse than mine. I don't usually complain about my life. I try to just get on with it without making a fuss.

I posted because I think I was hoping that someone would tell me how I could go from being me, to having the life I want, the life I thought was for me if I just worked hard enough. A way out of all this pain. I guess there really, really isn't one.

It's extra galling knowing that the people who traumatised me are living decently happy lives. It should be them going through the pain of flashbacks, nightmares and therapy sessions.

Just to re-iterate, I wasn't suggesting anything about your life span, just that you have no idea how your life will look in one year, six months or even one week.
I wish there was some sort of certain path of healing that one of us could tell you, but unfortunately there isn't one, but I guess you know that anyway. As horrible as it feels right now, you are working on your healing, you are on the right path to where you want to be, although it may not look like the place you were hoping to get to. This isn't about working hard now, this is about letting go of what we thought things 'should' look like. And a lot of that, in my opinion, is about dropping comparison. So you don't have the dream life that you think your friend has...but your have your life, your experiences, your pain, your healing, your family, your children.
Those people who you believe are living decently happy lives while you are going through hell in therapy are probably not living the lives you believe they are. It's time to let go of the fantasy of that. We're all human, we're all pretty fucked up in our own ways, we deal with that in our own ways.

Alongside EMDR, my therapist has worked quite a bit with me on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy strategies. I've found it helpful as a way of accepting the difficult feelings and my situation rather than always trying to fight it away
I'm more accepting of who I am and of my 'story'.

This thread is so interesting. Thank you for starting it op.
I am nearly 40 and I'm losing hope. Ive searched for answers in books / internet/ therapies etc thinking that I can get through the other side and start living the life i ought to and be free. But now I know that's never going to happen and it makes me sad. I've lost hope.

I totally get how you feel. I feel pretty much exactly the same. Especially wrt seeing how other people's lives, like uni friends and school mum friends, seem to be on the path that you thought you'd be on too but somehow, without you even realising really, your paths diverged and you ended up in a very different place to the others.

And slowly the realisation dawns that you were never the same as the others, the untraumatised ones, it just took a very long time, in my case at least, to realise this.

I wish so much I had an answer for you about how to cope with and somehow accept and move forward positively from the place you are in now which was not due to your own actions and choices but due to the actions of others.

Your post is uncanny in how closely it describes how I've felt and am feeling now.

I don't have the time to post more now but will be back soon.

I know it's of no real help to you but you are not alone in feeling how you do and I understand so well how you can feel 'stuck' in a place and just cannot find a way through. That's where I am right now.

I find it cathartic to write letters that I don't send to the people who are to blame for my situation, it may be something you could try.

Take care, and know that you are not alone. xx

I empathise with you. I did all the right things, I thought, grammar school, Oxbridge, career, found a partner, had kids but throughout it all, on the inside I was a mess & by 40 I couldn't really function anymore, having given up work to be a SAHM. Like you, I thought everyone else had negative stuff in their lives but just dealt with it better so I was rubbish because I couldn't.

I sought external help out of desperation, if only to rule it out, & eventually after several years of dead ends I had EMDR. That, combined with meds, seems to have left me content to bimble along without all the negativity of what I could have had, could have been, what was lost, etc

I am happy to just do volunteer work whereas I "should" be a full-time professional on £60K+ using my degrees. I should have a friend or other people to socialise with beyond my partner & kids but I make do with my cats! Instead of fabulous interesting hobbies that everyone else seems to have I just about manage a crossword. I think after decades of internal torment I am content to just get through a day without crying, without struggling, wishing I was dead etc I'm just enjoying the relief.

I still think I would rather have not lived those decades, not had kids, given how tortuous it was, what was missed out on, etc Being an only child was the reason I couldn't end it before my own DC.

But...it's only been about 6mths so far! I have to assume it will stay this way & that the EMDR did its stuff with the trauma. Are you supported with meds & other counselling? Have you done all the other standard recommendations? Regular exercise (even if you don't like it), got physical health sorted out as far as possible, filled up your time with work, volunteering, learning something, joining a group, get a pet, etc It is exhausting I know.

From how you describe it (& like I felt), it can't get any worse other than going on longer so, given you are going to carry on for your DC, you might as well try any approach that could improve things. You've said that there has been a reduction in some flashbacks so that is evidence something is happening in the right direction.

You are going through a period of growth OP and this means a certain amount of letting go which is scary, but also returns us to that child-like innocence. IMO humility is the best place to start writing the future.

I find comfort in nature, learning, spiritual books.

Just wanted to also say that this thread is reminding me of a kind of surrender to how life actually is. I've found it really helpful to read, thank you. Perhaps if we weren't sold a kind of pretense of how things should be then we wouldn't find it so difficult to accept how things are.

I feel exactly the same way. Depression and so many negative life experiences has robbed me of the life I should have had and that was expected of me and now I feel like a worthless alien and a freak. Every day is painful. I dislike myself hugely. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would be here. I think every day about not being here and resent having been born.

I can't even afford therapy as it is too expensive and the nhs waiting list for even the most basic therapy is so long.

If people on this thread had EMDR on the NHS, how did you get the referral? Are you in London?

Marking place to read later.

Thank you for starting this thread OP, my therapist helped me early on to see that I need to stop trying to live a non trauma affected life. I have never known anything different. Due to childhood trauma I developed a serious Dissociative disorder which affects everything.

It feels like such a huge barrier to my life.

I'm reading all your replies. Thank you.

I've gone through cycles where I think it's hopeless and then I find hope and continue. This time feels different though. I've lost my faith. I don't mean religious, I mean everything. Previously I've looked at it all as a process, one that breaks me down to build me up stronger, one that is a spiritual path, one that rights wrongs done to me, one that will make my children's childhoods better, one that stops the cycle of trauma in my family, something hard leading me somewhere better that I am not able to understand etc, but I've run out of these. If it's supposed to make me stronger, it's not and anyway, I don't care about being stronger now. If it's supposed to be a growth process, why am I still needing more growth and the people around me, my husband for one, seem to be grown enough that they can have a smooth life? What is so wrong with me that I need to be broken down again? I mean, I already was broken to start with. And I can see the idea that I've got some pride that needs breaking here, that I should be more humble, but really the only thing I was proud of was that I was tackling this and therefore that I'd get somewhere. That was it. I am often told that I am too humble. I don't have pride in anything else and I don't pretend I do.

I've done all the things I 'should'. I've filled my life with distractions of various types - appropriate boxes ticked: study, fitness (although with health issues that's not so straightforward), I regularly attempt to see people, even when I don't feel like it. But nothing takes away the monotonous undertones of pain and what at times feels like a brain injury.

At the end of the day there's no escape from the nightmare that other people made for me.

I had LOADS of therapy before I even was ready to get married and have kids. I only had kids when I believed I'd dealt with it all and could give them a good life. I was very clear about that from about age 17: I needed to make sure I fixed myself before having children. It's like every time I have thought I've reached a good point from therapy, that life is going to be okish (note: not perfect) it goes spectacularly wrong and it turns out I hadn't dealt with everything. Long term childhood trauma appears to be the "gift" that keeps on giving. I now feel stupid to the point of humiliated for even thinking I could have managed to deal with it any of those times. And that I thought I still would.

@sadsadsad75 I'm in a country where it's fully paid for if you need longer term therapy. I couldn't afford it either.