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Mental health

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Original poster

please help i feel like a terrible mam

18 replies

EvesMama · 25/09/2004 21:43

my dd is 16 months old has since our holiday nearly to weeks ago she has been obsessivly clingy (i never left her whilst on hol, we all went everywhere together as normal).
i cant go to the loo or walk into kitchen from dining room without her actually sobbing and shouting mamma, even just picking the phone up the other day started her off.
my dp helps a little, but i dont have ANY other help and have constantly found it a struggle and always wonder if i'm doing the right thing.
this afternoon, she screamed and sobbed when i went into the kitchen to do us all tea, even tho her dad was with her she was beside herself wanting me. after considering the whlole cc (she's a terrible night sleeper) and watching all these programs on telly, we said we would ingnore her crys when we knew she was ok and just doing it for attention, which we did. she finally stopped after about 15 mins, then started again through tea, so took her upstairs and sat her in her cotbed, stood outside the room for over 15minutes with my heart wrenching out of my chest as she shouted for us and sobbed, after an etenity she stopped, i went in trying to be normal and pick her up but she started again. managed to get a yogurt into her, but then had to change nappy so thought id give her an early bath and try to calm her down. didnt work. she made herself sick in the bath and screamed when i showered her down.layed her on the bed and after crying on and off she fell asleep, wouldnt have any bottle and keeps wimpering in her sleep. me & dp are avoiding talking about it as we are both upset over it all but i dont know if i did the right thing or what else i can do to help her relax when i am not giving her 200% attention..please..any advice will be really appreciated

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Original poster

EvesMama · 25/09/2004 22:08

anyone?....

im gunna have to go to bed, ive had a crappy day, hope someone can offer a bit of advice tomorrow. take care, night all

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tamum · 25/09/2004 22:10

Can't think of anything concrete at the moment, just wanted to say sleep well, it does get better, honest. I'll try and post something more thought-out tomorrow.

Yorkiegirl · 25/09/2004 22:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

EvesMama · 25/09/2004 22:15

routine is a mess now as dp was made reduntant in may and i feel as though i dont have anything organised any more as i am not working and on adp, we tend to go out for a drive somewhere and am one of those people who try to please everyone and end up pleasing no one!
i just want to do whats right for her and hate seeing how upset she got, she looked at me as if to say why are you doing this to me?
i knew she would always be a bit clingy as i do everything for her and have not been out since july 2003 so she expects me to be here, but after a bad night, days like this, i feel i cant go on.i feel useless and that im confusing her.

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TraceyP · 25/09/2004 22:18

Evesmama, you're NOT a terrible mum, OK? You're a kind, caring mum who wants to do the best for her child, otherwise you wouldn't be here. It's hard when you're tired and all your child wants is you, but she will eventually learn that if you go away you always come back, and that will help her to realise that she can't always be with you. It's a really common problem, although that's no consolation when you think you're the only one.

Have a good nights sleep, someone far wiser than me will be along in the morning and I'm sure you will get all the help and advice you came looking for.

Original poster

EvesMama · 25/09/2004 22:24

thanks traceyP but i just feel awful, as i get no break, i sometimes feel resentful and so crappy. dp says he should do more and is...but not enough...i feed, drees, change bath, settle, end up in spare bed with and whatever else i could possibly do for her. he is trying lately, but he feels helpless cause its just me she wants.
one of my friends thinks its lovely when they just want you, but she has a v.hands on hubby, 2 older step kids and babysitters on tap so although i love her dearly, i cant agree with her at min. i feel so bad, cos she stands in front of me crying my name with her arms held up to me. no one tells you about this part do they!

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MUMINAMILLION · 25/09/2004 22:24

Evesmum, poor you. It is so hard when you have a little one demanding your time constantly. If it has been since the holiday that her behaviour has become a problem, then it could just be that now that you are back, you are busier and cant spend every minute with her as is possible on holiday (housework to do etc.) So,if this is the case, she will soon be back to normal. Or, it could just be a phase - they do go through terribly clingy phases at certain times, only wanting just you or your dp. I know that doesn't help, but it does pass. The main thing, IMO, is to keep talking with dp. You cant get through this on your own, and if it is causing tension between you both that will only make matters a hundred times worse. I know this is not terribly helpful, but I just wanted you to know that I really sympathise with you, and hope things improve soon.

Original poster

EvesMama · 25/09/2004 22:29

thanks miam, am gonna go up to bed now, but will give dp a kiss on the way there!we both get so stressed easilly and i hope you're right about the phase but i cant work out if i should give her more attention or less when she's like this?
will log back on tomorrow night and let you know how its gone (if i dont, you know it hasnt gone well and im laid on the bed with her!)

