Is it some sort of PTSD?

[Bloomburger]

God I'm hiding upstairs so the kids don't see me cry.

I don't know why I feel like I do.

I have a lovely life, 3 amazing kids, a wonderful husband, no money worries, issues with health or anything that should cause me to want to curl up in a ball all the time and cry.

I did have a dreadfully abusive neglected childhood and someone who knew me when I was small got in touch recently (it was lovely unexpected surprise and she has no idea how truest awful my life got) and I don't know whether it's that, all the feelings of sadness and confusion and being unloved and not good enough have come rushing back, no one saved us even though everyone could see it happening.

I just don't know what to do? Feel like a complete dick when there are people with truly awful things in their life that they are having to deal with now and I'm letting memories ruin mine.

What do I do now? DH is due home any minute, the kids are eating downstairs, we've someone coming to the house to do something for DH and I for the next 2 hours but I don't think I can face it. No amount of make up is going to cover up these red swollen eyes.

Hi OP
IT seems this contact from the past has brought a lot of feelings to the surface, and/ or triggered feelings of trauma from your childhood.
It doesn't matter that it's from the past, if it's not processed the trauma can stay with you and resurface.
Can you afford any private therapy ?

Hi, yes I can afford therapy, just don't know where to start. I don't think I remember lots of the truly awful stuff, a few flash backs, beatings, my father threatening to cut of my hand with a kitchen knife whilst my step mother held my wrist down on the table (I'd stolen 20p), being able to chose between bed with no dinner or a few lashes with his belt.

I think I'm really cross and sad that no one cared enough to save me.

I don't know how telling a therapist would make that question go away. I've spent so many years holding it together.

Oh my god, I'm so so sorry! It sounds like you had the most horrible childhood. I'm so happy that things are good for you now, but don't in any way feel guilty about being upset that this has suddenly resurfaced. It was bound to happen sooner or later. In the immediacy, cancel whoever's calling over, tell them you're sick, tell your kids mummy is not feeling well. And as soon as you can talk to your husband. And then please get counselling. There is no amount of time that should ever be considered too far in the past to just forget it happened.

I do see someone but it's with my husband due to an issue he had, I've glossed over my past, had anorexia which has been replaced with anxiety about order and cleanliness and sort of told therapist that it's all ok, as long as I can keep up my routines I can keep the emotional turmoil and eating disorder away but now it's steam rollering through my life.

My husband was v kind, he's taken the youngest 2 out, the eldest is at university.

Sorry I know I m gabbling. I haven't slept.

Have a look into CPTSD. It's caused by a combination of ongoing abuse at a young age and your primary care givers at that age not acting appropriately to protect you. Emotional flashbacks were what really hit home to me.

Sorry your childhood was so shitty, it screws you up and that wasn't your fault then and it isn't your fault now

Person centred therapy works for me . I'm never going to be fixed but that is okay, my experiences have made me a different, but in many ways better, person

I'm so sorry you we're not protected and cared for as you should. It sounds like you had an emotional flashback triggered by contact from your old friend. When things are so scary the only thing we can do is disassociate and block it out. It is the only way to survive. It may be resurfacing now because you feel safe enough to face it. I would go to your gp and ask to be referred to a trauma specialist. I have bounced around the system trying to get support and my experience of general mental health support was rubbish. If you can afford it, maybe see if you can get a private assessment done. I've just recently (and finally) been given a diagnosis of complex ptsd; which is when you are exposed to prolonged trauma throughout childhood. It looks slightly different to ptsd and treatment might be slightly different. A book I really recommend to help you to make sense of this is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk. It is amazing at both explaining the impact trauma has on the developing brain (which makes it feel less scary) but it also gives ideas on what you can do to help. There is also a treatment called EMDR which is supposed to be amazing tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/care-and-treatment/treatments/eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing-emdr/