Morning
So I'm not really sure why I'm posting today but I just feel so miserable all the time at the moment and I'm struggling to get out of it so thought maybe typing it out might help. Plus, I was hoping someone might be able to suggest something I can do to help.
Normally I'm really active with my DD and always have stuff planned for the weekend and our 2 afternoons together (she's 2 and at nursery in the weds - fri mornings, dh has her weds afternoon and GP mon/tues), whether that's going out and about for the day or crafty things to do at home. But over the last few weeks/month I feel like I've run out of steam for doing anything, even staying at home and playing. This has just been made worse because DD has just had chicken pox so that's been a week of being house bound, her with all this pent up energy after her initially being unwell with it, and me struggling to find ways to entertain her. I've started getting massively irritable and find I'm snapping at the smallest things and then feel so bad afterwards, but it's like I just can't help myself.
Things aren't great with my dh, in fact I'd say they're probably at an all time low, the worst thing is I'm not even bothered about that. We barely speak to each other unless it's something we have to talk about, like DD or house related things. We defo have no affection let alone anything else, but again I'm not bothered. He puts minimum effort in with me and DD, he'll do everything around the house, which I am grateful for, but it's more so he can avoid spending the time with us rather than to be helpful. He never wants to do anything with us as a family and he's moans when I suggest he comes with us when we go for a day out, so in the end just me and DD go. He gives no input in terms of raising DD, he even moaned with every milestone I've helped her with, including weening her off bottles and toilet training. I'm completely fed up with him, which I know won't be helping with my overall mood but to be honest I've come to terms with how he is and know that if I want to keep my life how it is, (live in the house we're in, go the places we go and spoil my dd with prezzies) then I'm better off staying with him. Sounds awful I know and the fact I feel like that makes me feel worse/guilty but I'm justifying it that dd has a better quality of life cos of the things I can do with her, if that makes sense.
There's other issues too, we lost our dog, my first pet, which was really upsetting and now my granddad's in his 4th week of being in hospital, I've been going over to see him a lot but it's a good hour there and back as we live in different towns. Since dd started at nursery I increased my hours from 32hrs a week over 4 days to 35hrs over 3 days and 2 half days, I know that doesn't sound much but I think it's not helping cos the days are longer and I'm just tiered all the time.
I'm taking sertraline and have been for 2yrs now, I don't know if it's got anything to do with that, but I just feel completely emotionless. I've tried coming off them but by a week of not taking them I get so stressed out I can't cope so go back on.
I just want a bit of my old self back, I want the energy and enjoyment I had but I just can't pluck it out, I can't even find a spark of it. My dd deserves better than this miserable, tiered mummy :(