Feeling like I'll never be happy

[EasyHardGoing]

Probably outing to anyone that knows me but I'm 25 and have had 9 miscarriages in the past couple of years.

I feel like my life is going no where. I can't possibly see how I can be happy. I'm on anti depressants and whilst they have helped, I just feel like I'm floating through life.

It sound so incredibly morbid but I do feel like I wouldn't really care if I died tomorrow. I don't want to hurt myself or anything like that but if someone were to say to me 'it will happen tomorrow' I just wouldn't care. And I do feel like there wouldn't really be anyone else who'd care all that much either.

I'm angry with myself because I have a good life, a good husband, a nice home, lovely step children. I try to put on a brave face for them and I'm sure they'd probably tell you I was doing okay.

I feel like I am going to feel this way forever. I feel like I won't have anything if I never manage to have a child. It's become an almost secret obsession.

I just don't see a way out of these feelings and thoughts. I feel trapped like I can't enjoy anything else. Even fun things, holidays, hobbies, weekends away etc... I just don't care. I want so desperately the one thing I can't have and so everything else just seems inadequate.

I don't know what to do.

You need someone to talk to about your feelings.
You could see your doctor. It sounds like you are depressed.
There are also support groups for women who have had miscarriages which could be helpful. They have members who will understand how you feel. Search one out online and see what help they can provide.
You shouldn't have to deal with this alone so do seek support.
You will feel better again, as unlikely as that seems to you, but you must reach out for the help you need. Posting on here means you do want some help.

I would echo what Limensoda says - you sound depressed, and no wonder, 9 miscarriages is a lot to endure.

I just don't see a way out of these feelings and thoughts

Have you had an opportunity talk through them properly? I think the only way to get over bad feeling is by going through them, with a counsellor if you can. The Samaritans are also trained to help, you don't have to be suicidal to call them. They're there to listen.