Abusive or antisocial personality disorder?

[LittleZebraMum]

Long story! I’ve been with my OH for 5.5 years and we have one child together, I have one from a previous relationship.

BIG RAMBLE coming so hold onto your knickers please! I’ve got a lot to get out.

At first he was amazing (aren’t they all?) convinced me that I should be in a relationship with him after telling him I wanted stability and love and I could do that myself.

Over these years I’ve had a lot of shit. I wanna say abuse, but he says I bandy that word around like I want him to be abusive. This is not the case! I want a quiet life, but I think he may have been abusive.

He’s shouted, demeaned me in front of friends. Told me I’m useless, pathetic, told his colleagues horrible untruths about me to make himself look better and when I found out he said he’d slap me. He’s cheated and lied despite the fact I walked in and saw it. He’s hidden many things from me, including various apps such as using Tinder while I was next to him in bed to “see what else is out there” ooh but he didn’t make an account (because he had difficulty not remorse) so that’s ok right? Right?? He has told me in front of both children that he’ll “break my fucking wrist”. He expresses much disdain and wanting to hurt animals (I haven’t seen this though). He wants to control everything. I’ve had epilepsy the whole time and even when he caused a seizure with which I fell down the stairs he didn’t care. He’s been witnessed while I’m seizing/passed out from my heart condition picking me up by the neck of my jumper and throwing me on the sofa. He denies this. But a friend saw and it was also captured on camera. I also have some awareness when fainting and still I’d better not dare question him! “Fuck you. Cunt” is what I get all the time.
I’m disabled and my mobility is bad along with chronic fatigue, I’ve also got a herniated disc and was in hospital all of yesterday where he blames me for being left with the baby and taking my eldest to/from a club (he wouldn’t harm the kids or I wouldn’t let him). I still have to do everything. He says he has anxiety about going to work so even though I’m in chronic pain and constantly injured I have to make his (2 specific cooked) lunches (plus 3 specific snacks and a specific sandwich and drink) and if I do it wrong (which, of course is more often than actually true) it’s another hounding. I get told I do nothing when he has pushed his only limited chores onto my 11yo which was only unloading the dishwasher and taking the bin out anyway. “I work long hours” I also work but he won’t take baby, brought baby to me in work last time and I’m on a warning but also won’t let me put him in nursery. He uses my disabilities to tell me what I can and can’t do but also if I say I physically can’t do something it’s “well do you wanna be treated fucking disabled or not? Take painkillers!” Bear in mind I do EVERYTHING and stay up crying in pain. He came up at 1am to tell me for 20 minutes (bearing in mind back problems and sleeping baby next to me) how fucking useless and disgusting and messy I am.

I have no friends because of how awful he is to me and them. He blames me for the baby only settling with me because I breastfeed but I think the baby can pick up on his problem! He says he absolutely adores the baby and is very interested in gentle parenting etc but has little patience and it’s “he just wants you”. The baby adores him.

Recently after a horrible and unfounded argument in which he said I’m “damaged goods” (childhood sexual abuse and rape in adulthood) among many other things, he eventually told me he was diagnosed with Antisocial behaviour disorder before we even met. He’s been fucking hideous to me for over 5 years and he knew why? He also said that it’s incurable so he has no intention of seeking help. He took my engagement ring (obviously he had a huge and beautiful proposal that meant sweet fuck all).

Yesterday was bad. He was hissing horrible things at me in the hospital and being wonderful as soon as the staff were around. Like night and day, off like a switch. “Shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up” and then all smiles.

He said he had a history of alcohol and prescription painkiller abuse that I didn’t know about and he doesn’t now. He takes some hormonal testosterone booster for the gym which has made him worse although he won’t admit it. I was dead against it but obviously that was a week of abuse too for daring say something.

He’s been in a foul mood (worse than usual) for days but today he keeps saying he’ll kill his self. He’s been shouting and scaring the baby and doesn’t care. I said something not even inflammatory and got “ill fucking kill you too! I’ll kill you then myself. You’ll see you’ll fucking see” “I’ve got a DNAR do you wanna see it?!” And later “fuck off” (me) “why don’t you fuck off?” Ran out of patience this time. “I will I told you by the end of the week I’ll be gone and you’ll have everything you’ve ever wanted” mind you I’ve done nothing but try to help. But I haven’t loved him for a long time. He just won’t leave. He’s progressively getting worse. I don’t dare breathe for fear of abuse. Today it was “why are you fucking smiling? You’ve been smiling at your phone for a fucking hour!” I was certainly not smiling, looking up the negative effects of parents with the condition.

Is this the Antisocial Behaviour? He has a huge complex about being better than EVERYONE. But he can completely turn it off at work and around everyone but me!

Sorry that wasn’t short at all 😭 I just needed it out. Please no remarks about me being an idiot, I get that a lot. I intend to call around mental health places tomorrow but I don’t wanna risk his job and DBS. It’s my house he doesn’t live here but he’s here a lot and when we argue refuses to leave at all. I’m stuck and I’m scared and I’ve wanted out for so long.

