Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

looking like my abuser (parent) **maybe triggering**

10 replies

daretodenim · 16/10/2019 07:51

I know we all look like our parents in some ways, but is there anybody else who finds that just looking in the mirror can be a horrific trigger if you see yourself at certain angles that look like your abuser, if they were a parent?

Sometimes I feel my body is a cage, I can't escape it and I can't escape the reminder it gives me of who she is. I sometimes catch myself sideways and just want to vomit.

It seems so unbelievably cruel. It's also getting worse as I age, because I didn't know my mother when she was younger. I am thinking of having botox purely to avoid getting the same lines in my forehead as she had, but then I think why should I? I don't want to freeze my forehead! But, better that than not even be able to put cream on my face. I've also put on weight and angles of my stomach (in clothes) catch me in the mirror as being how I remember hers. I am happier in stretch-marked, cellulite nakedness some days than in clothes. Not that that's a real possibility.

I hate her for complaining so much about her life and how much she had to give up because of me, how difficult I was, how she already wished she'd been able to get rid of me when I was 6 weeks old, when she's then given all this on to me. She definitely had no problems catching sight of herself in the mirror, unless she'd put on some weight and was worried about what men would think of her, or whether some other woman would look better than her.

I just wish I could rip my skin open and walk out of it to get rid of looking like her, but I've never come across this from anybody else. I am wondering if, especially as we age, other people who look like their abusers go through this too?

OP posts:
decisionsdecisions2 · 16/10/2019 08:45

Could you reframe your thoughts a little bit? Yes, you may look like her but you're living a much better life, not going down the same path etc etc.
Similarly, I look very much like a troubled parent. It's hard but I know I'm not them.

milliefiori · 16/10/2019 08:49

Dear OP, I had a friend who had this issue, He actually had a nose job so that he didn;t keep seeing his father when he looked in the mirror. When I saw him afterwards he was transformed. Not just the surgery. He was walking taller, smiling more, his eyes were more engaged. I would never advocate cosmetic surgery of any kind (including botox) normally, but I do think you have the right to see you in the mirror.

I hate seeing my dad's eyes first thing in the morning before I put on my makeup. They look so angry and full of hate. But I can paint them up with mascara and eyeshadow until they look nothing like him.

Can you do similar? Shape your eyebrows, use makeup (if you like it) and a radically different hair style to accentuate differences?

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 16/10/2019 08:58

Yes. I have her hair colour (black) and eye colour (brown) My siblings, the lucky fuckers, have my Dads (blonde and blue). The only time I look like her is when I have short hair. And my hair doesn’t fucking grow, so I have extensions and I’m blonde, costs a fortune. My DDs all have brown eyes and something switched in my head to “my DC have MY eyes” rather than “I have HER eyes”.

She’s very conservative so I have multiple piercings and tattoos. She’s a SAHM with zero qualifications so I’m currently doing a STEM PhD.

I often wonder how much of me, is me, and how much is my survival response to what she put me through.

kristallen · 16/10/2019 14:30

decision yes I know that I'm not her - I've spent a considerable amount of energy proving to myself I'm different..but then I catch myself in the mirror and it kind of takes over.

kristallen · 16/10/2019 15:01

Sorry I'm on my phone and can't tag properly without lots of different replies,

I had a breast reduction surgery about 10 years ago for medical reasons but afterwards I realised I no longer had large breasts like my mother. I walked like the friend who had a nose job, it was an incredible feeling. Now I've put on weight..need to lose it! 😂

As for my kids, my DD has different hair and eye colours to me and I'm SO thankful.

I get angry sometimes that so much of my life is spent trying to get rid of intolerable left overs from my childhood. I've just got rid of my sibling's screams after 24 years of randomly hearing them. The legacy of childhood abuse is so long and multi-pronged.

Aunaturalmama · 16/10/2019 19:22

Yes. I look like my brother..... the older I get (less fat on my face making my chin stand out more, more lines in my face, and thinner lips etc etc) the more I look like him. I use to paint my face with make up and never take it off. I have been make up free for a few years now and it’s much better for me to face it and get over it then to hide behind make up. Totally understand.

kristallen · 17/10/2019 06:01

Au natural mother that was a brave move!! Do you actually feel better looking in the mirror now that with makeup on? Asking because that jump to acceptance of this situation is one I just can't get my head around.

PeninsulaPanic · 17/10/2019 21:08

OP, something I've found helpful - not a total solution, but it makes a difference - is reminding myself that the people who love me see me. They don't see my father, my mother or my brother. They see that person they know and love when they look at me. Even when I've made mistakes and they've had to tolerate some of my stuff, the ones who have stuck with me and continue to include me in their lives and are happy to be a part of mine see me. Realising that, over time it has become easier for me to face my reflection and become a bit more comfortable in my skin.

However, I remain vigilant, and some days are harder than others. I completely agree, the legacy of a painful, abusive childhood can feel like a millstone around our necks. And yet it's rich in opportunities for connecting more deeply with ourselves and others, and not without some grace that people with less dramatic backgrounds often miss. Be kind to yourself and promise yourself (for your own sake) that you'll learn to own your reflection as a source of strength and self-acceptance that enriches your self-image (which comes from within, and is entirely yours to craft).

kristallen · 18/10/2019 16:42

Peninsula that is an amazingly good point. Others don't see her (I think at least!). I'd never thought of that. Thank you.

Letmevanish · 18/10/2019 19:48

I understand so much and I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
I don’t have any suggestions other than just trying to look at yourself and yourself alone.
I was told by my counsellor that it is normal and expected that there would be similar features but it doesn’t make you them.
Easier said than accepted though I understand.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page