Please help, I am so worried about my relationship with DD.(long)

[oneplusone]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, please feel free to tell me if there's somewhere better.

I feel very concerned and worried about my relationship with my DD who is just 4. It seems that I get angry with her all the time for anything and everything she does and I know that probably around 95% of the time it is not justified and it's actually me and how I'm feeling inside rather than her and anything she has done.

She is essentially a very, sweet, thoughtful and loving little girl but I can't seem to see her like this and I just seem to find her annoying and irritating all the time.

I feel I have a lot of anger stored up inside me towards her and I wonder if it is to do with the fact that when I became pregnant with her it was a complete shock to me and it was essentially an unplanned pregnancy. I remember feeling numb and in shock throughout the whole pregnancy and never really felt excited or pleased or happy to be having a baby. When she was born I know I didn't bond with her instantly, again I just kind of felt numb.

Looking back now I think I might have had ante-natal and post-natal depression and I feel that although she is now 4, I am still affected by the fact that I just wasn't ready to have a baby when I had her.

What makes it worse is that since having DD I have had DS who is now 15 months. By contrast he was very much planned and very much wanted; I suffered no depression either during the pregnancy or afterwards and I feel very very strongly bonded with him and I simply do not feel the same bond with DD and that is what really worries and depresses me as I don't want to feel like this about her and I'm worried for the future. I seem to have no patience or feel any warmth towards DD and yet at the same time I have endless patience and am always very warm and loving with DS.

Also when I was pregnant with DD absolutely everyone around me was convinced she was a boy and I secretly very much wanted a boy although I never admitted it at the time and so, awful as it is to admit, I was slightly disappointed that she was a girl. Whereas with DS, when I had the 20 week scan where we found out that he was a boy, I actually cried with relief that I wasn't having another girl. Don't ask me why I so wanted to have boys, I don't know myself.

After having yet another go at DD, every day I tell myself that tomorrow will be different and I will not unjustifiably tell her off etc but I find myself doing the same thing again.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive dad and a weak, uncaring mother. I am receiving counselling for this and feel I have resolved a lot of issues from my childhood but wonder if my childhood is still somehow affecting my relationship with DD.

I'm sorry this post is so long and thank you if have read it til the end. I would very much appreciate any advice or tips or even any links to other websites that may have information for me on how to deal with this issue. I almost feel I am at the point where i need to seek professional help as i'm worried I'm damaging DD's self esteem and also ruining our relationship for now and the future.

Don't beat yourself up 1+1. I've been having shouting sessions at my DS also 4. Am sure it is because they are at home during the summer. The situation will probably change once the hols are over and they go back to school.

How about getting DH to babysit DS while you take DD out and do something that you both enjoy doing together.

I think you need to talk to someone about this. Have you told anyone else?

When I started reading you post I was going to suggest counselling and I see you are already doing this. Have your sessions touched on your relationship with your dd? I'm no professional but it's likely your past may be affecting things now.

I know it may not feel like it, but you are doing the right things - seeking counselling, facing up to problems, posting on here - even just worrying about your relationship is a good sign.

Hope someone comes along soon with specific advice - good luck.

Positive thinking.
Imagine in your head a typical scenario with your dd. See how she behaves and how you would normally react to her. Analyse how that makes you both feel.
Now replay that scenario but this time choose a different reaction. Then analyse your feelings after that.

With each scenario you have a choice of reactions. If you replay the positive reactions in your head then you are more likely to react in this way when that scenario actually occurs.

Many sportspeople do the same thing. They imagine the sports event in their heads and they imagine every movement they make, they imagine themselves winning. This has been found to work in the majority of cases.

Don't give up, you'll have setbacks but each you do, replay the incident and then give it a different ending in your head. Pretty soon it will start to work. Once you change your attitude your feelings towards your dd will also change.

Sometimes I am too shouty and irritable with ds1 particularly in the run up to bedtime but I always ensure that I cuddle him at bedtime/story time and tell him I love him as he is laying down to go to sleep, it eases my conscience [.

