Here I am, pondering in bed (as you do when you're just waiting for your baby to be born) and thinking about life.
I'm in a much better stated than I was a year ago, 2 years ago, 9 years ago... Of course I'm worried about PND But I'm trying to stay chilled.
What keeps bothering is how useless my GP surgery was. I probably asked for help for the first time 5 years ago. Back then I thought I had PMDD (I'm not entirely sure anymore) They gave me fluoxetine and eventually changed to setraline, they also referred me to some triage service who instead of picking up how abusing my exH was said that I should get a cleaner and sent me to an anger management course. I diligently did both without much change.
I still had monthly episodes of suicide ideation, intrusive thoughts amongst many other things. I found some solace in running and that helped quite a bit, was able to see that my exH forcing me to have sex, punching walls or not stopping arguing until I collapsed in tears (once in Waitrose and he physically dragged me out of it as I was "too embarrassing" ) was all abusive behaviour. I told my GPs about all of these and ignored it BTW.
A few months later my MH declined again (I was going through divorce but was also made redundant, I had lost my career my "second baby" as well as other things going on in my life made it really hard to live it). However even in all that madness I knew that I had much better days than other, but the more they upped my ADs the more I lost touch of those happy days and those days were the ones that have me strength.
I also started hallucinating which was very bizarre. So I went back to the GP, not once but a few times. They usually would.just print stuff from the NHS website and out me into some sort of online diary system which obviously didn't help. I was getting worried about the disassociation/hallucinations and asked if i could be referred to a specialist, they only answered no and gave me even a higher prescription. After a couple of months of this and fearing for my own life (I had a plan at some point) I went once again, with no further answer other that to take even more setraline I was in tears and begged them yet again to refer me to a specialist I even asked what did I needed to do to be sectioned. I lost it that time and left saying that if I lost my life they'd have blood in their hands.
Fortunately I somehow ended up contacting Mind who helped me get in touch with a psychiatrist all within the space of a couple of hours. That phone called changed my life and I can say my life turned around.
I still resent for what the GP put me through, but I guess time will make it better.