feeling trapped. and very, very down. (*long, sorry)

[americantrish]

(i know i've posted on mn before about what's going on with me, but somedays; like today, mn seems like the only place i can turn for some advice and comfort.) (i don't really have any real life local friends and family is in the US.)

my marriage has broken down, and we are separated, but living in the same house. which its only been a week, but this is proving unbearable for me. the stress, tension and paranoia i have is mounting on a daily basis. (the paranoia is that my husband is checking up on me, reading emails, checking texts, etc. as he did this to me in the past.) i don't say anything about it because i don't want to make things too bad while living here.

my confidence and self-esteem are at rock bottom. i don't think they were this bad when i left him last year this is making job hunting horrible as i feel like there is nothing i can do and no one wants to employ me. (i know this sounds like a load of self-pitying divel.)

i've been in counselling for 5 weeks with my surgery and its turning up some very unpleasant feelings. especially towards my son, who is 3. feelings of resentment mostly so much so that most days, i dont want to be a mother anymore. i dont feel maternal. and i am distancing myself from my son. taking care of him is almost too much for me most days. (he does go to nursery 3 five hour sessions a week, so some respite.)

i know if i can get a job, save up, i can move out. but i am so worried i won't get a good enough job to be able to do that. and i'll be trapped. more so than i already am. dh has already made it very clear he would challenge me if i tried to take ds out of the house (to a hostel or B&B to wait for a counsel house), and i dont want to get caught in a benefits rut that so many end caught in.

i'm so worried. sick. confused. and down. nothing seems to relax these feelings (i was on ADs, but went off them due to weight gain) i just don't know what to do, feeling so utterly helpless just is not who i am.

if i could run away, i would...

(thank you if you read this, i just need to get it out in a safe-ish environment.)

Aw trish you sound very sad and low. Relationship breakups are hell at the best of times let alone when circumstances have forced you into staying under the same roof. You say that you have tried ADs without success due to weight gain, but I would encourage you to return to your doctor to see if an alternative might be available.....as you know, ADs don't solve problems, they merely 'lift' you so that you feel more able to deal with them. And if you are in a stronger place, mentally, then things may become easier for you to cope with. I don't know your history, sorry, but am for both you and your child. Hopefully someone else with more experience might come along.. couldn't not answer your post

hi ju,
thank you for reading and responding. (i know it was long )
my GP only recommended other ADs. (i'm not keen to try anymore.) they got my counselling (even though it took almost 4 months) prozac made me numb to things around me, zoloft made me sick, and the other one, (i cant remember) worked when ds was 8months old.

there is no worse feeling than this for me. at least i got thru the afternoon with both me and ds both happy (and eating homemade ice pops)
thanks again

Sorry AT. I don't have any useful advice but couldn't read and not post. Will bump this back up Active Convos for you in case anyone else can help.

Hi Trish, really feel for you, you have it all going on at the moment. Breakups are so difficult and to be staying in the same house is torture - was in the same situation for 3 months last year and was so so difficult.

I don't know your history so can't comment on your situation too well, but please try to take one day at a time, and (hard I know) try to focus on the good things you have achieved. Would also try and go to the doctors again to try a different AD - take any help that you can.

I know from personal experience that sometimes you feel that you are SO low, you cannot sink any further. Honestely, honestly, I know that this is trite advice but it WILL get better, no matter how slowly. Things will improve for you.

I don't know if you have been to the citizens advice regarding your marital situation; if you haven't, please try them, they can be enormously helpful; at least if you get the practical things sorted that will leave you (hopefully) with more time to devote to your emotional wellbeing and your child.

The best of luck x

AT another one who doesn't really know what to say but wanted to just say that i read your post and really hope you can get through this to happier times soon.

Hi Trish, just wanted to add my support as well. I really feel for you, living in the same house must be a huge strain for everyone and I hope you can resolve that situation before too long. I also can identify with you about your feelings towards your ds, my ds is 4 and dd is 6. I love them both to bits, but there is hardly a day goes by when I don't end up losing my temper with him. I find boys such hard work he is so much more of a handful than dd was although no-one I talk to can understand my feelings. He is such a lovable little chap and I know that alot of how I feel is tied in with my depression, and really want to do something about it. I really hope you get the help you need, don't be afraid to go back on ADs, I have just been back to GP today (see my thread) and I really hope that they will lift my depression such that I find the strength to make some changes in my life.
All the best and take care. Keep posting as I am sure you will get loads of support here on MN, the kindness and support never fails to amaze me.

