Name changed for this as I feel embarrassed at myself. I guess I need some help. I am diagnosed with OCD/depression and high functioning ASD. I am not currently medicating though I did take citalopram for some time. I’ve been trying to manage it through talking therapy, exercise and self care this year. I really thought I was getting better.
My dh and dd(5) are away this weekend- he overseas visiting a critically ill close family member, she at my mums which she had been looking forward to. I’ve been alone since yesterday afternoon. I was dreading it- since I was a teen I’ve been pretty unable to function on my own emotionally and end up with coping behaviours such as bingeing (often with purging), extreme exercising, overspending/shopping sprees, destructive things like reaching out to people who have previously hurt me, and most recently I’ve started drinking more when alone which was something I’d never done before. When dd was born I found I could stop most of these behaviours because I had responsibility for her- I still had an eating disorder for about the first 1.5 years of her life but haven’t purged since then, so that’s been 3.5 years bulimia free. However as a mum I comfort eat more than I ever have- I work full time and during the busy week I jsut chain eat carbs at work and home knowing it somehow soothes me. I can only really “relax” once dd is in bed which may be normal. But I rely so heavily on dh for emotional support because regardless of how much therapy I have, cbt I do, healthy coping strategies I develop, i get incredibly anxious and triggered when I’m alone.
I was able to distract myself last night by running an errand I needed to do and watching a movie. But something stressful happened just before bed and then I had nightmares and I woke up this morning, binged on a huge pot of coconut cream in the fridge, started obsessing about how unhealthy it was and then went to the bathroom and purged. First time I have done this in nearly 4 years.
I feel so ashamed of myself. Why can’t I just be a normal adult woman able to live with herself? Im sitting here in bed my mind racing, feeling awful from purging, unable to move. I don’t want to tell dh what happened or how I feel because he needs to focus on his sick relative. I’m glad my dd isn’t back til tomorrow because I need to get a grip. I’ve used up all my sick days at work with mental health issues this year and I can’t take anymore. I like my job but it’s demanding, quite lonely and I don’t know if it’s good for me. I don’t know if I need to accept I can’t do it right now. But if I take some time out I may just end up like this every single day.
One other thing yestrday was when I was waiting at a station I had a very strong feeling that I could jsut step out in front of the train and end all the shitty feelings I carry around of guilt, shame, confusion, sadness, regret, to name but a few. It scares me that I had that thought, again it hasn’t been like that for a while.
I thought I was getting better but I’m clearly not. My family are of the mind that mental health issues are for the weak, I have a good life so why am I so messed up? Dh is so supportive and totally understands mental health issues as they are in his family. But I cannot talk to him right now as I fear it will jsut look like me trying to take the spotlight from his sick relative. I feel like I don’t know anymore if I am a good person. My family feel distant from me, I haven’t ever been great at keeping friendships as I isolate myself when things get bad (ironically, considering how bad I feel when alone..) or I otherwise fuck things up.
What do I do now?