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TraceyP · 25/09/2004 22:37

Evesmama, can you get a break at all? Even just a couple of hours to go shopping, get your hair done, mooch in the park? Your husband will cope, and so will your daughter. My dh has done this for me every Saturday morning for three years, and although dd did go through this clingy stage, he coped, and she got over it. You need a break from the relentless caring.

codswallop · 25/09/2004 22:41

I htink shes over tired
my ds3 is very clingy - I wold roll with it adn let it pass - as with most things it s a phase - all my boys are supremely confident and I think its because they always felt safe as littel ies

cuddle her when she needs it and she will grow out of it
let your partner do t he cooking.
she was deifnitely over tired by tea time

emkana · 25/09/2004 22:44

Totally agree with coddy, at this stage I think the best thing to do is to give in to her when she's like this, especially when she's (over)tired. It will make her more confident and independent in the long run.

cab · 25/09/2004 22:54

Hope you have a good night's sleep.
I cannot believe that you have not been out for over a year. No wonder she's clingy.
Would suggest you and dp have a rota so that you can get some definite time off and find your friends again.
But they do go through these clingy phases regardless and they do grow out of them too!!

Shimmy21 · 25/09/2004 22:54

It must be so distressing but yes it really really is a phase! As toddlers develop more language they can understand 'i'll be back from the loo in a minute' or whatever. Don't worry about too much or little attention. Just do what you would do if your dd wasn't crying and try not to hear her screams (impossible but for your own sake its worth trying.) By letting your dp take over some of the childcare you are helping dd learn that when you leave her it is not forever and you will be back soon. If she believes that by crying she can always make you stop what you are doing and cuddle her she will keep going for a few months yet! (I'm not saying you should be harsh and leave her in a screaming heap but let your dp take her. I guess he'd love to spend a bit more time with her if she could learn to enjoy him too.) Sorry to sound a bit know it all- I don't!! Hope you sleep well.

MUMINAMILLION · 25/09/2004 23:06

And do try and get some time for yourself. I know if I havent and my dds are demanding too much of me I really resent them. You will come back refreshed and more able to deal with your dd.

Original poster

EvesMama · 26/09/2004 20:29

thanks everyone. once i'd signed off and went to bed last night i had about 1/2 hour sleep and she woke up..after such a stressful day and feeling so guilty i just got into the spare bed with her!
i know what you mean about over tired codswallop, she didnt sleep till about 12.30 today (in car as we'd took her to park and childrens animal farm)slept for 1/2 hour ish but by 3.30 ish today i could see her eyes were heavy, but she would never have any more than about an hour during day.
sil came round this afternoon and dd played happily (not a peep from her all day whilst we were out, even at my brothers who she never see's.
then once sil left, dd started, possibly as we were tidying up and starting tea, so becasue she's had an active day with us al to herself, she suddenly felt alone?? she was a lot better than last night but when i told her she couldnt have a dummy as she'd threw one downstairs and one under unit, it all came back! dp explained cos niece had been round and we'd pretty much let them do what they liked, she now wondered why i was stopping her from doing something she really wanted?? i sat down and she calmed pretty quickly.
i know this is long winded, but i think it could be me???, when she doesnt really need me, im there hovering, and when she wants me, im busy??.
dp has said he'll do tea tomorrow as this seems when she's at worst, but could happen any time.
felt terrible when went to bed last night and she was so sweet this morning, i half expected her to ingnore me!! we wanted to try controlled crying soon as phychiatric nurse 9im not loopy by the way) has offered to help us through it, but this is all just confusing me and wish i had done things so differently.

in response to all of your help.. i do get and hour a week for a driving lesson and week before hol, had an hour in town shopping, dp said he would make it reg thing, but all this has happend since...only friend that still bothers is one i met at aqua natal with own 17 month old, all other mates either single or have mums and dads around to babysit on tap so they all lost interest.
we're so much in a rut and cant see any way out..does anyone have lovely parents who wouldnt mind being cloned?????

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Original poster

EvesMama · 26/09/2004 21:47

sorry, i guess i droned on a bit too much there!

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Skate · 26/09/2004 22:22

Evesmama - poor you. My ds2 is v. clingy to dh at the moment. He can't leave the room without him going hysterical and shouting 'daddeeeeeee' (you can imagine how that makes me feel too!). I think it's because dh was off work recently for 2 weeks when I gave birth to ds3 - I'm trying not to worry about it as I'm sure it'll be a phase.

Apparently my youngest brother was the same with my mother - she couldnt' go to the loo or anything without him screaming. Once he got to his teens you wouldn't believe he was the same child!!

Sorry I've got no practical advice but thought you might like to know you are not alone. Big hugs to you.

Original poster

EvesMama · 26/09/2004 22:25

thanks skate

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