Hello op. I had severe ocd for over 20 years and now I don’t.
It started when I was 8 and my aunt died the morning after the nite when I’d been too tired to say my prayers. I was convinced that she died because I’d not said my prayers, that it had been my fault. From that moment on I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the wellbeing of others. I developed all consuming obsessive behaviours. I was convinced that if I didn’t follow through with these obsessions, something terrible would happen to someone I know. I felt utterly responsible.
I had counting rituals with special numbers that had to be repeated until I’d said them ‘just right’. I’d have to place things, hold things, let go of things to a certain count. I couldn’t let go until the count had been done and done perfectly. I had to perform tasks in a specific order and always to a count of numbers. Mine was all about numbers, repetition and timing. Even my breathing was done to a count. It affected my every waking moment and I kept this whole terrible thing secret which added to the stress.
Many many times I’d try desperately to resist a compulsion but the fear of being responsible for the devastating outcome was always too much to bare and I always gave in to it.
In my late teens I turned to drink and drugs to give some temporary relief to the awful stress I was under. When I was out of it, the compulsions temporarily left. Although they’d be back with a vengeance the next day.
When I turned 30 something happened. I was at an incredibly low point in my life. I was suicidal and thinking about my ocd. I thought about how I’d long given up any belief in a god of any sort and yet here I was believing In something. I realised that my ocd relied on a belief that something out there was keeping tabs on my behaviour, monitoring it. Just waiting for me to fuck up so that a response could be triggered ie someone would get hurt or would die. I realised that even though I’d stopped believing in a god, I was still believing in some greater, all knowing’presence’. So I thought right, if there really is a presence then it is a totally evil piece of shit to have made a little girl (me, at 8yrs old) feel responsible for her aunties death. And it is a totally evil piece of shit for making me suffer for all those years feeling I was responsible for looking after all those people. Having to follow all those rituals, all that counting and breath holding and perfect actions and awful stress. I thought ‘fuck you, I’m not doing this anymore. Fuck you, if you exist do your fucking worse, I can’t live like this any more. I’m going to put this cup down (I was drinking a cup of tea) and I’m not going to count as I do it. I’m just going to put it down and let go of the handle and if someone dies ITS NOT MY FAULT. Because it’s not fair to give me that responsibility and I’m not going to take it any more. Let everyone die, let me die I give up’.
And I put the cup down and I cried and cried with relief. It was as if a huge weight was being lifted from me. I was free at last. It really was that simple. I kept having to go over the logic of it to keep me from getting frightened and giving into it again. The logic being that if I am responsible for the safety of family and friends by having to give up my life to ocd then whatever is giving me that responsibility must be an evil piece of shit and I refuse to work for an evil piece of shit and would rather be dead. So I won’t do the ocd and if something terrible happens, so be it.
For a while after, I often found my self counting and doing rituals without thinking, especially if I was stressed about something. But as soon as I realised I was doing it I stopped myself. And every time I did I said a little ‘fuck off’ to the compulsion under my breath. It helped :)
I’m 51 now and still occasionally catch myself blowing a set number of kisses after a loved one as they drive off. I realise I’m trying to cast a magic ocd spelll - if I blow the right number of kisses in the right way they’ll be safe! But as soon as I catch myself I stop. And there is no stress in doing so. Because I know now, there really isn’t an all seeing evil presence out there who has given me the responsibility to keep others safe. It was all in my head. People will either be safe or they won’t and none of my rituals or compulsions are going to affect that.
I don’t know if you can relate to any of this. It’s just my experience and I get that ocd can be different for different people. I hope it helps in some way, even if just to say you’re not alone. 