Gutted by dp announcement re his depression

[Tinkerbellx]

Dp and I have been together almost 3 years . Mid forties . I'm confident we're good we were planning on moving in together imminently .
He suffers with depression and I support him I think as best as I can .
Went to gp with him and he talks to me and we found a good therapist and he attends weekly .
After two years he's slowly coming off AD .
Because of his depression I assumed his delay in putting house up for sale was due to his usual " I'll do it tomorrow ! " as he's not motivated much really after work .
Anyway last night when I questioned him directly he said he wasn't ready to move in because he felt his depression and moods would be no good for us .

I'm heartbroken because he lives an hour away and I'm exhausted from all the commuting and I miss him !

I'm not sure I can wait too much longer because his depression isn't going just go and despite my assurance that I'm there for him he's now ( in an attempt at being thoughtful and kind ) saying he's not able to mine in .
I have to respect that I know but I'm so very gutted .
I was so excited but what more can I do .
Do I wait another 3 years in the hope he might feel better / ready ?
Sorry I'm just so sad for myself today and this is about him not me I know that x

I can’t help wonder why he’s coming off AD while facing such a huge life change? I’d have thought doing both simultaneously would be a bad idea. I don’t have depression but my long term friend (20yr+) who does has struggled every time she’s tried to reduce or come off ads.

I can really sympathize with you OP, but I think your dp is making the right decision. Since he lives an hour away, moving in with you is not only a big life change while he is trying to get off AD but it would take him away from his entire MH support network.

He’d have to find a new doctor, new therapist and so on. I don’t know much about the U.K. but it is in the news pretty frequently about people moving or teens turning 18 and going from having support & weekly appointments to nothing but being on a two year wait list. Would that be the case with your dp? That moving would mean not just losing the MH doctors and therapist but also potentially being long term with no professional support at all?

Would it be possible for you to move in with him?

Hi thanks for your replies .
No we both have houses to sell so the plan was to rent for a couple of years before committing to a purchase ( plus ease of schools ect ) .
Where we're looking at is in the middle, a bit more his way ( 20 mins ) so his therapist would still be accessible as she's private and nearer me .
His GP is no support anyway . Sees a different one every time and only ever been when I encouraged him too .
His main support is his therapist and a very good friend at work .
He's genuinely worried about being low around me and making me feel bad .
I just want to support him the best way I can .

How old are your children? Or his? I had a depressed parent as a child (I mean visibly and untreated) and it was really awful. I'm not sure I would choose that, starting from scratch. Might it not be better to keep your separate houses, you can both do your own thing and have fun together some of the time? Meanwhile he can sort himself out. You cannot 'fix' him in the way you think you can.

Why is he coming off the ADs, that's just silly.

He is making a very sensible choice OP and you are being a bit selfish if you were honest about it. ATM you're shielded from the worst, the relentless of depression and he has space to decompress when he needs it. Why don't you move closer to him and just have seperate houses?

Listen to your partner. If you can't live with that then you have choices to make.

Why on earth is he trying to come off anti-depressants while he's feeling like this? The guidance is not to stop them until you've had at least 6 months of feeling completely back to normal while taking them. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere close to baseline.

Some people need to take them their whole lives. They're not addictive or dangerous (despite what the daily mail published recently 😡) and there's no reason people shouldn't do this if that's what they need.

I wonder that he’s genuinely scared of so many changes at once and want to do them slowly. It’s not a bad idea actually.

Thanks again .
He was feeling good for about 6 months prior and coming off really really slowly .
Down to 5 mg every other day and enjoying some exercise but I think he's a bit nervous too tbh .
He wants to see how he is off them I guess .

Why is he coming off antidepressants?! That's a terrible idea if he's already feeling low. ADs are a miracle and saved my life. My life was utterly miserable before them.

He wants to see how he is off them I guess

Well now he's seen that, is he considering going back on them? The guidelines are that if you start to deteriorate while coming off ADs then you go back to the previous step's dose, not just plough on regardless.

OP you could rent out your home and move closer to him & rent there. Then see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out, you won’t have lost your spot on the property ladder and can move back to your house.

If you are closer and he spends time there, he will get more comfortable about moving into the place you rent & splitting bills etc. This will make it less of a major change. Then you can both put both your houses up for sale.

I am relieved he is keeping his therapist. Continuity of care is vital to recovery of anyone with a mental illness.

Thanks everyone .
Quite a few comments re why is he coming off his AD's .
He is under the care of his surgery for that and I'd rather support his choice led by a health professional than tell him what to do based on my or others experience tbh . I go with him when he goes and say nothing just hand hold and he was very clear he wanted to wean off .

He isn't off them yes just reducing very slowly and has done okay apart from last few days alongside other pressures at work which should pass after a certain date next month.
He's had CBT, private therapy and AD for 2 years . I can see why he's chosen now to wean off and am supporting him as best I can without trying to fix him . He's felt good for 6 months and this has been a few days.
Someone has suggested he should step back up to previous dose if feeling low . That does sound sensible . Maybe he should take it even more slowly . That's his call though but sounds like something worth mentioning to him thank you .
We do communicate and he was obviously worried about the effect of his mood last night on me .
. We are both in a position fortunately to have no money worries re moving in so all along we were going to rent a big house in the country and enjoy the space while living together for the first time .
He has no children and has a beautiful relationship with my dd aged 9 .
Anyway we're going out for dinner later and have all weekend together which will be nice .
Thanks everyone really I was just tired this morning x

He's felt good for 6 months so has found his maintenance dose. Now he wants to go back to the beginning and start again?

Utterly baffling. Like when an ex friend said she was coming off her epilepsy meds because she hadn't had a fit in ages.

She learned the hard way as well, good luck though. I hope he does well.

Why does he need to stay on the medication for ever ?
He's never had depression in his life .
Was involved in a tragedy and developed reactive depression .
He followed a prescribed plan .

I respect and and support the use of antidepressants long term if that is what works for an individual .
I actively encourage it in fact they can be invaluable .
I also respect those who need them for a short period of their life and choose to withdraw following effective intervention to address the cause .
I would prefer to support his choice and won't juddge him either way .
He's doing his best and factoring my feelings in which is admirable thinking about it .