Struggling again.

[Letmevanish]

Im struggling again.
I don’t know what I hope to gain from posting here but it helped last time.
I’ve name changed for this as I am just ashamed of the way I feel to be honest.
I’m starting to feel once again like I would be better off just gone. I won’t do anything but I’m scared that I’m one bad down period from actually just doing it. It doesn’t scare me. It feels like it’s the best option. I feel calm when I think about being gone. I feel so angry when I realise I can’t. It would be so very selfish of me to leave my children so I won’t but I’m scared that there will come a point where I feel so bad that I can’t see that anymore.
I’ve spent part of this weekend in my thoughts planning who I need to write letters to and what I need to say. Googling the best pain free ways to die ect and who could look after my children for the weekend so I can carry it out. I thought about doing it ASAP but then I thought that actually my children deserve one last Christmas with us all together before I go so I can make sure I give them the best Christmas of their lives.
I wondered if I maybe just stop paying all my bills and my rent and save the money until the new year I can get them everything they’d need for at least a year or so and pay for a big upcoming school trip.
But then I feel so terrible and struggle to cope with how overwhelmed I’m feeling.
Usually I manage to be the best mum I can be. I’m not perfect but we have what I’d say is a fairly normal life and my children and me are very close. I love them with all that I am and they are fantastic children. I am struggling with negative behaviour at the moment and school issues we are having with bullying. I expect that’s where the negative behaviour is coming from and that makes me feel even worse that I’m struggling. That and the fact that I am more irritable than I’ve ever been and not fun for them at all. I should be strong and the fixer but I just feel so overwhelmed and engulfed.
I’ve recently started counselling and although at the beginning it was great it’s making me feel worse right now. I think this has a part to play in it. I asked my counsellor what is wrong with me. I said that I feel like I must have something seriously wrong with me other than depression and anxiety and I asked him what he thought. He said he didn’t think there was anything more wrong with me. I don’t think I agree. I go from feeling alien to the rest of the world, to wondering if I’m on the autistic spectrum to wondering if I have bi-polar disorder or BPD. Everyone else just seems to get by and although I seem to to everyone else, the battle in my own mind is a daily one. It takes all my energy when I feel low just to function and then I have to give more and I just don’t know how to live the rest of a life like that.
I feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, confused and just so many other things and when I think about another week like this I don’t know how to cope inside my head.
I’m crap.

I'm really sorry to read this Vanish. How are you feeling now?

I don't want to be harsh but the honest truth is your children won't remember the great Christmas only that they lost there mum forever. They will blame it on themselves as young children do and the increased rate of suicide amongst the family is huge.

Writing here shows you want support for you and your family. Please go to the GP and be in front and say you have a plan and a timescale. You will get support quickly. However if you just say you have some depression feelings but it's not all that bad you won't be seen as quick.

You must tell the whole truth like you've done in this post. They won't take the kids away- they're desperate to keep families together.

Please update with how you get on 💕

I felt for years that I was broken in some way. Low confidence and self-esteem will do that to you. In the end I saw a psychiatrist privately who diagnosed ADHD.

I think your counsellor may be trying to prevent you from judging yourself too critically. Speak to your GP about what you are experiencing.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.
I’m honestly feeling much better again now.
I tend to get so low when I’m feeling very overwhelmed but know I wouldn’t act on it. It just sometimes gets scary because I wonder if there will come a time when I don’t feel able to see straight (the not acting on it) when I’m feeling this way.
@PurpleFrames I know. And actually I needed to hear that, thank you. Rent and bills all paid and it’s not a consideration anymore.
I feel so guilty that I get to these low points. I of course don’t share them but it’s so overwhelming!
And now I feel pretty happy again, it’s bizarre.
@BeetrootBasil I’m so pleased you got a name for what you were going through, I bet that was a huge relief for you to know. My youngest DC has a diagnosis of ADHD with sensory processing issues and ASD traits. I sometimes wonder and feel like I’m similar but I would feel ridiculous suggesting it and like I’d be laughed at as I apparently am doing a great job.
It’s not just the emotional stuff, it’s sensory for me too. It’s all the things that make me me. I have taken online tests for Asperger syndrome and they all score very high and say it’s very likely that I’m on the spectrum but then I wonder if maybe anxiety, depression and low self esteem mimic these things I don’t know.
I think so too. He’s really lovely and tries to get me to believe that I’m doing well and that what I feel is normal ect but in my latest session he said that he thinks I would really benefit from ongoing and long term therapy every week and suggested private counselling.
I love the idea but I’m a single mum to 2 DC and it’s just me. I have no parents to help me and no maintenance ect so I just don’t think I can justify it cost wise. I’m torn between thinking it would be incredibly selfish of me to spend on myself like that and thinking well actually it would benefit my DC aswel.
I feel so anxious about the idea of the change to a new person but I think I could deal with that but it would be the change of location I’d struggle with too I think. I really struggle with change. I don’t know why. I like change as in personal growth but struggle with physical change and change to routine. That alone can put me into a downward spiral.
I always struggle so much internally at the start of my DC new school year with a new school teacher and changes of school ect. I even feel overwhelmed when the supermarket move things around 😂 I’ve memorised all the locations and prices of everything and it makes me feel safe.
I must sound ridiculous!
It’s all internal though and that’s what I struggle with the most I think. I go around thinking I’m strange and broken and feel things that normal people don’t whilst maintaining this picture to the world that I’m ok. That I’m finding things easy and that I’ve got it all together.
Life’s so tough inside your head isn’t it!
I spoke with my counsellor in the latest session about the fact that it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.