I’m not sure why I’m writing really, I guess to be reassured that it’s normal to feel and experience what I do.
3 years ago I was raped by my partner (now ex), he went on to do it several times, eventually I ended it and went to the police. The police were great but after being interviewed I was told he would never be charged due to lack of evidence. As many women know the interview process is horrible, and the questions make you believe you were at fault (due to what you were wearing or what room you were in), since then I have believed that no one believes it ever happened, that I was lying. For a year I slept on the sofa with a baseball bat worried he would come to my house and try to hurt me, I was unable to sleep in my room because it was where it happened and the police treated it as a crime scene, I didn’t feel safe in my own home but could not move due to my children having ASD (it would have upset them too much). He continued to contact me despite him having a restraining order, he even contacted me this year on my birthday to ruin my day. I believe he entered my house several times when I was out, I found his e cig on my property but I didn’t tell anyone as I though people would think I was going crazy.
I try hard to get on with my life and to enjoy life, I have been single ever since but recently got into a relationship but things have gone wrong mainly due to me having flash backs. The smell of alcohol on someone’s breath is a big trigger for me and I tend to stay away from people who have been drinking, so this weekend I cancelled a date with my partner because he decided to go drinking the day before, I didn’t want to spend the day with someone who smells of stale drink because I know it will trigger flash backs, I know this isn’t his problem, it’s mine but it’s caused a whole argument which has ended up triggering all sorts of stuff in my head, the flashbacks, the bad dreams and generally feeling like I’m a weirdo. When I feel like this I can not eat and I can’t go out without feeling really anxious.
I don’t have a diagnosis of PDSD but I work in mental health and know the symptoms, I don’t want to go to the gp to be put on pills, I don’t want to block out what happened because it’s a part of me. In a ideal world I would like people to except that it’s a part of me, that I need to avoid some situations but I know that won’t happen, how can anyone understand unless they have been through similar. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about what happened, like it’s been brushed under the carpet and should be forgotten about, the flash backs and memories are still very real 
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Has anyone else been through similar and recovered? Does it get easier, I mean it’s been 3 years and it still feels like it was yesterday.