Suicide, autism, work

[NothingElse]

I've just started a new career, I like the job, I want to be great at it. But I'm not. Also recently diagnosed autistic and struggling. Which I didn't expect.
I'm realising I picked this outgoing sociable career because of my passions but also because I thought I would somehow mould Into the kind of person I've always wanted to be.
But I'm not.
I'll always be this way. Useless without a script. Slow to process, slow to understand. Hopeless at small talk that hurts me every day as my colleagues pry into my private life incredulous that there's nothing there.
Every evening is spent trying to recover.

And now all I can think of is suicide. I feel trapped into my job. I can't quit and I don't want to. I don't want to be the person with no friends, no life, no family in five years still, ten twenty years. My life is torture. Tell me another way?

You don’t need to necessarily mould into someone else.
Devise your own script that allows you to rehearse and explain away conversations you don’t want to have. Being that distant , unsharing person is ok. It’s other people’s perception that is all. You just need a coping strategy.

You're going to be OK.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I realised once I was on the path to diagnosis that my career path had been based on magical thinking in just the same way, and like you I was finding it utterly exhausting to project a fictional version of myself throughout office hours 5 days a week.

Yes you need to find a different way of earning a living that is less draining. That doesn't need to be instantaneous. There are clearly things you like about your current career, and somehow there is a way to keep those bits without the rest of the stuff that you don't need. Obviously I can't make specific suggestions not knowing the details of your industry but for me the answer was to move into providing email and phone based consultancy support to people doing the job I used to do. I work in a very relaxed hippy type creative commons (rent a desk by the day) workspace which is full of oddballs, geeks and nerds who are generally very accepting of eccentricity, and are happy to just leave me alone if I need that, but will happily exchange pleasantries around the water cooler as and when.

I've also started going to a monthly meetup for Women living with an AS Diagnosis. Well I've been once. It was scarey to go but it was the first time I have been in a social setting but not trying to project a "hey look at be being normal" persona - it was wonderfully liberating.

Exactly what your equivalent options will be is difficult to say but they do exist. Certainly self-harm is not the appropriate response. Do call Samaritans, they can be helpful, but don't focus on this self pity.

You have already started your recovery - things are already set in motion to start improving simply because you now know so much more about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and what circumstances will help you thrive and what will be more harmful. Be kind to yourself. Don't expect it to all fall into place all at once but you can climb out of this and find a niche you feel more comfortable in.

That is a beautiful post @YobaOljazUwaque and very useful for me too. Thank you.

@NothingElse, I hear you. I am also in the midst of a life reassessment. It's not easy.

I got a referral to Access to Work for recently diagnosed ADHD. They can do an assessment and suggest reasonable adjustments e.g software, employee coaching, manager coaching, even neuro diversity training for your workplace. Have a look at Genius Within, they are one of the providers for Access to Work. I disclosed to my employer and told them how it was impacting me at work and what I wanted to gain from a referral. If you are less than 8 or 10 weeks in your role, the support is free to your employer. After that it is on a sliding scale depending on the size of your employer.

Think you're just a better person than I @YobaOljazUwaque

Self pity a bit harsh though. Just snap out of it right..

How long since you started your job? And congratulations on getting it btw.

Feel completely invalidated.
Nothing else to say or at least I lack the skills to say it
In a dark place. I guess I will be until I ever/if I ever manage to connect

@Nothingelse I'm sorry you are in such a low place. I have a son with autism. But also more pertinent to you a member of my team is also autistic. When he started to work in my team we did not know he had ASD and neither did he. However because of my son I strongly suspected he might be on the spectrum. It was very rocky start until there was enough trust to raise the issue. We took him through an Occupational Health assessment and from that we have been able to make a number of adjustments to his role. He isn't doing the job he was originally employed to do, but he is still in the team and in secure employment. We have done work with the team as a whole to help them understand how best to relate to him.
I understand if it's a new diagnosis for you it might be particularly difficult but I think if you can you need to disclose to your manager. You can ask for any adjustments to your work and workplace, one of which is that your colleagues should be told to be not so intrusive around your personal life. Autism UK run courses for managers.
If you know you need a script, that's a good start. Write yourself a short script or notes as prompts to get you through the day.
You need to develop coping strategies - you can do it, but it will be a slow process and if you could find a local support group I'm sure that that would be a great help to you.
My team member has been transformed over the last year. Being in work has given him confidence and he know has a good social life with people who understand his issues and a partner.
There"s no reason why that can't be you a year or so down the line. You've made the first step in getting a diagnosis, now you need to find your support.
Good luck, I wish you well