Scared

[Lunarosechild74]

3 years ago I made a mistake, the only one of its kind in my life, I got into gambling after watching my dad waste away from cancer and he died in my arms. Through this I got into trouble and ended up on 2 years probation, which I have never denied I deserved.

In January this year my mum collapsed and died infront of me and my 6 year old daughter. It was sudden and unexpected. My life fell to pieces. I had to stay strong, there's only me and my two children left, my now 7 year old and my 14 year old son who is autistic. But two months ago I started to self destruct, started panicking when leaving the house, drinking, which in turn made me worry even more about leaving the house incase my epilepsy kicked in again.

I was put on two courses of Diazepam and my anti depressants were changed but it reached the end two weeks ago when I was admitted to hospital. They discharged me the next day, didnt offer any help, I have not had a drink since leaving that day, I have done this all by myself. Social Services got involved but don't want to see i have had a breakdown, they just want to make me look like a bad person and a bad terrible mum.

During the past two months I have missed 2 probation meetings, it wasnt through not wanting to go, not realising the significance of them or not being able to be bothered (although they only ever consisted of tick you attended, see you next month), no help there yet again. I have 2/3 more appointments before it finishes.

Now I have court Friday for not attending and people keep telling me I could get a custodial sentence, I think they are trying to tip me over that edge, the thought of losing the 'only' two things that I have left in my life is killing me. They only have me also, so what would happen to them if that happened, they keep saying it everyday, I don't know how much a person is supposed to take before saying thats it, Ive had enough, I just feel like they are all out to get me, to do everything they can to take everything, not that there's much left to take, everyones gone.

I don't know what to do, im terrified.

Can your solicitor or probabtion officer explain exactly why you have missed your meetings? I think a custodial sentence is unlikely, especially since you have kids.

You need urgent mental health help, the paranoia is a sign that things are seriously wrong for you, especially coupled with the suicidal feelings. Can you make an emergency GP appointment?

I havent got a solicitor because I thought I can convey my feelings better myself, I could never do it out direct but I have written a statement and I do have evidence of Emergency Hospital Admission and 2 courses of Diazepam and change to stronger Anti-depressants that I have recently been given, I have told them everything that has happened in the space of 4 years and if any other person could get through everything Ive been through, including being attacked by my estranged husband infront of my children, well they are a better person than me.

What makes it worse in a way is originally the prosecution said that if it wasnt for me being so honest and admitting to everything that happened in police interview they wouldnt even have persued the case. I guess sometimes honesty isnt the best policy.

Thank you though for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate it, you didnt have to. the closer it comes to Friday the more Im panicking.

Sorry for your losses OP. That must have been devastating for you.

A solicitor might be better than doing it yourself. Not because you can’t but because there is a legal system and us regular people don’t understand the workings of it all. We need professional help. And presumably you should qualify for free assistance if you aren’t working? I don’t know about these things.

I know they really prefer women not to have custodial sentences and the fact you have children would make me think that’s a strong reason for keeping your freedom.

You do need help with your mental health. Can you get to the GP and get any help?

Well done for how far you've come and what you've overcome. It's incredible. Definitely get a solicitor - you need someone on your side who knows the system. Good luck for Friday, I really can't see it being a custodial sentence so you'll be able to come back and tell us how it went. Stay strong. Xxx

Good luck today Luna. Let us know how you get on. Xxx