Some stuff in this that I'm typing I'm ashamed for people to read :(
For the past few weeks I've found I really have little to no patience anymore. Before my twins were born earlier this year I would say I was very patient. I can't remember ever losing my patience with my toddler as a baby but today (I'm ashamed to admit it) I raised my voice at one of my twins to be quiet, and my toddler to stop what they were doing.
My husband has commented this weekend on how I'm reacting to my toddler sometimes and said it is really out of character for me.
Normally I don't enjoy the mundane tasks e.g. washing the clothes but I do them when needed. Recently I've just sat on the sofa thinking the washing needs doing and not being able to motivate myself to do it.
I used to enjoy knitting, reading, sudoko, tv... I can't get the motivation to do it, and when I do I can't concentrate. I also have no sex drive at all anymore.
I'm eating a lot, mostly junk. Some days it's a share bag of chocolate a day. I'm overweight but I don't think I'd cope with a diet/stopping.
I started getting annoyed at the twins impact on what I could do with my daughter when I was 6 months pregnant and it's still annoying me, albeit less. I keep having these moments when I look at them and think they're not people. I feel like I'm only just getting a good bond with them, but I'm worried about our future bond still.
I feel very isolated as I'm scared of taking twins and a toddler out. And on the other hand I feel incredibly guilty that my toddler is at home most days of the week. I'm very jealous of the day she gets with my MIL where she gets taken to soft play or the park or even just for a walk.
When the twins were about 12 weeks old they had bad colds and suspected very mild bronchitis I was really paranoid about it and constantly checking they were breathing normally and sending videos to my husband.
I have no trouble getting to sleep at bedtime, but I either wake the next day after an uninterrupted 7-8 hours and feel like I've barely slept, or I'll wake at about 4am and not be able to get back to sleep.
My husband thinks I should be assessed for PND/depression but I'm scared about what will happen if I do. I'm also not sure they'll consider me to have any form of depression as I do get joy from all my children (daily), and I can have fun and feel happy still.
I'm scared for how I'll feel about myself and the reactions of the people around me for even considering it. On the other hand I'm scared this is how I'll be forever and my children will hate me (I'm estranged from my mother, the story of why is a whole other thread, and basically terrified I'll turn into her).
Thank you if you read this far x