Will I be self harming forever?

[CrazyKittenSmile]

I have been self harming since my teens, about 17 years. It used to be fairly superficial but in the last two years it has become more serious to where I am needing stitches every time, I’ve been to A&E 24 times in as many months.

My mood fluctuates and I will have months where I don’t self harm at all, but then things will start to get on top of me and it feels like it’s always my fallback. Having not self harmed since June I’m back in A&E tonight. It just feels like this will always be my go to when things get hard and I feel stuck in a cycle I can’t get out of.

I have had therapy (CAT) and tried anti-depressants (sertraline) but neither helped in the long term. I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to stop this or if I just need to accept that this will forever be my coping mechanism.

Has anybody been able to stop self harming as an adult? Or should I just accept this is always going to happen?

I’m sorry, OP. Being diagnosed with BPD and then having DBT therapy helped me hugely to stop patterns of self destructive behaviour I’d lived unhappily with from my teens. So I do believe it’s possible to change. My therapist has also said it’s possible to rewire the brain in a way, to change the way your mind works through training/practice. It’s bloody hard work but it’s possible. Thinking of you, hope you’re ok.

You are doing super well to go weeks and months without self harming.

Do you have support from your GP or other long term support? Do you not get follow ups from a&e attendance?

I have been self harming on and off since I was in infant school. I struggle with less than daily.

Thank you. I don’t really have any GP support, every time I make an appointment they just suggest antidepressants but I don’t feel depressed and to be honest they didn’t particularly help me when I went on them previously. The therapy did help but they could only provide 20 sessions and then had to discharge me as that’s all the NHS can offer in my area. I can’t afford to continue privately, my therapist charges £90 a session!

I was referred to a psychiatrist last year who assessed me, referred me to a self-help group for people with personality disorders (she thought I had BPD, although I don’t think I really fit the criteria) that takes place miles from where I live (I don’t drive) in the middle of a weekday (I don’t drive) so that wasn’t much help. I was then discharged from the mental health service.

Unfortunately I feel like the only serious symptom I have is self harm. I have bouts of low mood and some anxiety, but it is manageable. I don’t think I meet the threshold for any of the help available, even in periods where I’ve been self harming daily I’m still able to make it into work and function outwardly.

I guess in that way I’m lucky that I’m able to hold it together, but then I get so overwhelmed with doing so and start to feel like this will never end. It feels hopeless and in some ways the fact I don’t think I’m at rock bottom makes it feel even more hopeless, like this is the price of being okay.

I once had a therapist tell me I ‘could’ be diagnosed with borderline but I said no on the basis of the stigma and I didn’t think it would help.

OP I hear you. First self harmed at 13, which is 17 years ago. When life is going well I can do it now, I went 18 months between Nov 2017 to May 2019.

I think it will always be part of my life. But actually I’m ok with that. My logic is that I’ll keep gunning for longer and longer stretches between bouts and one day it’ll just be a rare visitor not a presence.

Sorry, that’s not very helpful, but I feel you. 5 months since the last one for me. Maybe it’s like alcoholics - you’re never not an alcoholic again but you can aim to be a former alcoholic?

I really think you should go back to your GP. I don’t mean to sound glib or obvious but it isn’t ok that you self harm every day. Imagine if a friend was holding it together but you knew they drank/did drugs/self harmed every day. You would be concerned for them and worried about how they will carry on. Being able to hold it together is a start, OP, but you deserve better, to be happy and not to feel reliant on self harm to cope with life. I don’t mean to sound tactless as I know how sensitive and vulnerable I have felt about these issues, but I’m also trying to be direct.
I don’t fit some of the well know BPD criteria (eg not a victim of childhood abuse), but regardless of diagnosis I found the approach of dbt very helpful. I’d try to get to that group, even if it means having to get a letter from gp to give your work and taking bus, if possible... There is obviously something underlying that is making it hard for you to be happy, as it’s not ok for you to be in this position. You don’t want the rest of your life to be like this, honestly it is worth trying to change things. Doesn’t mean everything will be easy and you won’t feel that way again, but you do deserve better and you have everything to try for. Unmumsnetty x