Hi oneplusone,
First of all, I think it's great that you can actually see what's happening in your relationship with your DD and that you want to fix it. That's half the battle over with. You know there is a problem and it sounds like you're taking steps to improve the situation. It sounds like spending some proper one-on-one time with your DD whilst someone else is with your DS would be one way of helping.

I'm sure there are methods you can use as well that will stop you losing your temper with your DD unnecessarily (although we all do it at times!)... I can't really offer any concrete advice as I've not been in this situation but I'm sure someone will come on soon who can give you some proper pointers and I've no doubt you're not alone in this situation.

Good luck. The fact that you obviously care so much about your DD's future and how your behaviour affects her already shows that you must love her a great deal, even though it mightn't always feel like it.

MM X

Rhubarb's advice sounds excellent.

Thank you for all your posts.

I haven't told anyone else about this, not even DH, usually I tell him everything, but this seems to be so awful that I can't admit it to anyone.

I know probably everyone shouts etc at their kids sometimes, but even when I'm not shouting I just feel so disconnected from DD, I feel almost like sometimes I am looking after someone else's child and that she's not actually mine. I know that sounds bizarre and awful, especially to all of you who don't feel this way.

Rhubarb, your suggestion sound really good and I am definately going to try it. I do think the long summer hols are not helping at all. I did think some one to one time would help so I managed to find someone to babysit DS and took DD out for the day. But it was just the same as it is at home, she was whinging all day for an ice-cream which I was willing to buy for her but we just happened to be in an area where there were no ice cream sellers and so she whinged and I got really p**d off with her.

I feel we're in a vicious circle where my behaviour towards her makes her act up even more so I get even more wound up by her and she then acts up more and it just goes on. Even if we're out for the day with friends, she manages to wind me up.

My counsellor is only trained to specifically deal with my childhood issues and although we have touched on my relationship with DD I don't think it's something I will be covering with him.

The thing that scares me most is just how detached I feel from her, eg if she falls over and hurts herself and is crying I could easily just walk away, of course I don't but I don't feel anything inside whereas if the same were to happen with DS I would go running.

Also, as I feel so differently about DS I do wonder if the childhood issues are affecting me or is the fact that it was an unplanned pregnancy? I am going to talk about all this with my counsellor when I next see him, I feel so strongly that this is not how I should be feeling about DD and I have to do something about it.

Thank you so much for all your posts, I hesitated even before posting as I was so scared of being condemned for feeling this way.

Hi 1+1

Just a thought that popped into my head reading your OP. We have an inbuilt desire to treat our children fairly and equally and be even-handed. Yet our children will all have hugely different personalities and we will interact with each one differently.

I truly believe that I love both my DCs equally, yet I know that I am nicer to my DS because he is nicer to me. DD shouts at me and is more naughty.

My solution to this was to make sure that every month or so, I have time with each child individually, out of the home. Just going for a walk or lunch or whatever so that we all have a chance to build individual relationships away from the family dynamic. Just really so that she knows how much I love her.

I do think that you have taken some big steps by admitting it to yourself and talking about it on here. I think that, and your feelings of concern, are the first steps maybe in starting to be open to feeling more for your dd.

I wonder if going back to your GP might help? Maybe, I don't know, anti-depressants might help, or they may be able to refer you for more specific help such as cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you get strategies to deal with your thoughts and actions in a different way....I'm sure you're so right, that it's a negative spiral at the moment, that your dd's behaviour reflects the situation.

But I do think your posts here and your thoughts on this matter are your first step on the way to improving the situation for you.

And you may be able to accept feeling differently about them, just so long as you feel BETTER about her. Funnily enough I was reading an article recently about mothers and sons, and Lesley Garrett the opera singer explained her feelings really well, she has a son and daughter. She said when she had her son, it was all powerful, her passionate love for him just knocked her over. She said with her daughter it was more like recognising herself.

oneplusone, if your DH is a good DH then he will appreciate you telling him and will unerstand that it took courage to do so. Sharing it with him will help enourmously. Don't keep it in as you then reinforce the problem.

You must bring it out at counselling too, you sound like a wonderful mum who, by the very fact she is worried about this stuff, is determined to improve life for everyone.

