I'm posting for the first time after often reading MN for advice.
I'm a father of a 4 year old daughter. I struggle with anxiety and depression and have done for most of my life in retrospect. Recently, I have been feeling a continuous and unrelenting despair and have frequently thought of killing myself. Life has not been straight forward, and it has felt like I have been surviving rather than living for so long that I can't remember when the future hasn't looked bleak.
Things started off fairly badly ; I was born with a congenital heart disease and sas quite sick until a corrective operation when I was 4. Following this, my heath was good although I was quite an anxious child. I grew up in an odd household - my mum is British and my Dad Pakistani. My dad was a harsh father, emotionally hostile and occasionally violent. He was a doctor, and was absent frequently which I remember being a relief. When I was 9 he went to prison for a medical manslaughter (later overturned) so life was hard for a few years. When he returned, he became a devout Muslim which added more difficulties at home.
I was pushed hard academically and ended up going to a grammar school and doing quite well. I had little freedom during these years, partly due to my father's attitudes but also as my older brother did not do so well, so I think I was expected to achieve to compensate. As I got older I gained some freedom, but often accompanied with punishment if caught. Materially, I was well provided for.
At school, my mental health deteriorated quite dramatically around my A levels, triggered by a relationship breaking up. I managed to get through, and went to medical school as I was not allowed to apply for anything else and did not have the necessary maturity to stand up for myself.
Medical school was OK, although my anxiety and depression frequently flared up and I drank quite heavily for many reasons. I managed to get through and meet my wife there.
I worked in London as a junior doctor, and although things went OK, I never really coped with the stresses involved. Perversely, I chose to specialise in a high pressure high risk area. Which is where things stopped being OK.
After 4 years, I suffered a full blown breakdown for want of a better word. I was uncontrollably anxious, and in the end became frightened I was going to kill myself. A series of traumatic events made me think that I couldn't continue safely in my job, for myself or my patients, and at the time this kind of difficulty was not well supported by work. So I walked away.
This coincided with my wife being pregnant, and moving away to a new area for her work.
I needed a job to support the family, which was made more urgent as my wife's health unexpectedly became compromised following my daughters birth. So I began retraining in psychiatry. The following 3 years were pretty tough, but we survived. I worked part time for my own sanity, but also to be more present for my daughter and wife. I have been hard to live with as I still have frequent emotional problems, which nearly ended my marriage but somehow things have stabilised.
I now have got to a point where I can't see any way forward. I can't see a future in my career as I only did it out if necessity and in truth have no drive to be in a responsible job which requires a lot of sacrifice. I feel like I have failed in every element of my life, as a son, husband and father. I'm not sure how to carry on, and although I know I have to for my daughter, it seems increasingly unlikely that I will be able to find a way to.
I never expected life to be like this. I don't know why I posted, but I don't really have anyone to talk to and thought it might help.