Sick of anxiety and OCD

[Cookiedough123]

Not me - my partner. We have lived together for around 3 years and I am massively struggling with his outbursts which are stemmed from his anxiety and OCD around things being locked and switched off. 1 question about is a door shut leads to him repeating himself multiple times when we are both settling down going to bed which then erupts into massive full blown arguments. I answer the first time and get increasingly annoyed the more he repeats himself which then stems into him accusing me of not listening to him. I dont know how to help him anymore and he refuses to go and see anyone. Some examples .
When he comes in from being out he pulls on the front door repeatedly for around 5 minutes whether its 11pm or 2am. He knocks on the drawers next to his bed to check they are closed.. again irrespective of time. He cant cope with us being sat downstairs and a window being open upstairs. These are all things that if he lived alone wouldn't bother him but I am there too, having my sleep disrupted and also starting to feel increasingly anxious around bed time when all these questions start. My other problem is when an argument starts he completely over reacts. I get so much verbal abuse sometimes it is exhausting. "Are you stupid, we aren't leaving that door open", "you are thick leaving the keys in the back door". Just some examples! He is actually a very nice person but not when his anxiety and OCD takes over. I mainly needed to just rant but if anyone can offer any advice I would be so grateful.

Also posted in chat..

@Cookiedough123 Hi OP my DH has severe OCD and I can relate to everything you’ve said. He also gets angry and says really nasty things to me when he’s in the throes of it. It’s like they’re possessed isn’t it?

You’ve asked for advice so I’ll share my thoughts, I hope it helps you:

1. He needs to be aware of the problem. He needs to seek treatment. CBT therapy is supposed to be the most effective. Will he be willing to see the GP?
2. Talk to him about it when he is in a calm mood. DO NOT try to discuss it when he is in the midst of his OCD rituals. He won’t be able to hear or understand you.
3. Keep calm at all times. Don’t be drawn into arguments. It is pointless, he can’t stop. He will already know it’s irrational behaviour. The more tense the atmosphere is, the more his stress will increase. So you need to keep things calm if he starts to escalate. Remember, his anger is really fear.
4. Try to remember that this is a cognitive problem, it is NOT bad behaviour. He is not doing it to be difficult. This will help you to deal with him compassionately, rather than being angry at him.
5. Look up Mark Freeman on YouTube. His book The Mind Workout is brilliant. A lot is explained in his videos as well. We found it really helpful and it was the starting point towards recovery.
6. Try not to accommodate or reassure him. This will make things worse in the long run.

Wishing you all the best. It’s a horrendous condition for everyone.

@PunchBall yes this is right! I love him to bits but the angry and nastiness I struggle with. Usually 10-15 mins later hes very apologetic but hes already upset me by this point. I find it very hard not to react to his outbursts and also not to go along with the reassurance as this seems to fuel him even more. I have asked him to see someone and he is adamant that its his problem and he doesnt need to see someone. I will watch the videos you have recommended. It is really hard as I cant find anyone who can relate to this. They think it's funny or a bit of a joke but its exhausting! I'm starting to feel like it's the norm even though I know it isn't. Just writing this out is a release of the tension.

I have asked him to see someone and he is adamant that its his problem and he doesnt need to see someone

This is very unfair. How long does he spend checking? You’ve said it’s causing arguments so it must be a significant amount of time.

He’s probably embarrassed about it and might think he’s the only one going through this. Honestly, its so much more common than you think. I hope you can get him to watch some of the videos with you and maybe this will encourage him to get help.

Hi OP, I suffer from mild OCD and mine is also focused on checking everything's switched off and all windows and doors are locked. Bedtime is the worst for us too. I know it is irrational but I am terrified if I don't check everything is off the house will burn down or if the window is open we will be robbed and attacked during the night. Unfortunately going to bed is when these things are checked but that is also when my partner is tired and wants his bed. I try not to keep him up but it literally it takes over, and we have an odd occasion where we snap at each other if he is tired and fed up (generally he is amazingly supportive) and I snap back and get defensive as the whole thing is extremely embarrassing and I just want to think like a normal person.

There are loads of techniques which can help, but honestly I think what works for one person might not work for another and it can be an individual thing rather than one size fits all.

I had CBT therapy which helped incredibly and was given techniques to try. Over time I now manage it much more effectively. But to do this he obviously needs to admit he needs help. My husband enabled me or put up with it thinking he was doing the right thing, but I wish he had encouraged me more to get help quicker but think he was also in denial there was anything wrong. It is hard work but all you can do is keep encouraging him to get professional help.

I remember being so scared but crying with relief in the GP room at finally admitting it out loud and getting some help, if you can get him there he will get the help he needs. Sending hugs xx

@Strangerthingshere your first paragraph is my boyfriend.. worried the house will burn down or someone will break in. He will say to me. Did I lock the door then or have you locked the door. I have tried not answering or answering once but it just turns into an argument no matter what as he then says I'm ignoring him. I definitely dont help the situation as I'm tired and grumpy and just want to sleep. Then I get upset because it sometimes turns nasty and it is a horrible cycle. I just want to think of ways to help him be rational. We have spoke tonight and it's been a good night in terms of his OCD but in a day or two we will be back to normal.

Hi,

I need to find a way to support/help my 18 year old son. He was diagnosed with GAD when he was 13 and he could not attend school throughout Years 10 and 11 (the local authority provided a few hours of home tuition).

Since formally leaving education at 16, he has had no employment, training or education. I have helped him with applications, but he rarely attends any interviews and if he has attended an interview and been offered a job, he has not taken it up.

He will not claim benefits. He says he is ashamed to do so and he can easily find a job (I suspect he knows that he cannot commit to attending the appointments to sign on). He will not see the GP. He says he may wish to join the forces one day and does not want recent MH issues to affect his application. (I suspect he is just scared that the GP will put another demand on his re treatment and therapy).

I desperately need some advice about how to help him. Do I 'get tough' and tell him he needs to find some way of contributing to the household (I live alone with him)? Do I keep up the gentle approach and risk just watching him get more and more unhappy with his isolation and more and more constrained by his rituals?

I am so unhappy for him, but I really do not know what to do anymore.

Whoops, sorry, I meant to start a new thread.