Am a failure

[AlwaysAuntie]

I'm not sure where to begin. I've always felt like I've never been "good enough", most of the time I gloss over it and get on with life. However, I'm a bit poorly with laryngitis at the moment and have totally lost my voice, so my inner voice is talking loud and clear.

The loudest voice is lamenting the fact that I'm in my 40s, have no children, no partner, no job and although I have a loving family, when I'm gone that will be the end of my own branch of the family. It's all coming to a head because it's looking like I'm in early stages of the menopause (my mum was in her 40s when hers started).

I feel like the one thing I was born to do has slipped by. That I've failed.

I do have parental responsibility for a nephew, have had him since he was born (he's 5), and to all intents and purposes he has been my baby. However his parents are involved in his life, but there are circumstances that mean living with them isn't an option, and that means he'll never be truly mine. Not that I would ever deny him any opportunity to spend time with his parents.

I don't want to burden my family or friends with my inner turmoil, so instead am getting it out with a bunch of strangers online

I get it, I'm sad inside because I have no children & always wanted my own family, no neices or nephews & I'm unable to adopt or foster. I need to accept that I probably wont have a baby now.
Of course if I get a partner there's a high possibility of ending up with stepchildren but that doesn't always go well.

I think somehow we childless women have to learn to live while grieving for what we haven't got & it's very hard.
I don't know what else to say except that you're definitely not alone.

@Tehmina2 thank you for replying. It is hard, I try to be grateful for having my nephew with me, but sometimes it just hits me.

Women aren't born just to have children. There are many other things women do that are just as important. There are women who have children but still feel the way you do.
You care for your nephew, that's wonderful! To him, that's very important. He needs your love so don't ever think you have no purpose.
Your self esteem is low. I found counselling very helpful. I learned that what we think and the words we choose in our internal dialogue are extremely important.
You can change your thoughts from negative to positive. At first, you won't believe your positive words, but repetition starts to work and slowly you become more positive.
There are many self help books, so try to read some. Focus on loving yourself. There's no rule about how we should be, we are all different but we all have a value.

Ok, so as you very eloquently wrote it, 'your inner voice is talking loud and clear'. So listen to it. What does it need or want? Do you need to voice this to someone beyond the people who will read this forum? Do you need therapy? Do you need to re-establish what it means to be a woman in her 40s without children? There are no firm rules for how we 'should be' beyond those we impose on ourselves.