Please help, I am so worried about my relationship with DD.(long)

[oneplusone]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, please feel free to tell me if there's somewhere better.

I feel very concerned and worried about my relationship with my DD who is just 4. It seems that I get angry with her all the time for anything and everything she does and I know that probably around 95% of the time it is not justified and it's actually me and how I'm feeling inside rather than her and anything she has done.

She is essentially a very, sweet, thoughtful and loving little girl but I can't seem to see her like this and I just seem to find her annoying and irritating all the time.

I feel I have a lot of anger stored up inside me towards her and I wonder if it is to do with the fact that when I became pregnant with her it was a complete shock to me and it was essentially an unplanned pregnancy. I remember feeling numb and in shock throughout the whole pregnancy and never really felt excited or pleased or happy to be having a baby. When she was born I know I didn't bond with her instantly, again I just kind of felt numb.

Looking back now I think I might have had ante-natal and post-natal depression and I feel that although she is now 4, I am still affected by the fact that I just wasn't ready to have a baby when I had her.

What makes it worse is that since having DD I have had DS who is now 15 months. By contrast he was very much planned and very much wanted; I suffered no depression either during the pregnancy or afterwards and I feel very very strongly bonded with him and I simply do not feel the same bond with DD and that is what really worries and depresses me as I don't want to feel like this about her and I'm worried for the future. I seem to have no patience or feel any warmth towards DD and yet at the same time I have endless patience and am always very warm and loving with DS.

Also when I was pregnant with DD absolutely everyone around me was convinced she was a boy and I secretly very much wanted a boy although I never admitted it at the time and so, awful as it is to admit, I was slightly disappointed that she was a girl. Whereas with DS, when I had the 20 week scan where we found out that he was a boy, I actually cried with relief that I wasn't having another girl. Don't ask me why I so wanted to have boys, I don't know myself.

After having yet another go at DD, every day I tell myself that tomorrow will be different and I will not unjustifiably tell her off etc but I find myself doing the same thing again.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive dad and a weak, uncaring mother. I am receiving counselling for this and feel I have resolved a lot of issues from my childhood but wonder if my childhood is still somehow affecting my relationship with DD.

I'm sorry this post is so long and thank you if have read it til the end. I would very much appreciate any advice or tips or even any links to other websites that may have information for me on how to deal with this issue. I almost feel I am at the point where i need to seek professional help as i'm worried I'm damaging DD's self esteem and also ruining our relationship for now and the future.

It is easy to beat up on yourself, but the fact that you have seen this, that you care enough to want to change it means you do care for her more than you can see. I had a very different situation, but I also had difficulty bonding with my son. As others have said, you can come through this, and life gets so much better for everyone when you do. It is great to hear that you have had a good day putting so much of this great advice to work.

If you still have some bad days, don't beat yourself up about them. Take a deep breath and start again. You are so brave to post here, and it's awesome to see all the support you have been getting. Hang in there! big hugs

1+1 you could almost be writing about me, expect my 2nd DC is 13mths & a girl.

Sometimes, in the past, I've congratulated myself on how little time I've spent with DD1 & that's just terrible. DD2 on the other hand, is just such a sweet lttle thing, I'm always telling her how much I love her.

I'd also be horrified if DD1 knew this - I don't love her any less, I just find her such hard work at times.

I've been reading Raising Happy Kids, by Steve Biddulph & that's given me some really good hints, ones that have worked.

Instead of shouting, or getting cross, I am trying to cuddle more & be softer - in fact Steve Biddulph talks about soft love.

How does your DH get on with her ?

Hi, Mojomummy, yes, I know the feeling of trying to 'get away' from DD and wanting to spend as little time with her as possible and almost having to tear myself away from DS to give DD some attention and resenting having to do that at the same time.

But, it's almost as if facing my demons has scared them away, at the risk of sounding corny. I couldn't admit my feelings to anyone, even myself, but since my initial post on here things seemed to have miraculously improved and I'm convinced it's because I finally admitted my admitted my feelings (to myself and to MN!). And hearing about others who are in the same boat helps so much too.

We have had a good few days now, and DD is still whingy at times but I don't find myself hating her for it which is pretty much how I felt before. I just accept it as part of her and it seems to make it easier.

Also, DD seems to be a lot easier going and I'm sure that is also because of me. The way my own moods are so intertwined with the DC's is amazing (and scary!).

DH is good with both DC's but I can tell he does also find DD much harder work and more iritating (sp?) and there was a time when I was hoping DD would be a daddy's girl so I wouldn't have to try and bond with her myself as it seemed just such an impossible task, again what a terrible thing to admit but it's the truth. Or it was, not anymore, I'm very happy to say.

I very much hope reading and posting on this thread helps everyone else in this situation as much as me.

Glad you are feeling better.

I was thinking about it last night & realised that I am with her, a bit like my dad was with me - very short tempered, snappy etc. It was horrible for me when I was little & my mum & I would get so excited if we came home & his van wasn't there.

Sometimes when I shout, it's almost as though it's him.

Agree it's such a relief to get it out - try the book as well - it's very easy to read.

I'm also on a wait list for counselling, so will be interesting to see what comes out of that.

Me too Mojomummy, I feel I treat her the same way as my dad treated me and I hate him now, haven't seen him for a year and don't intend to see him for the rest of my life. He was much worse though towards me than I am to DD, it wasn't just snappy and shouty, it was a whole lot worse which I won't go into here.

I have read enough about teh subject of dysfunctional families to know that unfortunately the bad behaviour treatment is passed down unless the cycle is broken and having counselling definatley helps with that.

But also in my case the fact that DD was unplanned and that i really really wanted a boy was also a big factor.

Glad things have improved for you 1+1, I could have written most of your original post. I think that childhood has a lot to do with how you are with your children and also how your life was when you conceived/gave birth. I stuggled to bond with DS1 and still sometimes find him hard to deal with/understand. DS2 on the otherhand was an absolute joy to me and I bonded immediately with him. Another reason I think is the fact that DS1 is very like me in personality and therefore we clash, however I now know that just because we don't always get along it doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him just as much as I do DS2 and make sure I tell him every day. I try to take each day as it comes and do my best with both boys, some days are good and some are not and I have learned to accept that. I still have guilt but I can't change the past, only the future.

From what I've read (i.e. skimming), could you be treating your dd as if she were you in your child hood? Are you annoyed with yourself rather than her? Sorry if that sounds totally rubbish - just a thought

hi
having had yet another bad day with dd i came on to mumsnet for some advice and got it on this thread!!
i was sooo close to dd before i had dds (difficult pregnancy in hospital for 6 wks and felt like i came home to a differant dd) now i have no patiance find her irratating and mithery i just wish see would leave me alone sometimes so i push her away all the time
then lay awake at night worrying about it so the next day iam tired and grumpy i know the postive parenting etc but find it really hard to praise her whereas ds get it all the time
she just seems to want my attention all the time whereas ds will play as shes nearly 6 its from 8am till about 8.30 pm a long day i find she moans all the time but i guess she gets that from me!!
have read the advice and will try to act postive towards her