Depression help

[Mamadoll]

I've been depressed for most of my life, since I was at least 7 or 8 yo. I'm in my 30s now and I have spent the last 20+ years zoned out of life. Doing the bare minimum to survive.
It affected school, I couldn't cope with high school so I didn't go. I've never had friends, even as a child, I spend most of my time in isolation. I don't care now though, l know that I can't keep up socially anyway. I have been working low paid jobs and can't see myself ever having anything more, even after trying hard and getting good qualifications at college a few years ago and getting the occasional interview in better paid jobs, I am literally unemployable beyond nmw, I can tell that people don't like me.
I don't care about anything anymore. I haven't left my house in months or spoken to an actual person. My home is a tip and I no longer care enough to look after myself either, even though I know I must look and smell like a disgusting slob - I just don't care.
I don't know what the point is anymore. Every single night I wish that I would fall asleep and never wake up, or on the rare occasion that I do leave the house that I'll get hit by a car because I don't have the balls to kill myself.

Can life ever be different when this is all I've known since childhood? Where do you even start? I told a dr once several years ago and was sent home with pills, they didn't work. I tried telling someone else but was scowled at and told to get a grip - I went home and came the closest I've been to killing myself. I'm not convinced that talking to a counselor would help as I have nothing to talk about.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, I hate myself and the thought of the rest of my life panning out the same as the last 20 years is too much.

Oh Mamadoll , I don’t know what I can say to make you feel any better, but I will try.

You are reaching out on here, so you obviously want things to change and you have made the first step.You are surviving despite your depression and that is something to hold onto.You have attended college and are getting interviews ..something to be proud of.

Both getting out of the house and making it somewhere you want to be by tidying up probably needs to be done in very small steps...one drawer or cupboard at a time.Tell yourself you will only do ten minutes....you might find you do more .There are loads of tips online ( and probably forums too) about cleaning tips.

Getting out of the house must be daunting if you haven’t done it for a while..make a plan.For the next two or three days , get dressed and walk to your door..open it and note what you can see.Make a plan to walk for a few minutes, then turn around and come straight back.Build this up over a week or two., then have some where in mind ... the local library, a cafe ( no one will bat an eyelid if you go in on your own, honestly) .

Your life does not have to be the same as the last twenty years..you can change it , one small step at a time.

You say you have tried pills.i would also suggest going back to your go to see if there is anything other medication they can offer.

Good luck x

You need to let your doctor know you’re having such a rough time. Maybe a different medication would help.
Maybe a counselor would help- give that a try.
Maybe you could take a quick shower tonight?

@Mamadoll aww hun,I know exactly how you feel,I feel like that most days but get days in between where the odd nice thing might be said to me or I look around and think actually im ok if not brilliant.i tidy my house all day long as I find keeping busy helps me not to think about how unhappy I am,getting some exercise in everyday is essential too.i know it can feel like you're just existing,but really everyone else is too just in different ways. Honestly get yourself a nice hot bath,wear your best clothes and put some makeup on,its a start,tidy a room and treat yourself to something youd like.be selfish and all about yourself ,act like you deserve it,cause you do and hopefully one day soon you'll believe my fellow lovely humanxxxx