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Mental health

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Original poster

its just hit me that i have nothing left to look forward to

35 replies

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 12:31

everyone has ups and downs. i know that. but I have realised now that i have not actually got anything to look forward to in life and i don't know what to do about it. I have put on loads of weight recently due to the tablets the doctor has put me on to prevent my migraines (which arent working as i have a constant headache) I have wanted to be a midwife for ages but, i can't see how that will ever happen. me and DH are fed up of living where we are but money (lack of) means we can't move. We aren't in debt, we manage, but we have nothing save IYKWIM. Ideally we would love to move to australia but hey ho! things aren't that great between me and dh but i don't know if thats just cos of the way things are at the moment or if i am just being a miserable cow. I don't have time to do anything for myself except spend 10 minutes on the computer now and again. Me and DH are spending less and less time together. I am scared to death about going for my MRI and what they will find. In a way, I am almost wishing they will find something and be done with it. It just feels like I have got nothing left to look forward to. Just like im going to be stuck in the same house in the same dreary town doing nothing but cook and clean all my life

OP posts:

Tweezerqueen · 15/08/2007 12:44

How old are your children?

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 12:47

i have 4 aged between 1 and 8 years.

OP posts:

chacha3 · 15/08/2007 12:51

what about looking forward to your kids growing up hun?

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 13:00

yeah. they will grow up, leave home and not need me anymore....

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 15/08/2007 13:04

Angel

There's lots to look forward to - your children growing up, developing their own personalities and talents and making their way in life. There's the generation after your children too. Growing old with your DH. Those are the big things.

There's so many little things too, that I expect you haven't looked for. The company of friends, taking up hobbies, getting fitter, sorting out the house, maybe, just maybe, going on to the next one. Cooking an exciting new recipe, taking the children swimming, a good book, a new skirt. It's the joy of small things that keeps most of us going.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 13:09

i only have a few friends. i try and do card making but i am crap at it. like everything else. im not cut out to be a mummy

OP posts:

onlyWotz · 15/08/2007 13:10

Q. I agree with you last line
it's the joy of small things that keeps most of us going.

Angel, who knows what's around the corner. Make the most of life while you can.

Someone said recently we need only 1 good thing to happen to balance out about 5 bad things. I can go along with that.

MadMumsy · 15/08/2007 13:17

Believe me they will want you forever. My children are between 21 and 29 and they are still forever knocking on the door wanting something - sometimes only a cuddle and a meal and that is fine with me. Look forward to that. You will then have more time to be with your husband. I can remember going through the same feeling as you but things change. I put on alot of weight also, I was almost 18st at one stage. I'm not slim now but 4 stone lighter and loving life. Hubby has just retired and we are enjoying each other too. It will change believe me. Try and think of something that you can aim for. You say you want to be a midwife - why not - go and find out about it, they are crying out for them at the moment and I am sure you would get some help financially. Please try, your kids will need you forever, honest.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 13:21

they dont need me now so they wont need me in 20 years time. its another 38 years til DH can retire. bit too far ahead to be thinking! the only thing i can aim for at the moment is just not waking up in the morning feeling like groundhog day

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 15/08/2007 13:31

Of course they need you now. You sound as though you've got a really bad dose of the lows. Love the idea of a career - that sounds like such a good suggestion.

hazygirl · 15/08/2007 13:36

course they need you ,i hope things get brighter soon x

Pitchounette · 15/08/2007 13:37

Message withdrawn

thomcat · 15/08/2007 13:41

How about taking each day at a time?

Looking forward to Xmas Day?

Looking forward to your youngest starting school.

Looking forward to teaching them to swim / ride bikes / knot / anything?

Why not book a pamper day for yourself?

Cook a really nice meal for everyone tonight?

Clear out a cupboard?

Go through some photo albums that will make you smile.

go to the library and get a good book out.

Hire a DVD that you and DH can watch together?

I don't know you or your situation but I do know that telling yourself you have nothing to look forward to isn't going to make your life any happier. you have to make your own happiness. Even if it's somethiong tiny, make something happen that's nice. Even if it's looking forward to kids being in bed and a nice long bath tonight.

Hope you feel better soon.
TC x

Pitchounette · 15/08/2007 13:45

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 15/08/2007 14:07

Angel - you have four wonderful children, which will be a constant source of joy, pride, love, worry, frustration, exhaustion, stress, oh and joy, pride and love!

I tend to lurk on these threads now, i have just admitted to myself i have had PND and it has taken me two years to get some help. When i read other threads, i think, christ, that woman sounds depressed, she needs help, then i think, bugger, she sounds just like me.

