Ok, I have complex trauma and dissociative disorder. I have been ill since I was 16 but was only diagnosed with this four years ago. I was referred, after about forty different mental health referrals and treatments, to a specialist trauma unit. I suffer from really bad amnesia, hear voices, and have all the symptoms of PTSD.
I’ve been in the specialist service for three years and like my therapist and my care manager. I see my therapist once a week and my case worker let’s me email her multiple times a day and responds multiple times a day. I am insanely grateful and always say thank you at the end of therapy and often to my care manager. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this support and one of my voices also tales to the care manager to.
My therapist went on holiday in August and I declined quite rapidly, but not because she was on holiday - I was going through a safeguarding referral and found the whole thing massively stressful. Crisis team intervention was non existent even though one of my voices wanted to kill us. It was horrific.
However, I get my therapist needs holidays.
Since then there’s been a decline, I’m stressed, realising that therapy may not be working as symptoms are getting worse and I am totally exhausted all the time (I have an illness that comes with severe exhaustion but this is beyond normal).
I missed therapy three weeks ago having said I didn’t think it was working. I did actually change my mind and intend to go but I fell asleep. I then went the following week but was too tired to really talk. My therapist said she thought I was angry with her; I tried to assure her I wasn’t. I missed last week because I was away but went today.
Therapist is convinced I am angry with her to the point she is now dictating my feelings to me - I am not angry with her. There’s no reason to be. One of my voices is angry, but not with her, with me and previously with the care manager which they resolved between.
I spent fifty minutes today being told I was angry with her repeatedly. She would not let it go. She mentioned December holidays and said that was why I was angry but December holidays were not even in my mind; I have my own plans for December so I won’t be there anyway.
Literally she would not listen, she would not believe me, she would not let it go.
I ended up crying and left two minutes early.
I don’t want to go back to see her, it feels really dangerous to be told how you are feeling (this is very different to prompts to recognise feelings).
Do you think I can request a different therapist? She’s made me feel upset, as if she’s very controlling and quite scared.
I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through anything similar please, or does anyone have any advice on how to handle it?