Got second letter from Social services this morning...

[juicychops]

feel like im gunna be sick my stomach is turning so much.
i have done nothing wrong NOTHING at all.
I know its my next door neighbours complaining about me.

last year they 'invited' me around their house then started telling me how wrong it is to raise your voice or shout at children and they dont agree with it.

few months ago i got a letter from social services saying they have had a complaint regarding my son's safety and now i have got another one. and this time they want to come round my house.

i feel utterly embarrassed and humiliated and the worst parent in the world i dont know what to do. im not going to deny shouting at my ds cos i do, but i dont go stupid and crazy, i do it constructively its the way i tell him off.
feel so crap right now feel like a total failure and just want to move house now. i dont know why they are doin this to me

Social services do realise that a lot of complaints are malicious. But they have to investigate them anyway.

You are not guilty, just because you have been reported. Try to remember that.

Please don't confront your neighbours! As others have said, it may give them the opportunity to say that you are aggressive.

Actually, I'm more worried about you confronting your neighbours than about the SS visit. If SS talk to you, they will realise things are fine (and a bit less shouting can be good for all involved). If you confront the neighbours and they tell SS about it, you may have more difficulty to convince them that things are fine.

I agree - please don't confront your neighbour, especially if you think you might lose your temper. ( completely understandable but not constructive)

I would focus your energies on your son - he's the one who needs your attention, not this vile woman.

Concentrate on showing social services what a great Mum you are and what a fab boy your son is.

Remember, they are only doing their job. For them not to follow up would be irresponsible, but they're not out to get you.

Good Luck with it all - it sounds a horrible situation but I'm sure you have the strength to rise above it all, for your son's sake.

Good luck juicychops, I thinks its abmormal to never shout at your kids

my stomach is turning for you and i just think "what if that were me".

EVERY body that i speak to who have kids say the same thing....."God knows what my neighbours think, im like a banshee some days"

or if i say it they 100% agree with this statement.

there before the grace of god and all that!

What you MUST keep in your mind is that We ALL do this, like you we dont do it in an abusive way, we shout because kids are bloody frustrating and test you to the limit.

You are doing nothing wrong.

use this as an opportunity to invite people into your home to show how proud you are of the wonderful little chap that you are bringing up, to show what a wonderful relationship you have with him, and how you should be praised for the great job you are doing.
embrace this and use it as an opportunity and not as allowing some one to push you into a black pit of guilt, self doubt and shite.

you my darling, are far far far too good for that, you are a good mum.
just look at your boy, just look at him, he is wonderful, you made that...be proud.

Juicychops, I would avoid any conversation with that neighbour of yours and would try to stay positive about the SS visit. And your lo's nan can't be a good one if she hasn't seen her grand child for a year...

What a horrible feeling. I often think when I'm shouting at my DS what must the neighbour's think. I hope they understand! I think the thing is quiet play and fun stuff isn't often as noisy as shouting IYSWIM. So for your neighbours to make judgements just based on shouting is almost always going to be unbalanced. If you are shouting in a constuctive manner and not because of a loss of temper the content of what you are shouting shouldn't cause offence either. I hope you get it all sorted out quickly.

I really would not confront the neighbours. I think you should leave it and wait for ss to do their visist. Of course make sure you ahve a friend with you

and keep calm.

you have nothing to hide

thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. my neighbour just knocked and i asked her. she came into my garden and went into one how im rude and arrogant and must of had a bad upbringing!

she blamed me for her marrage breaking up. apparently her husband is moving out in 2 weeks.

she said the other day when i knocked and asked if her husband was there as i had locked myself out, she said i was really rude. all i said was 'hi, is xxx there please as ive locked myself out'.

she also denied making the calls. But she was like a crazy woman going on about how she wants nothing to do with me, how she is so so angry with me etc. She is Japanese and has an accent so i couldn't understand a lot of what she was saying, but she kept putting her hand in my face saying she has no interest in anything i have to say.

i am in shock now. I haven't hardly spoken to this woman since last year when she had her 'chat' with me other than to ask her about the last letter.

just to add, i am never a rude person. i never speak with an attitude and i wouldn't even to her especially if im asking for a favour from her husband! im not that kind of person. im definately not a confrontational person.

i cant believe she has blamed me for her marriage breaking up. i dont even understand her reason!

Hmm, has she got her wires crossed somewhere? Perhaps her DH is having an affair and she suspects you? She sounds totally batty to me

her reasons were something to do with him shouting at her because they can hear me shouting at my ds and it makes him shout at her. or something like that. it was more in depth but i couldn't understand

write down what she has said so that you can tell ss about it.

yeah good idea

Hiya

I used to work alongside SS on some cases (I worked for homestart)

SS got laods of malicious reports, often MIL's (m ine clearly hasn't thought of it yet....) or ex partners. They KNOW that a lot of their work is simply routine, however its important that it is- so may cases sadly get missed. trust me, ss don't like it any mroe than you- they ahev the workload from hell to begin with! And thats just from famillies who need them.

When they come they'll just have a chat, look at how your son relates to you and the general state of your house. Just to check if a bit of support could help. If your SS is anything like ours, they'll be desperately short on support, and really not want to have to offer much anyway

Please don't worry- its routine X

Message withdrawn

she sounds like she has a few problems!maybe her husband fancies you or something?

im sure ss will see it for what it is,and may even want to speak to her.

maybe she hasnt needed to shout at her child yet as she is only young and hasnt quite hit the terrible 2's.some people are very judgmental of single parents i have found.i had some next door neighbours 3 years ago who were very friendly to me untill i chucked xh out,then they told their children not to play with mine,put complaints in to the council about my garden,put rubbish through my letter box etc.i moved in the end,but i found out a while later that the man was hitting her,and they had split up,so who knows,maybe she was jealous of me as i'd got rid of my abusive h.

oh and we had the coppers round a couple of weeks ago as dp shouted at dd1(8.9)to go to her room as she had been very rude and answering back(puberty is starting),and she stormed up the stairs screaming 'its not fair' etc.somebody from the shop next door rang the police as they thought a woman was being attacked.they just asked me to go into another room and asked if i was ok,i explained what happened and they left.

she also kept saying i have never heard her shout at her dd because she never has. she said she was shouted at and abused when she was young so she doesn't do it. and doesn't think i should either.

She definately must have different views on what being rude means. i suppose a lot of it could just be culture clash.

When my ds is in his bedroom he kicks the heater and the door repeatedly during tantrums and im sure thats part of the problems too as it is very noisy.

i have a darts board in the kitchen and she complains if i play it too late as its noisy for them. and thats just a little dart!

Their dd cries for ages through the night most nights but i wouldn't dream of complaining. its what kids do

Does sound like a culture clash, the japanese society generally is very communitarian- focused on how what they do affescts each toehr, p[oliteness, respect, etc- whereas the European culture generally is far mroe individualistic. sadly this can reuslt in this sort of clash- A japanese woman might expect a complaint over the noise of a dart to result in immediate peace, whereas a European might think 'but its only small'...

both cultures ahve their benefits, its just the way things are

Juicy, hi, just caught up with this thread, sorry I've not got anything constructive to add but I feel so sorry for you, I was a single parent to a toddler and know how tough it can be and how, despite feeling confident in yourself, its easy to feel judged by others. I would just want to crawl away if this had happened to me. Maybe it would be a good idea to move if her behaviour is getting increasingly unreasonable.

I'm sure SS will see and hear your side of the story. Write it all down now, with dates and times, while its still fresh in your mind...