I have failed at life, I just want my misery to end.

[aneedtochange]

When I was younger I had a dream of being an amazing mum, wife, I wanted to be a teacher and do amazing things. My story didn't turn out that way. I want to change my life but so many things have built up I can't ever imagine getting out of this mess.

I gave birth in 2012 to my gorgeous little girl. When she turned 18 months old, I caught her dad coming home in the middle of the night after he'd snuck out to sleep with someone else. He told me he didn't love me anymore and that was that. We decided to move away from the area and give things ago for my daughters sake. The day I moved in to my new house he left and told me he couldn't do it. A few weeks after this I got TONS of debt letters in my name. He'd not been paying the rent on our old house (which was in my name) council tax you name it he wasn't paying it. He always finished work before me and managed to hide all the letters.
I struggled with living on my own for the first time in my adult life was single for 3 and a half years after this. I got myself further and further into debt. I almost lost my job and depression kicked in. I ended up having to move back to my mum and dads house with my little girl and start again. I left my old job got a new one, eventually got my own house again. I didn't learn my lesson with house hold debt and just avoided every single situation. I managed to find myself a boyfriend. We planned on moving into a new home together. History repeated its self 4 days after we moved in. It came about he cheated. I took him back and he did it again. All this time I was so unsure about everything I continued to claim tax credits. Needing to keep my head above water. I did come clean to them and told them exactly whats been going on. They were lovely to me. which only makes me feel worse. I WANT to be a good mum. A good role model. I am still with my partner and although he is doing everything he can I'm always going to have the doubt in my head. I can't seem to move on from any of this. I can't sleep at night, I'm struggling to eat. My minds constantly occupied with fear. I Need help but I don't know where to start.

Someone wiser than me will be along with good advice - just wanted to offer a virtual hug and tell you there’s a way forward. I did a CAP course some years ago on financial management and getting out of debt. It was non-judgmental and brilliant. Google CAP money course. xx

@greenflamingo. I will definatly look at that. I just feel like I'm one bad day away from completely giving up on myself. I can't live like this anymore. Ive been taking these Valariun Tablets from holland and barret to help with my anxiety. They seem to calm me down but aren't dealing with the root cause of why I am the way I am. I just make fuck up after fuck up. I had to take 3 days off work last week because I couldn't face leaving my house. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Get rid of your partner, he doesn't care about you.
Don't get with another man for a good couple of years, use the time to concentrate on your child and bettering your situation. Perhaps take up a course, get some qualifications etc.

You can improve your situation starting with getting rid of your partner. You honestly won't ever experience that happiness you want unless he's gone.

Oh love, it sounds like you feel pretty hopeless - but your situation can and will change. And your little one loves you so much. I hope you find someone to talk to in real life and that CAP is useful - I think they have a helpline too. You can do this. You really can! xxx

I would be depressed after all those things had happened to me - they’re not your fault, it’s just a really shitty run of awful luck. My little girl is the same age as yours and the thought of her not having a mummy breaks my heart. Even if I had done something absolutely awful I know she would still want me around,

You’ve been a single mum and it’s taken everything out of you to get back on track after your ex left you in the shit. It’s not your fault that it happened again, you were just completely exhausted and spent. But I can’t tell that you are strong and resilient when your mental health hasn’t been battered.

Valerian is not enough; you need some proper support (counselling) and medication and gradually, very gradually, the fog will lift.

Your daughter needs you so much. Please try and get some help for her, if not for you x

I mean I CAN tell that you are strong and resilient.

Go to see your GP. You need help and it is easier than you think to access it. I am more than happy to admit that had I not been prescribed ads this time last year, I doubt very much that I’d be here.

I have seen the devastation left by those who can’t carry on, and I knew I had to do something.

Good luck.

You haven't failed, because life isn't a test. We are all just doing the best we can and sometimes that looks bloody messy, which is what you are facing right now. Just take a moment (or however many moments you need) to look after yourself right now in whatever way you can. Medication, therapy, time in nature, get rid of those who are abusing you, just learn to trust and love yourself again. You can do this.

Good Morning everyone. Thank You for all your replies yesterday. I did see them but didn't have the chance to respond. So Ive made a decision that I'm going to sort myself out. Im going to register at the doctors tomorrow before I go to work ( I don't even have a doctor at the moment) I know Im feeling much better today but thats to say tomorrow I could feel terrible, so I'm going to do it. I spoke to a teacher at my daughters school this morning and I have a meeting with her after school about them supporting me in becoming a TA. I mean its not a teacher but its a good place to start. I know it will take me a year or so to be fully qualified but I'm ready to put the hard work in to better my life. I just can't give up and think this was what I was put on this earth for. My little girl deserves a good happy life and a happy and healthy mummy and I'm going to be the one to give it to her. no matter what it takes. I hope I can pull myself out of this rut I've been in for so many years. Fingers crossed.

Just to add to this I have received another letter In the post today from my ex's council tax debt dated 2013!!! ugh.

It’s so good to hear you sound so much more positive. We all have down days where everything looks hopeless, but it passes.

Good luck with registering with the gp.

Well done, this is a great start. I told you you were resilient! Can you get yourself down to the Citizens Advice Bureau to talk about your ex’s debts?

Glad you feel more positive OP. Even people who look like they have it all together feel like they have failed and fucked up a lot of the time. Parenting is hard without all that has been thrown at you (through no fault of your own).

It strikes me that if you get together a manageable debt recovery plan, ditch your credit cards, seek counselling/see your GP and work towards your dream of being a TA (after which you could eventually ‘upgrade’ to being a teacher) you will feel so much better about things. You don’t have to have everything sorted, you just need to get yourself on the right path

And to your little girl you are perfect, remember that. (Please ditch your cheating partner though).