I could have written a similar post a few years back. It is important that you spend time, preferably out of the house, doing something you both enjoy so that you appreciate each other for that moment. When times next get tough, the happy time you spent will come back to you and serve as both a reminder that you are not a bad mum and that she is loveable.

It doesn't matter what you do, just do something together, without pressure of squeezing something else in and without nagging her. Let her lead, if she takes too long to get to the bus and you miss it, you miss it. You can look in the shop windows and fantasy buy/fantasy dress up until the next one comes - that kind of stuff, does that make sense?

One thing that I really enjoyed was when my kitchen was getting a new floor and I couldn't do anything I needed to. Couldn't cook, coudn't do laundry etc, etc. House was a pigsty of mess and dust etc. I took my DD1 off for lunch in a local cafe. Great food (happy me) and we took her book (she was 5 at the time and just getting into slightly bigger chapter books). I had nothing to do but focus on having a happy time with her, she sat on my knee and we read loads of it. It was a simple outing but lots of fun and the important bit was that I was relaxed and not telling her to hurry up or that we had to go.

typing fast, crap spelling

Hi 1+1
I can identify with your worries.
I have had many issues with my dd (who has always been a very challenging/defiant child)- and am very aware that ds gets a far more positive response (generally speaking) -largely because he wants to please, and is very sensitive - the 'perfect peter' of the house. The catch22 is all too apparent.
They are very different characters - and sometimes, in all honesty one type of character will 'fit' with you better.
Obviously I have been worried about this tho, and have tried all sorts of techniques with dd, and have often felt very stressed/depressed many times about our relationship.
www.parentlineplus.org.uk/ offer a counselling service - and can do phone chats on a regular basis - which may be helpful.
I think it is human nature that we all get on with different types of personality, but as parents we have to be everything to everyone.
You obviously care deeply and are really trying your best, sometimes though we all need a bit more help and support.
hth

can I just pick up on the whiney thing too.
I think you are doing so well to realise what is happening and to be seeringly honest about it. I admire that.
I have found that when I start the day in a bad mood my children seem magically to misbehave.
Of course that is not what is happening. I thought about it like this. If my DH came home and I whinged about him being late and something that he had not done and bitched about the children would he then smile back and me and kiss me and be lovely.
Your DD is whineing because she is in the crap and she does not know why.
When I am having a crap day I catch myself really quickly and say " sorry kids, I'm having a grumpy day, you are fine" .
I then try and do something that is nice for all of us - even if it is just a favorite film and popcorn. And I tell them how much I love them and how great they are etc. generally a bloody Waltons episode.
I think you should see someone but don't forget that these feelings can become just habit. try and remind yourself of her nice qualities and mention them . Just saying these things out loud helps.
Once when i was really stuck I said " look, haven't you brushed your hair nicely" barrel scrapingly awaful but she was really pleased.
Perhaps you have let yourself get into the habit of being negative around her but please don't let yourself believe that it isn't a habit you can break. If you can be nice to her , however awkward it feels, I bet you get that reflected back at you .
the fact that you care about her is evident from the fact that you even posted her.

Hi I went through a stage feeling similar to you about my ds1. I decided to myself that if I felt differently about my boys that was OK and not to be helped as long as the boys themselves never ever knew or could guess by my actions. So I acted. I acted the patience, warmth etc that I felt towards ds2 to ds1. I honestly don't think ds1 realised that sometimes my 'love' was acted and not deeply felt.

The magic was that by acting love I actually started feeling it for real. Now 8 years later I find it unbelievable that I could ever have felt so 'unbonded' with ds1 and my 2 gorgeous boys are both as deeply part of my being as each other.

Yes, I lost my patience with ds1 at times and I found he hit all the irritation buttons far more than ds2 but I honestly don't think my very late bonding with him has made him any less happy, sorted or confident than his brother.

I'm a regular but using an alias for obvious reasons. I had a similar relationship with my DD1. In my case she was a desperately wanted baby we waited a long time for, plus I always wanted a little girl. My trigger was DH working long hours as a lorry driver. It was years before I made the connection between his call to say he wouldn't be coming home and coming off the phone to scream at DD.

