Any tips for how to make use of time with therapist?

[SamUnder]

I have been having therapy for a few months. The therapist told me that my mother is a narcissist.
I was aware as a child that my mother was neglectful and I knew she wasn't going to change or love me. I didn't look to my mother for love and attention since I knew it was pointless.
The therapist keeps focusing just on my mother instead of letting me talk about the other things which are affecting me.
Such as the impact of struggling to trust people because others in my family and in laws are bullies/narcissists and have done things which have contributed to a lot of hurt by scapegoating me. Leading to all other family members and in laws having to tow the line and has meant myself, DH and our children don't have contact with family from both sides due to these lies.
No-one ever came to us to check on whether anything was true. Instead we are scapegoated and I don't know how to move on from that.
How can I get the most out of therapy?
Should I set everyone straight and tell them exactly how bad those bullies are and what really happened to us?

I have been seeing my therapist for 14 months. She has never directed a session, she even said that if I wanted to come and just play games for an hour then we can. Do you feel comfortable enough to say that you don't want to talk about your mother right now?

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while. I think that the act of telling your therapist what you feel you need to or want to talk about is part of the therapy. If she is a good therapist she will hopefully be responsive and respectful to you telling her.

Thank you for your messages.
My therapist often talks a lot but is repeating what she has said before which may be because she is used to trying to convince people to stay away from toxic people. Which is not an issue I have.
She sounds a lot like the book she asked me to read so then it ends up feeling even more repetitive when she's just repeating the authors words.
When I talk about things my sister did and her spreading lies and how that has hurt me - my therapist cuts me off because she wants the focus to be on my mother.
Taking the view that my siblings are the way they are because of my narcissist mother. Perhaps trying to make me focus blame just on my mother.
However the things that siblings have done to me has been their own ideas and were things not always involving my mother. I am responsible for my own actions just like any other adult is responsible for their actions.
But I can't seem to get the therapist to allow the conversation to be about those things and not just about my narcissistic mother.

I think then if it was me I would find someone else. It's odd she talks a lot when it's your space.

Do you know much about your therapist's qualifications, BACP registered/accredited status (or membership of another recognised professional body)? Sounds as though she only works from a very limited model, which isn't helping you beyond the initial insight it offered. You don't mention the therapeutic relationship directly, but with such an inflexible therapist I'm guessing it's not great, in fact it sounds like hard work for you (and not in a good way).

Although it might feel daunting, I'd consider challenging her in your next session. Describe your sense that she's blocking you from exploring things more broadly by the way she keeps steering everything back to your mother. Tell her that you feel it's unhelpful and ask her what more you can expect from the process, because right now you feel it's important to look at strategies for communicating your truth to other family members and need supportive tips and suggestions for how you might do that effectively. It's a big step for you, and you need to know she's going to help hold you together while you broach these historical issues with those concerned.

If you get the impression she's not going to help you move forward, notify her that you're ready to end your therapy with her. Since she seems to be very polarised around one single issue and response, I wouldn't let her talk you into a drawn-out ending process. One or two sessions beyond your next one will probably be plenty, and that's ultimately up to you, not her. Meantime, shop around for another therapist if you feel up to it. Perhaps approach a few and go along for the initial session they offer, which is usually free or low-cost. Use it to explain your frustration with your current therapist and discuss your goals for therapy with them.

I see an integrative psychotherapist within an eating disorders service once a week, but she never forces us to talk only about food or diet issues. We’ve talked about so many things about my life, and the other week when I was having a rough time in my relationship we spent the whole hours session that week talking through the problem and how I was going to deal with it, food was never mentioned. It was tremendously helpful!

Maybe it would be useful to find out the kind of therapist you are seeing and if they are trained in several different approaches, or just one thing.

It’s also worth noting though, that she is correct, your siblings are a product of the same upbringing and childhood experiences that you had, and they’re trying to find their way just like you are. The difference here is that you’ve recognised your issues and have sought help, and your sister maybe isn’t there yet, and she might never be. You are responsible for what you allow into your life going forward and what behaviours you tolerate. Therapy is about understanding you and changing your reactions to things, but you can’t change anyone else with it. Maybe your therapist thinks it isn’t helpful to you to keep going over the ways in which all these people have wronged you, or perhaps they think that you would feel less troubled by your siblings behaviour if you viewed their actions through the lens of empathy and understanding of how hard they had it with your mother too.

You could always just ask your therapist honestly why they keep doing this and if there’s a key thing that you’re missing. You might even give them cause for reflection or something to discuss at their own clinical supervision sessions.