Could someone talk to me, feel like I've ruined my life

[BlackCatFan]

I feel like I've ruined everything. I was supposed to start a new job today and I've just emailed them to tell them I won't be starting. I've been up all night crying and trying not to be sick.. and feeling generally panicky. I have anxiety but I've never felt this bad before. Last night I was worrying about the journey to work and worrying about needing a wee (sorry) on route and not being able to get to a toilet. It is something that sets my anxiety off sometimes but this time I couldn't rationalise like I can normally and I broke down.

I started a new job about 8 months ago but for various reasons it didn't work out, mostly because of my anxiety, my hands started shaking and I kept having to go to the toilet to cry throughout the day. So I left. I have some savings to back me up for a few months but I found some temporary work over the Christmas period - which I was meant to start today.

I haven't told my DP what has happened. I'm scared that he'll be angry about the situation when I tell him when he comes home.

I feel so useless. Everything feels hopeless. I feel like I'll never have a job again. I'm worried that DP will split with me and I'll have nowhere to live.

I was prescribed sertraline but was too scared to take it, and thought I could manage without it. It's out of date now so if probably have to go back to GP to request some more.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to say this but when I used to get really down I'd scratch my skin and it would make me feel better.. I really wanted to do this last night but stopped myself due to the shame I'd feel. I'm embarrassed to admit that I felt like doing it though 😔 sometimes I feel like I've come a long way and other times it feels like I've got nowhere at all

Please someone tell me there's a way out of this mess???
Thank you for reading

I literally had the same anxiety and it manifested in the same way. I couldn't do anything! I had to miss out on a multitude of things. You can't work until you get it sort because all that will happen is you'll end up getting off a bus or train somewhere random to use the loo and end up late anyway ( I did this numerous times and ended up stranded). I was medicated for several things before being given anxiety meds but nothing helped. Eventually I had hypnotherapy and, although expensive, that actually worked. I was crippled with anxiety for so many years- I completely understand how horrible this all is. I would suggest trying to get to the root cause of it because anything else is just a sticking plaster. Please don't feel bad either; people have no idea how horrific this is to live with unless they've been through it. Hope this helps x

@surlycurly thanks. I'm so scared about trying medication. I'm not sure I could afford any hypnotherapy at the moment but it sounds like an interesting idea

I've taken sertraline for anxiety, and aside from a week of yawning spells I had no side effects, and I felt that they helped me feel more capable to get on with life.
I would suggest you think of the sertraline like you do that little pot of savings you have to tide you over - although you'd rather not use it, it's there to help you get by while you get yourself sorted out. No-one is saying that you have to stay on sertraline to be better, but it might just build you up enough to make 'self help' like CBT etc feel more achievable. Hell, it might make you feel well enough to take on a job, which might end up being beneficial in itself!
They don't work for everyone, I know, but I have only ever had positive experiences of SSRI's (I was on citalopram in my early 20s for depression too)

Back to the gp, today if you can get an appointment, or have a telephone consultation. Then when you tell your DP, you've done something about your situation. Also the sertraline. My dd had it, one of my therapists had it. A six month course. It helped.

Don't worry about the job, when you're ready you'll find something else. Or can you start there another time? It doesn't matter, because today you aren't feeling up to it, and it's the present moment that counts.

You have come a long way. This is just a blip. I read a meme recently that said something like 'taking a step backward after two steps forward isn't failure, it's a cha cha'. This is one step in your life's dance, that's all.

Be kind to yourself. Warm drink, phone the gp, go back to bed. Be warm.

I have limited success with anti anxiety meds because I have Aspergers. I don't think I respond to them in the same way. I honestly would prioritise any therapy you can get yourself at the moment. It seems like a huge expense but it's an investment because think how much better things could be if you could function more normally.

I'm going to try and get a GP appointment.. if I don't feel brave enough today I'll definitely do it tomorrow. I know I have to but worry that the Dr will be annoyed with me - there's a horrible GP there who totally dismissed me last time I went with mental health stuff and told me to just go for a walk and I'd feel better..

Thank you @PlasticPatty

There IS a way out of this. Anxiety CAN be helped with support. And meds CAN take the edge off depression. You must seek professional help- not just meds, but ongoing face to face therapy- someone who can support you as you very very very gradually and repeatedly face your anxieties and 'reset' your brain. You don't have to feel like this. You can live a nice life. Please seek help, also make sure your DP understands the true nature of anxiety so they can learn how best to support you.

if I don't feel brave enough today I'll definitely do it tomorrow.

You need to do it today.

Imagine your dp coming home find out that you havent started the job, didnt take the medication and, despite being anxious, decided today wasnt the day to make an appointment.

I have anxiety, I do get. But you need to be prepared to start taking steps yourself. Tomorrow, you will decide you arent brave enough and then it will be next week or next year.

You need to make that call today

Please call your GP today.

I was in a very dark place and continually crying at work due to a traumatic event. Eventually I went to the GP and was given sertraline, and it has honestly changed my life.
I promise there is nothing to be scared of, if you cry at the GP that is fine, they are so used to this.

Let us know when you have called, and please tell them you'd like an emergency appointment today due to mental health issues.

Good luck

Right I've called the GP. Waiting for a call back now..

I'm probably going to break down in tears when they call me. damn it. 😔

Well done. It's ok to break down in tears. That's not wrong or bad.

Amazing, you've taken the first step!

Have they called you back yet?

@FitnessFad they did call me back, I ended up crying which was quite embarrassing, I found it difficult to explain myself. I've been prescribed sertraline which I'm going to pick up now.. I think I'll start them tomorrow though. I've got a pill cutter so I might start on a very low dose.

Take the dose the doctor said.

Today. What time of day did they suggest if any?

If you start on a lower dose it'll just take longer to have an effect. Take the dose prescribed, and do it today. They won't have started you on a high dose anyway.
My H took sertraline for a while and it was transformative. I can't tell you how much it helped. In as little as a fortnight you could be feeling so much better. But putting off starting the medication will only put off the point at which you feel better.

I wasn't advised about the best time of day to take it 😕 I attempted to ask a question about the dosage but it seemed like he just wanted me off the phone.. I've been prescribed 50mg anyway, seems like a low dose.

That's a good dose.

If you feel its low, why lower it by cutting it.

I took mine at night.

I wouldn't cut it op, just have the dose they've given you. I hope that it helps you

Glad to hear this news. You will get there I promise. It won't always feel like this xx

The other thing that GPs prescribe is beta blockers. They can help in situations where anxiety is uncontrollable. A colleague of mine had a course of sertraline and now has occasional beta blockers for things like presentations. I feel for you OP, it gets easier the more you build confidence, don't beat yourself up.

Anxiety is the 'fight, flight or freeze' reaction. You just have to remind yourself that a small amount of stress is healthy, have a teaspoon of courage and say some kind words to yourself.

When you are stable on the sertraline, make a list of all the symptoms and triggers for your anxiety, and write a wellness plan of all the things you can do that help. We have these where I work (staff wellness plans).