Everyone else told me how lovely she was but 5 minutes with her and I was climbing the walls. I used to do that telling myself tomorrow would be different and it never was.

I eventually asked the HV to refer me to the Child Guidance clinic and we had family counselling. Also SS got involved and paid for her to go to nursery for one day a week to give me a break from her.

Our relationship didn't actually recover until she went to secondary school and then we had 6 reasonable years with her before she left home to live with her boyf. We don't have the relationship I'd hoped for but she doesn't seem to have been too scathed by her early years and is reasonably well adjusted. She doesn't seem to bear a grudge either, but is adamant she doesn't want children, so who knows.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling like this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Forget what I said and do what shimmy says !

Thank you once again for all your posts, I'm sitting here crying with relief that it's not only me and I'm not some sort of freak for feeling this way. I am so sorry though that there are others who feel/have also felt this way as it is a terrible thing to have inside you.

Just getting my feelings out on here has helped enormously, I have kept them inside for so long, it was tearing me up inside.

I am going to take some time to re-read and digest all that you've said as I've something helpful and valuable in all of them when I had a quick read just now. What shimmy said has really struck a chord, I also act how I want to feel or how I know I should be feeling and usually, although not always I'm sure DD hasn't got a clue how I actually feel inside. But then I worry that my acting is not good enough and that DD can see through it, as just from having my 2 DC I can see just how they pick up on feelings/stress etc in an instant without even a word being said.

I did mention fairly recently to my DH that I didn't feel that I had bonded instantly with DD in the same way that I had with DS and he seemed really surprised to hear me say that. Perhaps my acting had fooled him anyway. I am definately going to explain to him exactly how I have been feeling, but might leave it a few days, I feel quite raw emotionally and I need to just get myself together a bit before I even feel I can explain all this to him properly.

I was thinking this afternoon that I feel like I am meeting my DD's material and physical needs ie food, clothing etc but not her emotional needs ie love, nurturing, caring and that is exactly how I felt growing up in my dysfunctional family, none of my emotional needs were met and it does make me feel there is a connection between my childhood and my relationship with DD.

Thanks once again, I feel soooo much more positive about this right now, especially hearing about all of you who have overcome this issue.

oneplusone, well done to facing up to your feelings like this. You obviously love your DD to want to sort out your relationship and that's a great start.
In a perfect life we would all love our children equally but few people will admit that this doesn't always come naturally.
I've got a DD and DS, both of whom I love desparately. But still feel I treat them differently and show my love to them differently. For instance, I really feel I need to "care" for my DS, that he can't look after himself. I feel a buzz of pride when I look at him. Whereas with DD, I'm much more - well, she'll have to learn to look after herself / stop herself crying / just ignore her etc. I think this is because I see her as a mini me and this is how I have to act. & When I look at her I just feel sad that she looks like me!

I don't have any childhood issues to make me feel like this & I'm still 100% bonded with both my DCs. I think its just a mother / daughter thing. With your background and delayed bonding, perhaps this normal difference has gone too far. Certainly having some counselling could may help to understant the situation and that's the first step to changing it.

Good Luck, I'm sure you can improve things.

1 plus 1, shimmy's advice is spot on. You have this thought in your head that says, I don't bond with dd, I don't care for her, I don't meet her emotional needs - and you play it over and over. Is it true? No, it's not true, you care very much. So play in your head, I love dd, we have a great bond, I can meet her needs.

Do what Rhubarb says, play in your head scenarios where you deal with a problem well. But also play in your head the two of you just hanging out, maybe going shopping or reading or cooking, no ds about. Picture you laughing and being happy together.

I haven't had this with a dc but I have about another family member. Your thoughts do become a habit, and when you question them (is it true that he's this, that I'm that?) you realise that it isn't true and you've just been listening to the tape recorder in your head. You can switch it off and play another story, and as has been said when you act differently, people resond in a different way to you and you find yourself much happier, more fulfilled and at peace.

