Depression swallowing my very being. I just want to talk.

[BunsOfAnarchy]

How do i even begin?
I was diagnosed with depression a couple months back. At 32, mum to an 18mo DD, and now filing for divorce from my DH, i have days where i actually feel like i am slowly drowning to death.
STBXH and i are on good terms for the sake of DD. But i cant talk to him. I never have ever been able to open up fully about my mental health as his attitude has always been incredibly dismissive of it. Funnily enough ive been showing signs of depressive episodes in the whole duration of our 12 year relationship, and dating back to when i was a teen. Ive just never realised till now.
Also, im the one filing for divorce, last thing i need is for him to think i need him emotionally. When i dont.
I dont want to talk to my mum as she is wonderful however, completely insufferable. She too suffers from depression, and my decision to divorce has left her angry and in denial and i cannot possibly talk to her.
I cant even open up to my best friend.

So ill just talk to whoever is out here listening.
I am so unhappy. So deeply fucking unhappy at times. I used to self harm a decade ago, something i got the urge to do today but sat on my hands till it passed.
I cried profusely in my car on my way home from work. 45 minutes of non stop crying. After a good cry i feel better. Usually just 4 mins will do.
But not today.
I feel as though i am being dragged down into a muddy swamp, slowly losing my ability to breathe. The pain i feel inside is just so incredibly torturous. I want it to end. The pain that is. Nothing else.
I cant eat. I woke every 40 minutes to an hour all night last night. This morning i was up before my 5am alarm. Waiting to feel better. But the pain just gripped harder.

I know itll take a day or so for me to feel the complete opposite. But on those days i cant even remember how bad this feeling is. I remember why i used to self harm. The more the painful the physical pain was, the less this emotional one felt. It helped me cope.

I dont know the aim of this thread. But if anyone wishes to reply, please do. I know im not alone. Sometimes a safe space to vent is all thats needed to start a healing process. And to be able to get down in writing how the darker moments felt, at a time when you forget the enormity of just how painful it was.

hello, sounds tough and I can empathise. Do you think it might be a late onset PND or similar? I had PND that (I believe) lasted three years (on top of a difficult split when my child was 5 months). It was horrendous

Can you see your GP? Ask for some urgent help? as you've a little one they can get you seen sooner if you make it clear how unhappy you are.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this, Clinical depression is hard enough without a divorce/small child in the mix, and they are probably all feeding into one another.

Can you access counselling or see your GP?

When I was at my most unwell I found the tiniest things a comfort - a cup of tea, lighting a candle in the morning, comfortable clothes.

No matter how dark it gets, you will get through this.

Hello, I am sorry to hear how tough things are right now. It sounds very tiring for you, especially with a young child.
I was really struck by the strength you are showing. Sitting on your hands and knowing that the urge to self harm will pass and allowing yourself to cry as sometimes that makes it better.
What else do you find helps? It might be helpful to write some of them down (maybe not right now!) so you can remember them when you forget.

Is it raining where you are? It’s tippjng down here. Personally I love the rain, but I know it doesn’t help everyone. How do you find it?

Just here to listen in solidarity and to say - You are not alone. You are stronger than this. The rain will stop, the clouds will part and you will feel the warmth of the sun on your face once more. Sending love

I felt like this 2 years ago. Antidepressants: the right ones at the right dose (which I am still on), 6 weeks off work & learning to be kind to myself really helped. I'd just had DD2 & doing little things like new PJs, learning to sleep properly (no gadgets at bedtime etc) and taking time for me. Whether it was blow drying my hair or forcing myself to do something nice with DD1 made it better. Slowly those little beams of sunshine became a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I'm in no rush to come off the antidepressants. They're working. I'm happy (with normal life crises in between!) work is fulfilling again & I've come to realise I will be ok! Better than ok ❤️

I fell asleep for an hour or so. Ive been lying awake for about an hour.
The pain i am feeling inside right now is tenfold. Its absolutely fucking unbearable. The temptation to self harm is so high. I need to feel the physical pain to forget how brutally painful i feel inside.
I just feel so horribly helpless. So hopeless. My daughter deserves so much better than the person i am right now. But i cant seem to snap out of it.
All i can think of is how i wish i was just loved and cared about. Wish i was someones number 1. Wish i had someone to hold me through this.
Wish i could stop feeling like this and just be the best mum for my daughter.
Im losing my grip on myself.
I just want to wake up and feel happy.
God this is tearing me apart inside. Why does it feel so bad?