Thank you

It's highly unlikely he has PD if he only explodes on you but that's irrelevant really:

You're his punch bag.

That's the bit that matters and the bit that needs to change. Whether he's disordered or just an asshole is really non of your concern. He's doing nothing to change it and is actively making it worse.

Please leave but carefully. This is when risk increases the most. When you take control you will feel stronger and he will be angry his punch bag is no more.

Do it. Get away. Build a life for yourself.

I spent all night reading up on aspd, how it affects the individual and partner and kids. Surely there’s a chance if they actually seek help? He could lose everything by me going to women’s aid and it won’t actually be his fault it’s the condition? But I’m not convinced he has it because he said he bets they lost the diagnosis on his records and because it’s only with me. But I refuse to put up with it equally I can’t be responsible for him losing his job being homeless or killing him self. Regardless what happens if I reach out he will never forgive me

He always expresses such hate for men who abuse women and says he’s a great big feminist!

Aw love
It doesn't matter whether he's an abuser or can't help it because of his diagnosis - this is your life. Only you know the answer but couldn't it be better without him? Remember you're not the one who needs to take on the burden of any rehabilitation that might be possible - that's his.

He is an adult.
He's had many years to take control and get help.
He's not instead he's blamed everyone else and taken it out on you.
He's not your child. Stop raising him.
You are feeding his victim mentality.

You are not a psychiatrist so stop trying to diagnose him. These kind of diagnoses come with months of in depth work with clear and defined areas of symptomology and pathology.

He might wake up and get help.
He might allow himself to play the victim his whole life.

Either way his mind and his behaviour is his responsibility not yours.

You've given him more than enough of your time.

He's brain washed you into thinking he's a victim of something he has no control over and that he can do nothing about. That's not true. It may not be his fault that he's who he is but it is his responsibility to recognise how destructive he is to others and start working on his shit.

Just as an aside I've worked with various people diagnosed with various PD and completed very in depth work with them. I lecture at conferences about it and write extensively on it. I get it. I get what he may have been through. What he may have told you. That you might sympathise but people don't change without boundaries and right now you have none and you can't put them in place other than to leave.

And surely I don’t need help or refuge if I don’t believe we’re in physical danger? It’s himself, he says he’s constantly thinking about suicide, that I don’t care and the baby is too young to notice. The crisis teams are so stretched and even for people who have attempted suicide they just cannot get help. What needs to happen realistically is I need to move with the kids and he needs to be given mental health support until he’s well enough to have contact again. But that’s a lot of resources for someone not in immediate danger.

@doublebarrellednurse I agree with all of it other than me diagnosing him, I’m going by what he has told me. He also has ptsd from being in the military tat also manifests in rage and he just won’t get help. He says horrible things about everyone and everything apart from the baby like he’s stuck in wanting to hate everything

He’s under a lot of stress in terms of work and it’s causing him to not sleep or go to the gym which makes it so much worse. If I do this he’ll lose his job, uni, future, everything he’s worked towards.

He’s also trying to turn me against my own dad so that I’ll leave him (I look after him) and move to the other end of the UK with just him and the kids. Convincing me there’s no friends or family worth staying for.

He threatened to kill you. How can you believe you aren't in physical danger?

@catismychild because he’s basically perpetually full of shit and admitted himself he says whatever nasty thing he can for a reaction. I’m so sick of it that I don’t react at all and he hates it

This is one nasty, dangerous bastard. You need to get you & the kids out of this situation.

Still can’t get through to WA

You need to speak to Refuge / Women's Aid - this is abuse/domestic violence/whatever you want to call it. Threats of violence often come right before actual violence, so don't minimise his threats.

I was pregnant with my ex & he turned from absolute charmer to violent abuser - he threatened to kill himself too, but that was to control me. I ended up in hospital 3 times with so many injuries, including broken bones, bites, strangulation, rape & sodomy. I've had to move home 3 times. This man was very dangerous & had many traits of a psychopath.

I think you are being very naive to assume he is all talk - from what you are describing, I am very concerned for your safety & the safety of your children.

Please think about the statistics for domestic abuse, its escalation, and murders. The statistics for the links between DV and child abuse. The huge red flags regarding abuse of animals.

And get help / support for any time of separation - acts of violence are much more likely when the woman is leaving.

Please stop giving regards to the effects of anything you do on his welfare, state of mind, job, housing, uni - you are not responsible for his actions, NOR are they excusable due to a MH diagnosis!!! I have a diagnosed personality disorder (not the same one), yet that 100% does not absolve me of responsibility for my actions. It might warp my THINKING, but my reaction is mine to own.

@QueenOfOversharing that’s absolutely horrendous I’m so sorry you’ve had that happen to you and I hope you’re safe now.

The last part about your reactions is incredibly helpful and makes things clearer. I’ve been trying to call for help all morning but with no luck. I considered booking a hotel for the night but he would absolutely go ballistic like last time I “took his baby away”. I’m really stuck.

Please do not pre-warn him, just do that & stay safe. I honestly cannot emphasise enough how dangerous your situation is.

