Triggering post - friend took his life - please help

[CakeInMyFace]

I'm a wreck.

Our mate, one of DH's best friends since age 7 killed himself out of the blue on Monday. I've known him 15 yrs and while we lived a few hours apart and our families grew close over the years. We've all kind of grown up together, had kids, (who have known each other since they were born) have so many memories.

He was never diagnosed as having mental health problems although we all knew he struggled at times - he would never admit to much. Without going onto too much detail he became very stressed recently and blamed himself for his DD's recently diagnosed childhood condition- it wasnt a life threatening one but she did need surgery. He became worried he would be arrested and put in jail or die in jail.

5 days ago he took his life in such a violent way and after more conversations it appears he wasnt himself and may have been having a psychotic episode.

I am not coping well at all - I have images of his death haunting me (even though I didnt see it), thoughts of how he would have been in so much emotional pain without anyone knowing how bad it was and the loss. He was a big part of our lives and he is gone and I can think of nothing else.

I had no idea where to post this, so much support is around for me but I feel like my mind is going crazy with all this and I dont know what to do with the thoughts I'm having.

That sounds like a tragic loss in very traumatic circumstances.

It is completely understandable that you are struggling to cope with this, he was someone close to you and he made a decision that is going to painfully impact all of you in many ways. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was in an incredible amount of pain.
I can understand that your thoughts may seem terrifying, but it sounds like you are trying to process it all and that is going to take time. Right now you are in shock and your mind is racing trying to take it in. I'm pleased to read you have support around you but I wonder if you have any thoughts about what you might need to do for yourself to try and integrate what you are going through. Did it help to write it down here? Perhaps writing all your thoughts down in a diary or just allowing yourself as much time to grieve and cry as you need might be helpful.

I'm so sorry for your loss x We lost a very dear friend to suicide, and I still cry thinking about her and the way she died; it's been 5 years. Take time, talk to your husband and grieve. I found that reminding myself that she died because she was ill, helped me a lot...it's a horrible thing to happen, take care xxx

Thank you to you both for your kind replies. We have talked alot today and saw his family which helps all of us I think. I dont know how will get through it I guess it will just take a while. Writing does help and talking does too, my brain just feels very overloaded. X

It does get a little less painful with time. We talk about her all the time, and she's about to have a new grandchild born, who she would have adored. We can laugh now at memories of her, and remember what a brilliant person she was. Lots of love x

Good morning op. I hope you feel a tiny bit better today. I lost a friend to very violent suicide at 18 and another one at university. It's really hard. Especially the second friend was a really close friend and I dreamt about him for years. Real vivid dreams about meeting him in the street and telling him "I thought you were dead but you are not you are alive!" I relived the last months in my head and thought what could I have done better to stop his death. Seeing the newspaper with the news of the accident and his death was awful. This is not to put the attention in me. It was s long time ago now and I have processed it. It's to say that I understand what you are going through. I think one of the aggravating circumstances for me was that because I was young and working at the other side of Europe I could not afford the travel to his funeral. So I never said goodbye properly. I still deeply regret that. I should have gone. Do say goodbye properly, even speak at the funeral if you get the chance. It will help you to process and say goodbye. It will still hurt very much but it will help. Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts.

It’s the hardest loss to come to terms with. Unfortunately you never see it coming, keep in touch with the family and get the help you need to deal with your feelings. So sorry for the loss of your friend. I have been through a similar situation and never a day passes when I don’t think about the person.