Bumping for the evening crowd

Hello Trish, going through relationship breakdown hell as well. I so empathise with you about feeling alientated from your son - I am seriously thinking that my ex-H should have custody of our daughter aged 7 because I feel unable to be a mum. I love her so much but am utterly confused. I just say to muyself I'm not going mad and will come through this. You will too. Keep posting.

Do you know what I think? If counselling is making you feel worse, esp resentful to your tiny son, stop it. Loads of evidence that counselling makes things worse, not better, and that certainly seems the case with you. Instead, spend that time doing something for you. Go to the gym, have a nap, read a book, something that makes you feel GOOD.
where do you live? Where are you in the divorce process? There is no need for you to move out. As primary carer for your son you would have first dibs on any home. YOur husband should move out. Esp if you are feeling this bad.
When your son is at nursery, do stuff for you. Progress your divorce, nap, go to the gym, read a book, have a NICE time. It's not his fault.

i cant respond or even read these responses now, but i will come monday.

counselling is good for me now, this much i do know. its helping me process my feelings and deal with them, especially the ones towards my son, and i would much rather THAT then to keep them inside and have it be so much worse in the years to come. (more on monday...)

thank you ladies.

aloha> the resentment of my son is normal given my situation. i dont hate my son, i would give anything for him. and fixing myself mentally is the best i can do for him. counselling is working for me, and i bought up my feelings of resentment, not my counsellor. i dont blame my son for my situation. stopping counselling now, for me personally, would be the absolute worst thing for me now. learning to work thru my feelings is what i am doing, and i knew it wouldnt be easy.
although it may come across that counselling isnt best for me (i was quite emotional when i wrote my original post and perhaps did not express myself as best as i would have wished to.) it is best for me. especially at this point in my life. to have someone unpartial to talk to. it is doing me wonders in the bigger scheme of things. and its giving me hope.

divorce proceedings have not started. (all i can/will say on this right now.)
my husband is not likely to move out and give me the house. (not to mention i would not be able to pay for it. housing benefit would not cover the rent.) the lease ends in october anyway.

again, aloha, whilst i appreciate your opinion and what you have said, again, i cannot say enough; i truly dont blame my son (more so i blame myself for getting pregnant!), my son is the most innocent party in all of this hell right now. and getting thru my feelings now will help ME to be a better and more productive mother to him NOW and in the future.
(i cant help but feeling a bit raw over things, life is not easy right now.)

mocca> i'm so sorry for what you're going thru as well. i said my husband yesterday that i feel like i'm breaking down and that ds doesn't need me. and he said to me, "if you feel that way, then we can arrange something". no vote of confidence from him then. but you're right, we'll get thru this. somehow. someway. you too. please keep posting. x

kittyloiuse> i saw the CAB sometime ago. they werent super helpful unfortunately. the most they did was give me some phone numbers, shrug. but it was a start at least. i dont know if i will be able to keep going on staying in the same house. its wearing me down and its taking its toll on my ability to feel ok as a mother. i know there's a way out, i just don't know what it is yet.... (thank you for posting...)

and thanks to everyone who bumped this as well! and to those who offered support i am really thankful to know that i'm not really alone in all this.

stipeytiger> thank you... i feel horrible whenever i lose my temper with my son. i know most of it doesnt even have to do with him! i am trying so hard to not involve my situation with my husband into dealings with my son. its hard though. i just know there's a way thru all this somehow. yes, MN, overall, is a great place for support. thankfully

What can i do ,once again my husband gone out leaving me with my 6 yr old,and i wish he would take me out for once the last time i went with him was back in may and that was a total cock up,i have been with now for 10 yrs and married for 3 off them we never did anything on our anniversary (he decided to go to football instead saying he can't let his mates down)well what about me, i love him to bits and would do anything for him as he is a good man and a good father but it just seems he doesnt want to lose his balcher days,what can i do i am feeling really low and everytime i mention it,it ends up in an arguement

I was just reading this thread (while my son has been watching CBeebies for an hour - guilt) and wanted to say that I too sometimes wonder if counselling is good for me. Sometimes when I come away and feel worse, I wonder what I'm doing. But I think all those statistics saying that therapy makes things worse are all about psychotherapy and the kind of Woody-Allenesque Freudian stuff analysing your childhood. Something more practical like CBT is proven to be very very effective and helps loads of people. It's just given this image in the media of being something which is miraculous and sorts you out after a few sessions, but sometimes it can take a couple of years. So don't write off therapy!