Let him go ballistic. On your voicemail. Do not answer the phone or texts. Then, if he leaves abusive or threatening messages, you contact the police. At the very least, you want them to give him a 1st conduct warming under the protection from harassment act - then if he contacts you further he can be arrested. Will this enrage him? Yes. But you need to think 10 steps ahead & stay safe. Change locks at home. I would honestly suggest you do not stay in your house while you go through this.

Keep calling WA. Do not speak to him in meantime. If he turns up, call 999. He has already threatened you, and the threat of harm is very real. Please do not underestimate this!

I did some volunteer helpline work for Refuge & so know a bit more about these situations than just what I went through.

Please keep yourself & your children safe.

Please call out a locksmith and get your locks changed, and additional safety chain and so on.

Call the police on 101 and let them know that you are too scared to let him back in and scardd of his reaction that you have changed the locks.

You are right. He hates everyone, and that includes you and the baby. He could be apparently pleasant 99% of the time, but can't love you life safelt with a young baby not knowing what his other 1% might be.

I wouldn't ignore the suicide threats. Each time he makes one report it to the police, that means you have discharged your duty.

You are not responsible for him. If he needs help only he can get it. You can't help him.

Your duty is to yourself as a mum to a young baby.

It doesn't matter what was in your past, what you have is now, here and now and you have the power within you to change your life for the better.

You clearly are a very strong woman. Hold onto that and get shot of him, safely.

If you call wa and can't get through just use their message service. They will call you back when its safe to do so.

*You can't live your life safely

I’m not going to pre warn him but what if he does kill himself? He’s already told me it’s a very real threat, that he knows exactly how.

There’s a women’s charity 30 minutes from me and it’ll be physical agony to get to but it might be my only choice. Is this definitely not just normal/depressed behaviour? I don’t wanna make a fuss if nothing. I’ve looked at hotels and there’s nothing I can afford. There’s a small part of me that’s clinging on to the idea that he can be the nice person he was (albeit a fraud) and we can work but it’s not gonna happen. My dad is the only person around and he loves him!

I’m also trapped here with horrendous stress induced ibs.

He also did this before and when I went to stay at my dads (that’s now unsafe and not an option) he called the police on me for kidnap! They came over and I said he threatened me, grabbed my arm etc and threatened suicide. They brought me home to get my medication and clothes and dropped me back and said it was a tiff they’d stay out of.

I can almost certainly guarantee that he won't kill himself, BUT there's a chance he might. That is not your fault. You are not responsible for his actions! It is the ultimate form of control when he knows he's losing you. Would it be better if he put you in hospital, or your children, or God forbid, killed you? Would you feel that your children would be best served with him?

Get your locks changed, as PP said, call 101 - get them to send officers to keep you safe until that is done. They should take his threats very seriously - esp with a baby & a child in the house and your disabilities.

My ex was awesome for a lot of the time, but that is how abuse works - you stay focused on the dream of that person "coming back". They don't. It gets worse.

He’s now blaming it on working 60hr weeks saying he’ll try talking therapies again. I said other people work long weeks without threatening to kill people and “oh goodie for them”. I’m panicky. “Im a cunt you’re a cunt everyone is a cunt fuck off”.

Stop talking to him. Even with therapy, this is not going away.

Think about your children - do you want them to grow up seeing this? Your 11yo IS seeing & hearing this. Living with you being anxious.

OP, this was really upsetting to read so I can't imagine what it's like to live it. You've been given some great advice on here. I just want to echo the suggestions of seeking advice from women's aid on how to leave safely. Men like this are very dangerous. Please look after yourself.

@QueenOfOversharing I’ve muted him now. I’ve got til around 5:30 tonight to figure something out. I can’t just change the locks and have him try to force his way in because that will actually traumatise the kids who otherwise are not subjected to his behaviour, he does it to just me, largely over text

And a final thing - the suicide threat is another power play. If he does decide to kill himself (v unlikely, i suspect), it would NOT be on you. It would be a final attempt to hurt you and 100% his decision.

What if he does kill himself?

He keeps telling you he's going to. So sit and think about whether you can do anything about that? The answer is no. You need to prepare yourself that he might and that it's not your responsibility.

He's an adult and responsible for himself. If he was seriously worried there is help out there, and the police can help him.

Make sure you tell the police how frequently he says this.

Whatever happens, if he wanta to take his life there is nothing you can do to stop him. However, once he realises you know this, his threats will stop, as he uses it to make you upset and take responsibility for his feelings.

Make your house safe. Get in touch with the sanctuary scheme who can make your house safe, and tell the police so you have protection.

Its easier for you to see the issues in others relationships on here, because you are not attached to that persons OH, you can make clear decisions.

When its your own relationship it can feel impossible to see the wood for the trees. You do see that wood though, you do know how awful things are. You do know and live under his threats.

Please don't ignore them as if he feels he is losing control of you you have no idea what extreme reactions he may have to regain control of you.

He needs to have you scared or it doesn't work for him.

I’ve called the women’s charity they’ve given me the number for someone who may help. I’m also worried as I’m due to work from home this weekend or lose my job as I’ve just started/training and I can’t do it from a refuge