I see you want to be a midwife - is that not something you can work towards? You obviously have little ones at home so it is not something that you could easily do straight away but you could set things up for yourself. I think midwifery is a degree level qualification (im not sure about this) so you may need to boost your qualifications in the mean time. That you can do at evening class, one at a time if that is all you have time for. Of course you could do an access course too, although that is probably geared more towards the time when you have more time. I know that some colleges do this on a part time bases. Talk to someone at your local college, see whats on offer. Just that one positive step may well open out the future to you in a positive way. Of course it is easy for me to preach, i never listen to my own bloody advice. I left school with no qualifications whatsoever, now i have a phd, simply because i started an evening class and got hooked. Now of course all i have to do is actually get a job

I think you should tell your doctor how you are feeling, if i had a constant headache i daresay i would be feeling a little down on the world too.

You have achieved so much (your children) so far, let this just be the begining.

fruitymum · 15/08/2007 14:30

You have 4 kids who will always need the support and unconditional love that mummy's give, they may not say so but they all love you.
You mention midwifery as a career - have you considered;
applying for a course,
applying for an access to nursing/midwifery course which will help your confidence and ease you back into studying,
applying for a healthcare assistant post in the local maternity unit.
Your experience as a mum and service user will be a great asset.

It must be draining having migraines all the time - has your GP suggested accupuncture - worked well for a friend of mine. Is this the reason for your MRI?

Have you had a chance to speak to your health visitor or your husband about how you are feeling?

You have lots to look forward - things will get better - honestly.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 14:39

i went to the doctors last week. she said to just up my preventative medication as and when neccessary. said she wants it to have a few more weeks to work. i am in constant pain with my head. i can only sit at the computer for a few minutes at a time. same with reading and watching tv.

thanks for the link pitchounette.

actually doing a course/midwifery isn't practical at the moment, especially with the pain.

the children are arguing again here we go again

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 15/08/2007 14:39

anangelwithin speaking as a mum with two children who are now adults let me tell you ,they will always need you.They will still look to you for advice,comfort and love.It dosent matter how old they are,you will always be needed!It is hard when you are struggling financially when you have youngsters,but it does get better.And anyway,you have the best in life ,you have four children.It will all be ok believe me. I too thought a bit like you when my children first left home ,for some reason i thought i wouldnt see them very often ! Wrong !! Now they both have children of their own and so i am needed by the next generation as well as the first.! its great.

lucyellensmum · 15/08/2007 14:52

angel - i feel for you, i really do. I have a two year old and a 17 year old and i struggle to cope. So i have to say, i really admire you.

You should not have to feel like this with regards your head ache. What pain relief do you have? Go back to your doctor and explain that you feel depressed and you need some help with the constant pain. I know they cannot perform miracles but they must do something more for you. Migraines can be triggered by stress and it becomes a vicious circle IYSWIM. Ask if there is something they can give you for the depression - you are being very negative in your posts and that worries me. You owe it to your self and your children to go down to your surgery and stamp your feet until someone bloody well listens to you.

Dont be hard on yourself though, you are doing well, you just dont realise it

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 14:53

i have still got to go out and post some parcels and get something for tea

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 15/08/2007 14:55

You do sound very down. Have you spoken to the GP about this, as a seperate thing from the migraines?

I do sympathise, I know how utterly debilitating they can be.

Are you hugging your kids lots and telling them how much you love them and how fabulous they are? Because, like anything else in life, kids need to be SHOWN how to do this stuff. Do a little experiment; do this as much as physically possible, every day for a week and I bet at the end of a week you would be getting a lot more BACK from the kids and you may get that feeling of being needed.

Of course they need you. You're the only mum they'll ever have and you are the most precious thing in their lives and the most special.

How about looking into being a doula? I don't know, but I imagine the training might be less than that needed for a midwife? And with your experience of labour and birth you would be a fantastic supporter of women in that situation.

I do agree that taking pleasure in the little things of life is important. Would you think you might need anti-depressants for a bit? To get you to a stage where you feel you CAN take pleasure in things?

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 15/08/2007 14:59

i am on ads. fluoxetine 20mg. i am on pizotifen min dose 1.5mg per day and i have got 2 types of triptan tablets for when i get an attack

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 15/08/2007 15:04

Life is cyclical you know. Nothing remains constant, it can't. You might feel that this phase lasts forever but it doesn't. Your children will grow and pretty soon all will be in school, giving you time to reinvent yourself.

I wrote a short story about this kind of thing, groundhog day for mums. I was feeling very low at the time and like you, every day seemed the same and I used to wonder why I bothered getting out of bed at all.

You could just wait for changes to happen, which they will do eventually, or you could help fastforward that and make those changes yourself. Join the NCT, they have coffee groups round at members houses, it's an informal chat and play and a great way to get to know other mums. Some NCT groups also meet up in the evenings without kids. Long lasting friendships have been made through these groups.
Or log onto your local Netmums site, they have ideas of days out and also local meet-a-mum sections.

I'll find the thread I started on a coping plan for depression and I'll link to it for you, it might help a little.

Rhubarb · 15/08/2007 15:05

here it is.

onlyWotz · 15/08/2007 15:24

Rhubarb glad to see you

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