Yesterday was my birthday. My partner so kindly , and surprisingly, organised a birthday get together at home for me. He tagged me in a post on Facebook asking for some friends to come along. I've not been on Facebook for a month so didn't see it. I still haven't. No friends came which doesn't surprise me at all. If I was dead, 'friends' would have no idea cos I don't see anyone. However the few family members who did turn up really surprised me as I wasn't expecting it.
When it finished my partner was clearly gutted that no friends came. I said I was surprised that it even occured at all and was so thankful at the effort he went to to organise it. I cried because I wasn't doing anything for my birthday.
Now today my already feelings of loneliness and isolation and not being cared about have been made worse from yesterday. I couldn't even get any family help when I haemorrhaged twice when my baby was 1 week and 2 weeks old so I go to hospital as advised by a hospital midwife. I felt so let down, I wanted to haemorrhage to death or at least pass out and need a blood transfusion. I still hold anger about it now. So if I can't get support in times of crisis then it's no surprise really that that happened yesterday.
It has made me feel suicidal. I've just started DBT and I'm supposed to splash cold water on my face when feeling like this but I feel like it's hiding the problem. I'd rather tackle it by some sort of selfharm or overdose to prove that no-one cares and hardly anyone would come to my funeral.
I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe just someone to talk to. I hate burdening my partner all the time when I feel like this.