Good luck xxx

One - I'd like to say thank you to you for having the courage to start this thread.

I am in a similar situation, unplanned pregnancy, assumed I was having a son but had DD. I've never felt fully committed to my daughter tho I'm sure I love her. I do struggle to deal with her when she is whiney or just tired and often have to leave the room. I recognise the feelings of being able to walk away when she is upset rather than comforting her.

I am contemplating counselling now to deal with my family history. I have difficulty on letting people close to me especially those with the ability to hurt me and I suspect this is why my relationship with DD is so difficult. I have always said sorry to DD if I feel that I have overreacted and this has benefited me hugely as DD will always say sorry when she recognises that I am hurt.

I hope things improve for you and please let us know how you get on.

Hi all, I've spent the whole day out with the kids today. The kids were their usual selves but I felt so different. I have, thanks to all your posts, accepted that it is ok to love both my DC's equally but differently and to perhaps 'like' one DC's personality more than the other's simply because it is a personality type that I like in general and in people other than my children.

I have been trying out this new way of thinking and trying to think much more positively about my relationship with DD and it seems to have made a difference for today at least. DD was her usual self, at times lovely and at times not so lovely, but I just tried to accept her as she was and not let the not so nice behaviour wind me up. I have always tended to let her morning whinging and crying set the tone for the day and I tended to be p*d off with her for the whole day based on the morning but today I was somehow able to stay calm through the whinging and not let it ruin the rest of the day. Perhaps today was better because I felt so much better since reading all your comments yesterday so I shall have to wait and see how the next few weeks go.

I think the thing that has helped the most is just knowing that I am not the only one to feel like this and that it doesn't make me a bad mother and just being able to accept my feelings has made all the difference it seems. I'm not sure if I will ever bond with DD in the same way that I feel bonded with DS, as I think and have heard that bonding in the very first few minutes, hours and weeks with your new baby is crucial and if that intial bonding did not take place at that time, it is actually very difficult to create that bond later. I'm only speaking for myself here but I do think that theory is true in my case, for a number of reasons I failed to bond with DD instantly and I think now it is a case of having to work very hard to create a bond which I am more than prepared to do but I do fear that it will never be the same kind of bond that I have with DS. But I can accept that now, which I couldn't before and realise that most importantly it doesn't mean I love DD any less than DS.

I hope DD has no clue about how I feel regarding the bonding issue and most likely she doesn't. But she is a very bright young girl and I do worry that somehow my true feelings will be apparent to her, bowever much I try and act etc. It would break my heart if she ever felt I loved her less than DS, I love them both the same but I find it easier to be affectionate towards DS than DD and again I feel this is due to the bonding issue.

But, I do feel today that I have reached a turning point and that things will improve from hereonin (is that a word?!) and I feel much less worried for the future of my relationship with DD.

I am so glad I posted about this issue, it almost feels like a taboo subject but I'm sure there are many people who feel like me but dare not say anything which is exactly how I felt.

what a great post oneplusone.

I think you have most definitely bonded with your dd, just totally differently than with your ds. A while back I read a book in which a mother was explaining how she practically hated her children until they were somewhere around 8/9 years old and that was her favourite age. It made me realise that we probably all have an age that we prefer. For me, it was age 2.5/3 with my DD1, we really became a partnership and I adored her company. For my DTs........I'm still waiting

You are doing just fine. Keep this thread, you might come back to it again and again.

Hi, frumpygrumpy (that describes me too btw!), today was another good day, and it's definately because my attitude and thought pattern has changed, the kids are the same as they always are.

Just being able to accept that my feelings for DD are different but just as strong as those for DS has made all the difference and I don't feel bad about it anymore or consumed with guilt.

I know what you say about 'liking' certain ages, I think I'll like it when both the kids are older and doing interesting stuff at school etc, I do find DD's age (4) with all the make believe games (yawm) very hard and tedious whereas DS is not yet talking, just babbling and is very cute and babyish still and perhaps that's why I 'like' him better at the moment, maybe it will all change when he starts talking especially if it's non-stop like DD.

I feel so much more positive after this post it's ubelievable!

Glad for you